The Surface

I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about my relationship with my mother. Things between us are not the greatest. Our relationship was mostly built off fear. My mom isn’t the nurturing type, but I do have to say that at least our relationship has been able to go past just being at surface level.

To a certain extent we get each other. We are both hardcore introverts that are misunderstood by my extroverted Father. We are not like him, but he can’t ever seem to accept that not everyone is like him… and if you are not like him then you are some sort of inferior species.

I was thinking the other day how a lot of my childhood memories involve my mom. Some good, some.. not so good at all, but despite all this I realized that I don’t have a lot of memories with my Dad because he wasn’t really there. He was working most of the time, but even when he was home he was checked out. He was in the garage working on his stained glass, or he was in the yard working on his garden, or his pastels or etc.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy sad and angry about my past with my mom, but I have never truly greived my relationship with my father. He wasn’t there, and he is still not there.

I live in the same house with my Dad still, and our relationship is even more distant than it was when I was a child. I am sure my transition hasn’t been easy for him to deal wtih but its hard sometimes. The only time he talks to me is when he tells me that he sold a painting. “That’s awesome” I will reply.

I feel such a huge tug on my heart to put out more effort into talking to him, to deepening our relationship but at the same time I want nothing more than to be miles and miles away from him. I feel hurt, anger, and fear of rejection. I don’t know that we will ever be close… or that I am strong enough to try to build any sort of relationship at this point.

When I came out to him as trans, the first thing he said to me was “You are going to put yourself in a lot of debt.” He was right, but that about sums up his whole personality. He cares more about money than hapiness or risk. He makes practical decisions, not emotional decisions. The only emotional decision he ever made was marrying my mom and the deepest conversations he ever had with me were how he wanted to leave her.

I never want to sacrifice my happiness for money. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I became a chef. I might not make a lot of money but I get to create, and I get the pleasure or nourishing people.

I can only hope one day that my Dad looks at me the same way he looks at my brother. Of course I want him to be proud of me but at the same time I don’t know how realistic that is and might be better off greiving our relationship rather than continually be let down by some sort unrealistic expectations.

My heart is heavy today.

The Surface

Is It Even Happening?

I have been having some insurance issues.

Two months away from surgery, insurance issues are not something that I want to be having.

Dr. Chen’s office doesn’t submit for pre-approval to your insurance until about 30 days out. They are backlogged and I may not know if I am actually approved until pretty close to my sugery date. This leaves me feeling incredibly anxious.

I can only assume that everything is going to be okay but just in case, I contacted Chens office. The insurance people told me that I needed my primary care physician to send in a more current referral in order for them to submit to my insurance for pre-approval… okay, this would have been good to know and how is it that TWO months before surgery, they need a referral? I already had one but I guess they needed a more current one.

I immediately emailed my doctor to ask for her to send in a referral. She responded pretty quickly and sent in a referral for me but I did notice that the referral just said “General Surgery”. I immediately had my doubts that the referral was done correctly but I didn’t want to question her and just waited it out. Two weeks later and I noticed the referral says closed.

I don’t think my doctors office sent the referral correctly for one, but secondly… why does Chens office need a referral two months out and is this going to delay my approval process?

I am hitting that point in time where I need to talk to my work and let people know that I may be on leave for 12 weeks.

I also emailed Chens office to get a Doctors letter for medical leave.. I am still waiting on that as well.

I am trying to be patient but anxiety makes it really hard. It drives me crazy when there are so many things that are not set in stone. I don’t want to get my hopes up and then have something happen. My hopes are already up so if for some reason I can’t have surgery… this will be devastating.

I am trying not to think about the worst case scenario.

I wish it would all just go smooth for once.

Is It Even Happening?

An Old Friend

I am 64 days out from phalloplasty. I am growing more and more excited. I keep picturing what it is going to feel like to finally look down and see what is supposed to be there. It doesn’t come without sacrafice but it is worth it.

I fear complications of course, but even more so I fear getting my hopes up and having insurance pull some sort of shitty fast one on me when it comes to getting pre-approval. I highly doubt anything like that will happen but I am an anxious person so of course it is in the back of my mind. I tell myself to not worry about that and stop thinking that is going to happen because it is not… but then I think if I stop worrying about it, somehow the world is going to force it to happen because I am not allowed to have something go so smooth without worrying about it first.

My brain works in mysterious ways. My sanity is always in question.

Something happened yesterday that still has me feeling shocked. A friend of mine that I thought I would never see or hear from again texted me out of the clear blue sky.

I was driving home from work and my phone vibrated. I was curious about who might be texting me so I checked, and it was a text from this old friend that said… “Hi” thats it, just…”Hi”. I wondered if she had texted me on accident at first, or if she was drunk… I was hesistant to respond in fear that it was an accident but I just wrote back “Hey whats up” and then she texted “we should reconnect sometime” Still in shock that it was not an accident I said I agreed and that I missed hanging out with her. That was an understatement. I felt really hurt about everything that had happened between us, but I looked up to this person ALOT and had missed her a ton. She was like a big sister to me. My big gay sister.

