Lately I have been struggling with being a perfectionist. I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. To the point that I let it paralyze me. Sometimes when I create… whether it is a food or a youtube video I have to fight myself even more the next timet to put something out there again in fear that it might not be good, or not better than the last time. I always want to improve.
There are times that I still fear to take risks or do things that I might fail at and have people see it… but then I think back to all that I have done despite of what others thought.
I got divorced, came out, and transitioned. Although it was not completely fearless… I still did it. I’ve been a bit more full of fear lately but then I have to stop and think to myself… Look what i’ve done.
I’ve made great strides in becoming my authentic self. I AM living. And although I struggle with things…I have been able to push through so much. I can’t forget how far I have come.
I am officially 4 months away from phalloplasty. When it comes to money, it seems like it is happening very soon, but otherwise it still seems so far away.
This weekend, on top of my already stressed financial state, I received a hospital bill from my hysto I had a year ago. I now have to pay a bill of 1753.55. Sigh.
I think that I might be at the point of needing to ask for help. I am not against GoFundMe pages but I just really wanted to be able to do it on my own.
I’ve been kind of boggling my mind for how else I can save money but I already live paycheck to paycheck as it is. I am beyond stressed and failing at life. It is really hard to push yourself when all you can do most days is survive.
On to the Weekly 5
- Track and Monitor spending this week to make further adjustments.
- STUDY- I didn’t study at all last week. I need to study in order to do some online training while I am recovering.
- STUDY ( yes this takes up two spaces this week ).
- Try a go at selling things on Ebay. Post up at least one item. Think of other creative ways to bring in more money.
- Ask for help. I am not superman. https://www.gofundme.com/codyspene Yep there it is. I posted my gofundme page. Sigh. Asking for help is hard.
I’ve been having some hard days. Flipping in and out of days with anxiety, followed by days of depression. I am usually pretty good at getting myself out of funks but this one has been particularly hard to get myself out of. I think it is a mix of feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I am failing, turning 30 ( tomorrow ) and feeling like I miss my old circle of friends. ( This is a long story ).
I can’t help but imagine what it would feel like to leave my job and move on to the next phase in life. I imagine just walking away and figuring it out as it happens but I know that I can’t do that. I have bills to pay and surgery coming up in June. If I were to be honest, I am trying to set myself up to walk away in June.. but perhaps a little more prepared. I Just have to be patient, and I have to continue to work towards putting myself in a position where I can move on. It can be frustrating but that is what happens when you are an adult I suppose. Oh lord, I really am thirty years old. I want to live my life with more purpose. I get the most inspired and excited when I can help and inspire others. Seeing other people make a change in their lives makes me feel so happy and awake. This is why I want to get into personal training. Not because I think that everyone should strive for the “perfect” body or for six pack abs… but because seeing people take steps to better themselves makes me feel alive. I love it when people take control of their lives and do things that make them feel refreshed, happier, healthier, and excited to live!
Wow, rant over. Time for the weekly five.
- Save $50
- Study and complete lessons 5 and 6 for my personal training certificate.
- Make a Youtube Upload Schedule ( thinking Monday, Wednesday, Friday? )
- Continue to record workouts and share.
- Put old shit I don’t use up on Ebay to see if I can sell it to put towards surgery in June.
I am officially less than 6 months away from phalloplasty. Crazy to think that in just a week or so I will no longer being saying I am having bottom surgery next year. It is nearly 2017 and surgery will be within the same year!
I am nervous about having complications… but I am getting more and more excited about being more complete, and feeling even more comfortable in my body. I am having RFF phalloplasty so the arm scar was something that was really getting to me… but now that I have had enough electrolysis sesssions, my arm already looks a bit funny with half of the hair removed and it is like I just try to picture my arm as though it already has a scar. I have seen a lot of guys with scars lately… so perhaps I have just become desensitized to it? Or maybe I just don’t care so much about anymore because I will finally have my penis.
Of course I am still dreading the recovery process but I am trying to stay positive and think of things I can do in my down time. One of those things being writing. I feel as though I never have enough time for it anymore but I will have much more time during recovery!
