Never Ending

Surgery can be such a strange bittersweet thing when you are trans. You go into a hopsital feeling healthy but icomplete, then come out in pain yet feeling complete. Of course, the pain is temporary but with this surgery it sure doesn’t feel temporary. This has been the longest recovery I have experienced.

Considering what could go wrong, I guess I feel like I have had a pretty smooth ride so far, but I am having problems with fistulas opening up and leaking/bleeding. I have one stubborn fistula that doesn’t want to close despite Dr.Chen saying it would within a week or two. It has been a week or two.

It is not his fault. Obviously bodies are different and complicated in their own way. This isn’t as much of a routine surgery. There is so much going on and healing really does take time. I am usually a fast healer and kind of thought that maybe it would be the same for this surgery but I was wrong. There is nothing fast about healing when it comes to this surgery and perhaps it is my fault for thinking I would heal as quick as I usually do. I am sure my body is quite confused about what it just went though. So on that note, thank you body for enduring this surgery to fix something that should have been all along.

On top of a few fistulas, one which seems to constantly be bleeding, I noticed I was bleeding a bit from my vaginectomy site last night. It is not a huge bleed but just a little… Dr.Chen said if the bleeding is a constant drip to go to the ER, but if it is not I should hold pressure on it until it stops.

The amount of things that can go wrong even a month post-op is definitely not something I anticipated. I haven’t had any issues with my vaginectomy site as of yet so was feeling pretty grateful that everything was going okay there… BUT well, now I will be keeping tabs on that as well.

I have my next post-op appointment on Thursday so hopefully nothing too serious happens between then and now. I don’t know how much more I can take going wrong in one week. I just want my dick to heal so I can get back to normal life and not lose my job.

This is all happening for a reason, whether I know the reason now or not… but one day I will look back and know why, of course I know it will make me stronger in the end.

 

 

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Never Ending

Almost There

On Dec. 11th I will be two years on testosterone. I have been thinking about this all week and it kind of blows my mind.

I remember back when I didn’t know if I would ever start T. I was juggling with it so hard and just wished that someone would run by and stab me with a needle haha. I had a lot of fear around starting but finally when I did… they all went away and the more changes I started to see, the more I saw myself in the mirror and the more at peace I became.

The first year on T was filled with physical changes. The man I felt on the inside was finally being revealed on the outside. It was an amazing feeling. I no longer felt invisible.

The second year on T brought less physical changes but I feel as though it was a year of growing into the new body I was living in. It was a year of finding myself and healing from my past. I felt as though I had missed out on so many years of my life and didn’t have anymore time to waste. In the second year, I grew stronger. Not only physically but emotionally.

Sometimes I feel like there is this big black hole in my life. Like I fell into a coma when I was 10 and am just now waking up and am left to pick up where I left off and learn to navigate this life as a man. Like I had to hit the ground running. I missed out on some of my boyhood and I am still grieiving that and making up for lost time.

Being trans sometimes has its frustrations and I would be a liar if I said there were not moments where I didn’t wish I was just born as a cis male. Dealing with surgeries and recovery tends to put me at my weakest points. However, I do have a lot more life experiences than the average cis person. I have seen two worlds without having to travel one mile. I’ve walked this earth as both male and female. Being able to see this world from both genders really gives you a different persepctive than the average person.

Year One: My physical self was revealed.

Year Two: Emotional growth and still on the search to find out who the man I have become truly is.

 

Almost There