The Surface

I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about my relationship with my mother. Things between us are not the greatest. Our relationship was mostly built off fear. My mom isn’t the nurturing type, but I do have to say that at least our relationship has been able to go past just being at surface level.

To a certain extent we get each other. We are both hardcore introverts that are misunderstood by my extroverted Father. We are not like him, but he can’t ever seem to accept that not everyone is like him… and if you are not like him then you are some sort of inferior species.

I was thinking the other day how a lot of my childhood memories involve my mom. Some good, some.. not so good at all, but despite all this I realized that I don’t have a lot of memories with my Dad because he wasn’t really there. He was working most of the time, but even when he was home he was checked out. He was in the garage working on his stained glass, or he was in the yard working on his garden, or his pastels or etc.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy sad and angry about my past with my mom, but I have never truly greived my relationship with my father. He wasn’t there, and he is still not there.

I live in the same house with my Dad still, and our relationship is even more distant than it was when I was a child. I am sure my transition hasn’t been easy for him to deal wtih but its hard sometimes. The only time he talks to me is when he tells me that he sold a painting. “That’s awesome” I will reply.

I feel such a huge tug on my heart to put out more effort into talking to him, to deepening our relationship but at the same time I want nothing more than to be miles and miles away from him. I feel hurt, anger, and fear of rejection. I don’t know that we will ever be close… or that I am strong enough to try to build any sort of relationship at this point.

When I came out to him as trans, the first thing he said to me was “You are going to put yourself in a lot of debt.” He was right, but that about sums up his whole personality. He cares more about money than hapiness or risk. He makes practical decisions, not emotional decisions. The only emotional decision he ever made was marrying my mom and the deepest conversations he ever had with me were how he wanted to leave her.

I never want to sacrifice my happiness for money. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I became a chef. I might not make a lot of money but I get to create, and I get the pleasure or nourishing people.

I can only hope one day that my Dad looks at me the same way he looks at my brother. Of course I want him to be proud of me but at the same time I don’t know how realistic that is and might be better off greiving our relationship rather than continually be let down by some sort unrealistic expectations.

My heart is heavy today.

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The Surface

Weekly 5

I have had a lot anxiety this week. I kind of went from a getting shit done mode to coping mode.. but nonetheless I will carry on. I am 70 days away from phalloplasty. I have gotten a little caught up in the possibility of having complications and losing my job and not being able to complete my stage two surgery. Losing my job would mean losing my insurance and leaving me with a forever flaccid penis. Karma? Maybe.

This weeks weekly 5

  1. Wristbands ive got some more to send out.
  2. vlog I did not do this last week.
  3. Squat 3x
  4. Up my cardio to at least 30 mins a day.
  5. Write down the positive things I did each day that I am even remotely proud of.

 

Weekly 5

83 Days

I am not sure if I am going to write a blog post a day leading up to surgery but that seems to be the case so far.

I am 83 days away from surgery… which is a little under twelve weeks away.

Twelve weeks is the length of an average contest prep for a bodybuilding compeition. Since I don’t get to prep for a competition this year, I am going to use these next 12 weeks to prep for surgery. I figured it will help keep me busy and perhaps even pass time faster.

I will be documenting these next 12 weeks on my YouTube channel, leading up to surgery. The overall goal is to be my healthiest self leading up to the day of surgery, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I will be focusing on overall fitness and even more so on mental health. I am trying to be easy on myself when I feel anxious about surgery. This is a big surgery. I am definitely trying to be positive but realistic at the same time. If I come out of surgery with no compications… then holy hell that will be amazing, but if not then I will try to deal with the complications as they come.

Not being able to go to the gym and feeling like any work I put into the gym is going to go to waste is my biggest mental block right now. I just have to think of it as training for surgery and making the most of the time I have until June 13th. It is funny, the closer I get to June 13th the closer I get to not being able to workout… but from June 13th on… the closer I get to recovery. The anticipation is really the hardest part.

To prepare mentally I want to think of all the things that I want to focus on outside the gym. All the things that I haven’t had time for. This might be photography, writing, reading, and cooking ( other than cooking for meal prep ). I want to do all the things that keep my mind off of working out if that is possible.

It will be really discouraging losing muscle and feeling weak when I finally do get back into the gym… but I am one determined mother fucker. I will get back. Set backs are temporary.

83 Days

Weekly 5

It is the start of another week and I am filled with the usual dread of the work week. I definitely need a job change. At least hating my job is one consistent feeling in my life.

I think the biggest part about hating my job is feeling disappointed in myself. I had big hopes and dreams for my culinary career but I feel as though I am playing it safe. Stability is something I needed and that was my main reason for getting into this job…but if I want to actually create, I have to do that outside of work but lately I have found myself too exhausted. I guess that could be a reason I am feeling a little less myself.