I am not really sure how to feel about it all still. I can’t forget about the shitty stuff she did, but time has passed and maybe we can start fresh. I would like that at least.. but I guess we will see. I could use a fellow single friend since literally none of my friends are single.

Speaking of being single, I can’t seem to find a relationship that isn’t abusive.

The last person I dated… my friend had to basically slap me in the face and tell me that once again I was in an abusive relationship. Sure it was a much milder case than the previous one but still toxic, and not healthy.

I feel bummed, but deep down I know that now is not a good time to be dating. I have surgery in two months.. I don’t want to start dating someone and then explain what is currently in my pants, and what will potentially be in my pants.

I just hope to meet a girl someday that accepts me for me, is strong, independent, funny, and comfortable in her own skin.

 

 

 

An Old Friend

Look What I’ve Done

Lately I have been struggling with being a perfectionist. I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. To the point that I let it paralyze me. Sometimes when I create… whether it is a food or a youtube video I have to fight myself even more the next timet to put something out there again in fear that it might not be good, or not better than the last time. I always want to improve.

There are times that I still fear to take risks or do things that I might fail at and have people see it… but then I think back to all that I have done despite of what others thought.

I got divorced, came out, and transitioned. Although it was not completely fearless… I still did it. I’ve been a bit more full of fear lately but then I have to stop and think to myself… Look what i’ve done.

I’ve made great strides in becoming my authentic self. I AM living. And although I struggle with things…I have been able to push through so much. I can’t forget how far I have come.

 

Look What I’ve Done

100 Days

I am officially under 100 days until surgery. 99 days to be exact.That is pretty crazy to think about.

My mind has been a bit full of anxiety. I am scared about having so much time off from the gym but I am trying to think of things I can focus on instead. Writing is one of them… photography, cooking, and YouTube. It is going to be really hard not to fall into a post-op depression. Some of it is probalby unavoidable but I am determined to fight it the best I can.

People keep asking me if I am nervous.

Of course.

I am incredibly nervous. This is a huge surgery. A surgery that rarely occurs without any complications. It is especially hard to go into knowing that. I am going into this surgery trying to think of ways to cope with complications rather than hoping they won’t happen. ( Okay a small part of me is still hoping it won’t happen. )

It is going to be a very strange feeling to go from being so busy to being laid up in bed. Maybe it will give me the time I need to actually stop and think freely, clearly, without all the jumbled stresses of work.

I am having trouble lately with studying for my personal training exam. I can’t seem to get motivated. I don’t think I will be setting the test date until after surgery. I just have too much going on to stress myself out about one more thing.

I’ve been pretty mad at food for a long time now. Thinking about how I followed my passion of cooking and how I feel I will forever be poor because of it.. BUT, I can’t help but still have such a love for it. I am not done with cooking, it just needs a way to be reborn. I have been brainstorming a bit. I guess I will figure that out at some point. As much as I hate the ego of a chef, I have been working with more experienced chefs lately and it has kind of sparked something in me. A glimmer of what I once felt… They are still passionate about cooking even after so many years and it has been nice to be around others who are still passionate about it.

Food. I am not done with you yet.

 

100 Days

Asking For Help|Weekly 5

I am officially 4 months away from phalloplasty. When it comes to money, it seems like it is happening very soon, but otherwise it still seems so far away.

This weekend, on top of my already stressed financial state, I received a hospital bill from my hysto I had a year ago. I now have to pay a bill of 1753.55. Sigh.

I think that I might be at the point of needing to ask for help. I am not against GoFundMe pages but I just really wanted to be able to do it on my own.

I’ve been kind of boggling my mind for how else I can save money but I already live paycheck to paycheck as it is. I am beyond stressed and failing at life. It is really hard to push yourself when all you can do most days is survive.

On to the Weekly 5

  1. Track and Monitor spending this week to make further adjustments.
  2. STUDY- I didn’t study at all last week. I need to study in order to do some online training while I am recovering.
  3. STUDY ( yes this takes up two spaces this week ).
  4. Try a go at selling things on Ebay. Post up at least one item. Think of other creative ways to bring in more money.
  5. Ask for help. I am not superman. https://www.gofundme.com/codyspene Yep there it is. I posted my gofundme page. Sigh. Asking for help is hard.

 

 

Asking For Help|Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I have had the worst time getting myself to study. It has officially been a month since I have been able to crack my books and find the motivation to do so. I think a lot of it has to do with me feeling sad about having to take such a long break from the gym following surgery… but if I want to move on from my job, and onto working for my damn self then I need to study. Work is an area in my life that I am most unhappy. I can’t just sit here waiting for it to change, or just let my life pass me by. Forty hours a week is a lot of time to spend at a place you don’t want to be.

This weeks Weekly 5

  1. Save $50 – in order to keep myself more accountable I am going to withdraw $50 cash each week and put it in a jar. After a month I am going to deposit it into my savings account.
  2. Study… 30 minutes per day. Going lesson by lesson doesn’t seem to be working for me.
  3. Run when it is sunny out. ( 5k in April?)
  4. Be gentle with myself.
  5. Drink more water.

 

 

Weekly 5