I have had a lot anxiety this week. I kind of went from a getting shit done mode to coping mode.. but nonetheless I will carry on. I am 70 days away from phalloplasty. I have gotten a little caught up in the possibility of having complications and losing my job and not being able to complete my stage two surgery. Losing my job would mean losing my insurance and leaving me with a forever flaccid penis. Karma? Maybe.
This weeks weekly 5
- Wristbands ive got some more to send out.
- vlog I did not do this last week.
- Squat 3x
- Up my cardio to at least 30 mins a day.
- Write down the positive things I did each day that I am even remotely proud of.
I haven’t done one of these in a bit. I was feeling slightly bored by them and also slightly overwhelmed by the disappointment in myself if I didn’t get achieve my weekly goals. BUT, I paid off a credit card recently and it showed me that moving forward and setting goals does get you somewhere.
- Squat 3 times this week
- Run when its sunny
- Relax – Netflix suggestions please?
It is the start of another week and I am filled with the usual dread of the work week. I definitely need a job change. At least hating my job is one consistent feeling in my life.
I think the biggest part about hating my job is feeling disappointed in myself. I had big hopes and dreams for my culinary career but I feel as though I am playing it safe. Stability is something I needed and that was my main reason for getting into this job…but if I want to actually create, I have to do that outside of work but lately I have found myself too exhausted. I guess that could be a reason I am feeling a little less myself.
Cooking for people has always been a way for me to communicate or show my love. I need this back in my life, I need to give more, and I need to create more.
I have also officially decided to set my personal training test AFTER surgery in order not to stress myself out more. I just want to be as healthy as possible going into surgery and give myself more time to study when I will be laid up. It will give me something to do 🙂
This weeks weekly 5
- sell/send out wristbands.
- Up my Cardio
- More sleep
- Stop letting perfection paralyze me.
I feel like lately it has been a struggle to do anything but cope. Even small goals feel overwhelming. I feel like I need to escape. Epsecially this house. If there is a God I feel like he is putting me through some sort of cruel and unusual punishment.
I don’t want to admit that I am maybe dealing with real depression.. but I think at this point I am realizing my down days are more often than my good days and I don’t know how to climb myself out of this hole. I just have to try to keep going.
- Financial Fitness: Bring my grocery spending down. I spend way too much on food. This means less kombucha, and protein bars. I spend at leat $7.00 a day on Kombucha and protein bars. That adds up.
- Study 30 mins each day.
- Run when it is sunny out. ( I am keeping this because it was the only thing I was successful at last week and it makes me feel good )
- Write more
- Set up my fitness plan going into June. ( Surgery is June 13th)
I have had the worst time getting myself to study. It has officially been a month since I have been able to crack my books and find the motivation to do so. I think a lot of it has to do with me feeling sad about having to take such a long break from the gym following surgery… but if I want to move on from my job, and onto working for my damn self then I need to study. Work is an area in my life that I am most unhappy. I can’t just sit here waiting for it to change, or just let my life pass me by. Forty hours a week is a lot of time to spend at a place you don’t want to be.
This weeks Weekly 5
- Save $50 – in order to keep myself more accountable I am going to withdraw $50 cash each week and put it in a jar. After a month I am going to deposit it into my savings account.
- Study… 30 minutes per day. Going lesson by lesson doesn’t seem to be working for me.
- Run when it is sunny out. ( 5k in April?)
- Be gentle with myself.
- Drink more water.
It has been a bit of a weird week. Trump being our new president is still blowing my mind. It is going to be a long four years.
I failed my last weeks weekly 5 pretty miserably… but hey it is a new week right?
- Save $50
- Study ( I didn’t study at all last week ) just lesson 3. Baby steps.
- Youtube Uploads.. taking it down to 2 videos per week so I have enough time to study.
- Record workouts
- Mind rest
My parents have been gone this week and it has allowed me to feel much more relaxed and much less lonely. ( Strange how that works huh?) I think it has made me see just how important it is that I move out of here sooner than later. I can’t seem to move on in life while living under their roof. This means that I really need to study in order for me to reach the goal of moving out so that I can do online personal training on the side. It is vital for me to do in order to earn more money to pay off some bills and move out.
I think I have been so resistent to studying lately because I am afraid to fail. I know, that sounds counter productive… but I am having a hard time believing I could do it. Strange how the brain works sometimes.
I can do this.
Not going to lie, I don’t feel like making a weekly 5 this week…but I know it is important and I will.
So here it goes.
- Save $50
- Study for personal training test. Get through lessons 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. I took a bit of a break so I feel the need to re-do some lessons.
- Keep up my youtube upload schedule, but change it to Monday, Wednesday, Saturday.
- Continue recording workouts to track progress.
- Be kind to myself.