One thing that I am struggling with though is how open I want to be about the surgery. As the date gets closer and closer I am finding it hard to know what I will say to my co-workers. This is a pretty personal and vulnerable surgery pertaining to my genitals. I don’t know how much I want to reveal but at the same time I am excited and kind of wish people could understand! I am also unsure about what I will say about coming back to work with my scar. I will probably be wearing a sleeve to protect it for awhile but I am sure people will start to wonder why I am even wearing a sleeve.
Oh anxiety. I wish I didn’t think so much about the little things.
On Dec. 11th I will be two years on testosterone. I have been thinking about this all week and it kind of blows my mind.
I remember back when I didn’t know if I would ever start T. I was juggling with it so hard and just wished that someone would run by and stab me with a needle haha. I had a lot of fear around starting but finally when I did… they all went away and the more changes I started to see, the more I saw myself in the mirror and the more at peace I became.
The first year on T was filled with physical changes. The man I felt on the inside was finally being revealed on the outside. It was an amazing feeling. I no longer felt invisible.
The second year on T brought less physical changes but I feel as though it was a year of growing into the new body I was living in. It was a year of finding myself and healing from my past. I felt as though I had missed out on so many years of my life and didn’t have anymore time to waste. In the second year, I grew stronger. Not only physically but emotionally.
Sometimes I feel like there is this big black hole in my life. Like I fell into a coma when I was 10 and am just now waking up and am left to pick up where I left off and learn to navigate this life as a man. Like I had to hit the ground running. I missed out on some of my boyhood and I am still grieiving that and making up for lost time.
Being trans sometimes has its frustrations and I would be a liar if I said there were not moments where I didn’t wish I was just born as a cis male. Dealing with surgeries and recovery tends to put me at my weakest points. However, I do have a lot more life experiences than the average cis person. I have seen two worlds without having to travel one mile. I’ve walked this earth as both male and female. Being able to see this world from both genders really gives you a different persepctive than the average person.
Year One: My physical self was revealed.
Year Two: Emotional growth and still on the search to find out who the man I have become truly is.
Last weeks 5% was a pretty epic fail. I am trying not to get down on myself for it but I hate failing. I guess I should still celebrate the small victories. I managed to have a decently low anxiety work week.. however, my latest doctor appointment has spiked my anxiety to an all time high. I don’t really feel like writing about it now.. but lets just say it leads into this weeks number one.
- Drink at least 2 liters of water per day. NO KOMBUCHA for two months.
- Study for personal training test
- Save $50
- Lunges and abs everyday since I failed to do this last week.
- Rest. I have found I am actually much more productive when I take time to rest.
That is it for this weeks weekly five. What is your weekly five?
Today is Thanksgiving. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t cook thanksgiving dinner.. in fact, I spent today completely alone and I enjoyed it. Sometimes I feel like holidays put way too much pressure to hang out with people even if you don’t want to, or even if you don’t particularly like the people you are obligated to hang out with. If people love you, they will hang out with you any day.. it doesn’t have to be a special occasion.
Besides this one, I think that my favorite Thanksgiving was actually spent with my ex girlfriend two years ago. She made me feel very loved and appreciated that day. We also had some really good food and company. I was just starting my transition so I didn’t particularly feel comfortable around my family. She made me feel calm and at home.
I actually have been missing her lately. Things were not always so great between us, but I do feel like she is the last one that may have understood me to a certain extent. She was very smart, and she was beautiful.
We were engaged at one point, but I ended it one night by walking out. We had a lot of good moments. I think we understood each other in a lot of ways that other people did not but there were also times where I felt I was walking on egg shells and was alwayas upsetting her. I began to fear expressing any feelings or thoughts or concerns because I didn’t want to upset her.. and she would get pretty harsh and mean when she was upset.
Sometimes I wonder if things could have been different, or maybe I am just forgetting the bad times. Sometimes I wonder if I cared too much about a certain friends opinion that isn’t even my friend anymore.
I haven’t spoken to her since we broke up, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about her or try to check up on her. Sometimes I feel like reaching out to her, but I feel like I would just make her angry.
She probably thinks I don’t care about her but that is far from the truth. I just wish I could let her know that somehow.