Weekly 5

Another week, another weekly five.

I have had the hardest time studying lately. I think it is due to the material right now. It is not the most exciting and I made the mistake of buying a book on training that is much more interesting to me at the moment. Oops. I am still learning about training… but I don’t know that it will help me pass my test.

Studying as an adult who has been out of school for a few years is hard. I have gotten way out of the swing of things and I have a really hard time focusing. I might take a study break this week.

Here is this weeks weekly five.

1. Save $50
2. Complete my CPR online training. My CPR class is this Saturday. ( I need to be certified before I can register for my personal trainers test ).
3. Set my Youtube Upload schedule. I tried out a Monday, Wednesday, Friday upload schedule last week. It seemed to work so I am going to stick with that for now.
4. Continue recording workouts to track progress.
5. Get all my paperwork in to my case worker for reimbursement on electrolysis for phalloplasty.

 

 

This is 30

Today is my 30th birthday. I never imagined I would be 30 years old. Mostly just because time seemed to pass by so slow when I was kid. Once you hit 21 time just seems to be on fast forward.

The end of 29 has been rough and is spilling over into 30 but I am hoping things improve. This is a pretty huge year for me. I say goodbye to my 20’s and hello to my penis.

I’ve been having a really tough time with a shift in friendships. I miss being able to always have friends to hang out with on the fly. They all have significant others or kids now and that just isn’t possible. It has left me feeling pushed aside or felt like I did something wrong. I guess it is time I make new friends but that has never been an easy task for me. I am shy and socially awkward.

I don’t know what I would do without the trans community. I am so thankful for the support I have recieved and have a safe place to come to when I need.

Cheers to year 30.

 

Weekly 5

This was definitely a rough week for me. The holidays made work crazy and my body and mind were burnt out by the time I got home. I didn’t exactly accomplish as much of last weeks goals as I would have hoped.

The new year follows this week. Which… means New Years resolutions are in full swing. I don’t see anything wrong with new years resolutions. If a new year is the kick in the booty you need to step into action, then so be it. However, I recommend the weekly 5 to get you to those new years resolutions.

Weekly 5

1. Save $20
2.  Study and complete lessons 3 and 4 ( I tried to study but couldn’t focus enough to get through both lessons ).
3. Record and share workouts. ( I Have been sharing them on twitter )
4. Continue drinking 2 liters of water per day. ( I have blood tests again in february ).
5. Get more sleep, be in bed no later than 8pm.

What is your weekly 5?

Weekly 5

Last week I made a post called 5%. This post was based off a suggestion from my therapist that I think of ways to improve my life just 5% at a time in order to not feel stuck or overwhlemed. So on that note, here is my weekly 5.

1. Save another $50
2. Study for personal training test
3. Lunges and abs everyday
4. Commit to a YouTube upload schedule (Tuesdays and Fridays?)
5. Rest

5%

A few weeks ago I was discussing with my therapist how I felt overwhelmed and stuck in my current situation. Stuck in my job, stuck in my parents house.. stuck being poor.. at least until phalloplasty.

She asked me what I wanted or how I could improve my life. I was immediately overwhwelmed. It was kind of like looking at a large algebra problem. My mind just shut down.

So instead of looking at ALL the things I needed to do to get where I wanted my life, she asked me; how can you make your life just 5% better. Working towards a goal 5% at a time. I thought that was actually a pretty cool concept and it helped me not to feel too overwhelmed.

So on that note: my big goals are mainly to have surgery, move out of this house, get a new job. So how can I get 5% closer to these goals? How can I make my life 5% better this week.

11/20-11/27

1. Save money – $50 This week
2. Study for my personal trainers certificate- Get through chapter 5
3. Legs are lagging still– Squat everyday (even if it is just air squats )
4. Make it a point to rest. ( watch something on netflix, go to a movie.. go for a walk )
5. Do something out of my comfort zone.