Cooking for people has always been a way for me to communicate or show my love. I need this back in my life, I need to give more, and I need to create more.

I have also officially decided to set my personal training test AFTER surgery in order not to stress myself out more. I just want to be as healthy as possible going into surgery and give myself more time to study when I will be laid up. It will give me something to do 🙂

This weeks weekly 5

  1. sell/send out wristbands.
  2. Ebay
  3. Up my Cardio
  4. More sleep
  5. Stop letting perfection paralyze me.

 

Weekly 5

100 Days

I am officially under 100 days until surgery. 99 days to be exact.That is pretty crazy to think about.

My mind has been a bit full of anxiety. I am scared about having so much time off from the gym but I am trying to think of things I can focus on instead. Writing is one of them… photography, cooking, and YouTube. It is going to be really hard not to fall into a post-op depression. Some of it is probalby unavoidable but I am determined to fight it the best I can.

People keep asking me if I am nervous.

Of course.

I am incredibly nervous. This is a huge surgery. A surgery that rarely occurs without any complications. It is especially hard to go into knowing that. I am going into this surgery trying to think of ways to cope with complications rather than hoping they won’t happen. ( Okay a small part of me is still hoping it won’t happen. )

It is going to be a very strange feeling to go from being so busy to being laid up in bed. Maybe it will give me the time I need to actually stop and think freely, clearly, without all the jumbled stresses of work.

I am having trouble lately with studying for my personal training exam. I can’t seem to get motivated. I don’t think I will be setting the test date until after surgery. I just have too much going on to stress myself out about one more thing.

I’ve been pretty mad at food for a long time now. Thinking about how I followed my passion of cooking and how I feel I will forever be poor because of it.. BUT, I can’t help but still have such a love for it. I am not done with cooking, it just needs a way to be reborn. I have been brainstorming a bit. I guess I will figure that out at some point. As much as I hate the ego of a chef, I have been working with more experienced chefs lately and it has kind of sparked something in me. A glimmer of what I once felt… They are still passionate about cooking even after so many years and it has been nice to be around others who are still passionate about it.

Food. I am not done with you yet.

 

100 Days

Work

Every Tuesday morning I go through my usual routine… protein shake, coffee, youtube… but Tuesday mornings are particuarly more difficult because I am coming off my weekend and I can’t help but imagine a day where I won’t ever have to go back.

I am grateful for my job and the insurance benefits it provides but it is wearing on me that I spend 40 hours a week at a place I don’t want to be. That is a lot of hours of my life each week that I don’t enjoy.

I am aware that the grass always seems greener. That no matter what I was doing for work it might seem shitty… but I didn’t always feel this way towards my work. It has changed a lot since last year and it feels as though the heart of the company has gone cold. It is all about money lately. So many of the employees that have been there for years have left. Out of all my friends that worked there, I am the only one left.

It is hard working for a company you feel doesn’t care about anything but money. I pride myself in my work. I am a hard worker no matter what but mentally, it is beginning to wear on me.

Food has been one of my biggest passions in life. I began to wonder if my passion was dead but I am feeling more and more that it isn’t dead, I am just needing a change of scenery and more freedom to create. Creating was one of the best things about cooking for me.

I am 105 days away from surgery. 105 days away from a 12 week break from work. Part of me is scared that I will lose my job if I have complications that don’t allow me to go back to work after 12 weeks. ( We only get a total of 12 weeks medical leave until they won’t hold your job for you anymore ). But another part of me feels ready to deal with that and move on. The only thing that has me worried is that I will lose my health insurance. If I can think of a way around this… I will be okay with moving on, but I am not sure how I would handle this.

I am currently training to be a personal trainer but finding the time to study right now seems impossible. I wanted to be certified before surgery, but I might have to let go of that idea and use my down time to study for my test. Life doesn’t always work out how you wanted I suppose.

I am tired of spending so much of my time doing something that sucks the life out of me. This needs to change.

Work

Weekly 5

I am feeling quite overwhelmed today. I’ve got a lot of things to get done, and on top of that I can’t decide whether it is a good idea or not for me to schedule my personal trainers test before or after surgery. I am finding the time to study nearly impossible.. especially with fulfilling orders and etc for my surgery fund raiser.

I really want to get certified so I can do online training while I am out of work but I am afraid I would fail the test, and then have to fork out another $300 to re-test. I just don’t have that kind of money lying around.

I am 106 days away from surgery. Holy shit.

I’ve beent trying to create a balance of hustle and flow. I think I need a flow week.

Weekly 5

  1. Post another item to ebay. I successfully sold something last week!
  2. Keep putting the word out for wristbands
  3. Stay Positive — work kills my soul.
  4. More sleep
  5. Create a new refreshing living environment. Spring cleaning?
Weekly 5