That is it for this week. 5 things to improve 5% It might sound weird that I need to make it a point to rest but it is true. Whenever I do try to rest I get intense anxiety about all the other things I could be doing instead.

Lets see how this week goes.

 

The Ache

 

Weekends are bittersweet. It is nice not to be working… but being home makes it hard to ignore the deep ache and heavy feeling of shame I feel when I am around my parents.

It really brings my mood down and I can’t find anything to distract me from the ache. I keep wondering… maybe if I talk about it, maybe if I write about it… maybe if I can distract myself, that it will go away…but it won’t.

Every ounce of my body and mind aches. It is so hard to describe and I want so badly for someone to understand or help me get rid of this feeling but I know that isn’t possible. Maybe if I could move out and remove myself from my parents house but I am truly stuck here and knowing that makes me sad, angry, frustrated… and hopeless.

I try to think of ways that I can make more money to move out but I chose the wrong career if I ever wanted to make enough money to live comfortably. I don’t want to be or feel all the negativity I am feeling right now but it is so overwhelming. Maybe writing about it will help flush some of it out.

I get really sad when I think about how hard I work… and how still, my parents refuse to see that, they only see my faults, or just assume the worst about me. I’ve talked and written about this so many times before but not being able to remove myself from the situation makes it SO hard to get past and move on. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve found myself thinking about suicide more than ever. I just feel so much pain while I am in this house I want it to stop. I finally love myself, I love my life, I am incredibly proud of everything I have gotten through but at the same time I feel invnisible to the people who I want to see me the most.

I don’t plan on taking my life, or escaping by means of drugs but my mind certainly likes to think about anything that would take away the pain. I know this will pass, I know that just like everything else that I will get through this, but in this moment it is really fucking hard.

It’s Over

Its been a little over a week since my bodbuilding competition. I can’t even really describe what an amazing experience it all was. It was really HARD. Lots of work, anxiety inducing, but at the same time extremely exciting and healing.

I am happy to say that I got second place. I’d be a liar if I said I was completely happy with it… I would have loved to have gotten first place but I lost to a guy that is the only transman to ever win gold at the gay games and who competes regularly in bodybuilding shows. So I guess if I had to take second to someone… I am glad it was him. 🙂

The biggest thing going through my mind is that I can’t believe I did it. I put in a ton of hard work and I stepped on that stage nearly naked.. even though I was scared shitless. I guess it was a learning experience for me.. just to know that I am capable of more than I thought.. even if it is something that terrifies me.

They say you grow the most when you are outside your comfort zone. Boy isn’t that the truth. I am going to try and put myself outside my comfort zone more often and see what happens. Speaking of which, tomorrow I am speaking with a queer college group. I don’t really know what I am going to say.. but they want me to talk about my transition and experience of the bodybuilding competition. I am not super excited about it as it is on a work night but I am trying to be brave and try new things. If I can step on a stage half naked.. I can do this too!

Something that has really been on my mind lately is I am wanting to work towards my next bodybuilding competition but I have surgery for phalloplasty in June. I feel like any hard work that I put into working out now will all be lost during recovery. It is frustrating and sad and discouraging. I am also bummed that this year they are starting a transgender bodybuilding league and the next competition will be in August in Seattle. I want to go… but I won’t be recovered enough. It super bums me out. Someone asked me if I could delay surgery.. but, that would mean having to stay in my job for that much longer in order to keep my insurance. I might go crazy.

If I have surgery in June.. at least it will give me a whole year to prepare for the next FTM competition. It is going to be a tough recovery, a tough surgery, and I get sad thinking about the recovery process. The only way I can get through it is if I think long term and how I won’t have to pack anymore in a competition, or I can use a urinal and make my everyday life much easier and less dysphoric. It is going to be another hurdle to get over, but I have done it before.. I can do it again. I know I can do it. With some patience and a lot of hard work. Praying I don’t have any major complications.

 

Goals and Anxiety

Wednesday I am leaving for the FTM fitness conference in Atlanta Georgia. Originally I was going to go with my significant other… but we broke up. I was the one that called it off. Without going into too much detail, we just didn’t mesh well. We both had anxiety which I feel like prevented us from personal growth. I know there are times where normally I would push myself through anxious situations but with them I would just avoid it. I am also in a time in my life where I feel like I have so many things I need to do that I have missed out on, and goals that I need to reach that I have no time to compromise or want or need to answer to anyone.

I have reached a time in my life where I want to do what I want… when I want and not have to discuss it with anyone. Basically, I am at a selfish point in my life but I think that after spending so much time answering to so many people.. being married, or pretending to be someone I am not, that I am okay being selfish and taking this time for myself. Life is short and I just want to keep continue living and feeling free.

This week will be a true test of anxiety for me. I am traveling alone, and staying by myself in a hotel at a conference with a lot of people. There are going to be people that I know there.. which is both comforting and axiety provoking. I fear that I will come across different in person because I am shy at first. This usually happens but it has been awhile since I have tested my social anxiety.

Besides the anxiety of traveling alone, I am also competing in the bodybuilding competition. I will be stepping on stage in VERY little clothing. I have been working my ass of training and getting ready for the last 12 weeks. Although I am not completley happy with my physique, I have accepted what it is and am feeling that competing and stepping on stage is a huge accomplishment when it comes to social anxiety.

I am trying to focus less on the part of the competiton that is about physique and focus more on it being a step in overcoming social anxiety and having the chance to celebrate all that I have been training so hard for. Competition day is the day you celebrate! It is the day that I have been working my ass off for and it is only 5 days away.

Besides the competition I have also begun working towards my personal training certificate. I am hoping to start online training. I was a little hesitant thinking of getting my certificate since I have gone to school for it in the past, but I was also hesitant because I am having phalloplasty in 8 months and was worried I wouldn’t be able to coach while I was laid up… however, maybe it will be good timing and will help me make my transition from cook to coach.

 

I Hate Decisions

I had my consult with Dr. Chen yesterday for lower surgery… and unfortunately it didn’t make anything clearer or easier for me to decide. He examined my downstairs and said that I had a great build for Meta and would do well with that surgery. He was pretty sure I would be able to stand to pee and use a urinal.

The downside is that penetration is not so great with Meta so if Penetrative sex is something that is a priority for me… Meta is not the surgery for me.

If it wasn’t for the huge arm scar I would have no doubts in my mind that phallo was the procedure for me. There is also a chance I would end up with a scar that healed well. Or that it would hardly be noticeable with a future tattoo.

I just don’t know that I will be happy with Meta in the long  run. In the short run Meta seems like a great option. Less complications, less recovery time, no scarring.. but the negatives are: Maybe not being able to use a urinal or stand to pee, no penetration…

Both of which are important to me.

Downside to Phallo: Longer recovery time, large forearm scar, higher chance of complications.

I am starting to really lean towards phallo. It is a huge risk. BUT it would be everything I would want. I kept my current phallo date which changed to June 13th 2017. I have a little more time to decide and also have another phone consultation with Dr. Chen in two weeks.

Off to work, more on the consultation to come!

Peace

It could be that I don’t have to work today… but I am feeling rather at peace this morning. Maybe that says something about just how much my job stresses me out, but I am also feeling more at peace about lower surgery today.

I am worrying less about which surgery to choose and thinking more about using a urinal and being able to take the fear of public restrooms out of my life. I am also worrying less about financial situations even though they are not improving anytime soon.

I think I am feeling more grateful than anything this morning. I have been pretty addicted to this APP called TimeHop and it shows you things you posted on social media all through the years. I have come so far and I am finding a lot of peace in that.

I have a lot of emotions running through me right now. I am feeling grateful for having top surgery, a little sad about some of the friends I have lost, and excited for things I have to look forward to.

I need some more change in my life and I am realizing that if I actually want change to happen I need to take action just as I have in the past.