77 Days

I am 77 days from surgery now. The antcipation surely is the worst.

I am feeling a little less anxious about everything. I have had the house to myself for a week and it has been pretty amazing mentally. I also paid of a credit card and it gave me hope that one day I will be out of debt and able to afford my own place. I am a long way off still but there is a one word mantra that has been playing through my head all week. “Patience.”

Time does pass, things continue to move forward. With a little bit of work and a little bit of patience, eventually we do get to where we want to be. It might not be as fast as we want it to happen but the secret is not giving up no matter how much time it takes. Keep going.

I think there is this sense in the world right now that we need to do everything right away and as fast as possible to get everything we ever wanted in life… but the real truth is that all we can do is put in the work but we might not see the benefits for awhile… but that is OK!

One of the biggest reasons I feel so short on time is because I feel like I lost a lot of my life to fear. I feel like my life started after my first shot of testosterone… and now I have to make up for lost time. It often feels like I am doing 100 meter sprints and trying to catch my breath. I am trying to tell myself it is okay to jog. I am not going to miss anything, I am not going to enjoy life anymore by sprinting.

I have had the house to myself this week and it has really brought me some mental clarity. I wish it wasn’t temporary… one day I will move out of my parents house. I think the hardest thing about living with my parents is that they may appear supportive now but they were not always and it is really hard to just forgive and forget. They are still very religious and not only judge being trans but they judge sex, alcohol consumption , me not going to church… etc.

I carry a lot of shame. It makes me tense and allows anxiety to fill my life.

Dating someone while I am living at home is something I have found to be impossible. I don’t like my parents being involved in my dating life, or asking questions or seeing them after having sex. It is too much for me to currenlty handle. After surgery, my biggest focus needs to be moving out of this house so that I can move on with my life and heal from my past.

My mom will be my caretaker after surgery. After much resistence I finally decided to accept this. My mom was abusive to me as a child so it is really really hard to go back into a state of being dependent on her. It quite honestly scares me but I can only hope that this time around it will be different. It just stirs up a lot of feelings for me and I am trying my best to come to terms with these feelings and learn how to move on from them, or to deal with them at best.

The only way I can really get passed some of the abuse from my mom is to have compassion. I know that inside, she is a broken person and that is why she treated me the way she did… but I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and a deep hole in my heart of feeling unloved and unnurtured. –which I think has also led me into abusive relationships in the past.

One day I will find a healthy relationship. One day after I am able to get passed my childhood, my transition, and being able to completley love and accept myself. This year will not only be dedicated to healing physically but emotionally.

 

 

77 Days

83 Days

I am not sure if I am going to write a blog post a day leading up to surgery but that seems to be the case so far.

I am 83 days away from surgery… which is a little under twelve weeks away.

Twelve weeks is the length of an average contest prep for a bodybuilding compeition. Since I don’t get to prep for a competition this year, I am going to use these next 12 weeks to prep for surgery. I figured it will help keep me busy and perhaps even pass time faster.

I will be documenting these next 12 weeks on my YouTube channel, leading up to surgery. The overall goal is to be my healthiest self leading up to the day of surgery, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I will be focusing on overall fitness and even more so on mental health. I am trying to be easy on myself when I feel anxious about surgery. This is a big surgery. I am definitely trying to be positive but realistic at the same time. If I come out of surgery with no compications… then holy hell that will be amazing, but if not then I will try to deal with the complications as they come.

Not being able to go to the gym and feeling like any work I put into the gym is going to go to waste is my biggest mental block right now. I just have to think of it as training for surgery and making the most of the time I have until June 13th. It is funny, the closer I get to June 13th the closer I get to not being able to workout… but from June 13th on… the closer I get to recovery. The anticipation is really the hardest part.

To prepare mentally I want to think of all the things that I want to focus on outside the gym. All the things that I haven’t had time for. This might be photography, writing, reading, and cooking ( other than cooking for meal prep ). I want to do all the things that keep my mind off of working out if that is possible.

It will be really discouraging losing muscle and feeling weak when I finally do get back into the gym… but I am one determined mother fucker. I will get back. Set backs are temporary.

83 Days

84 Days

Time seems to be going by faster and faster. I am 84 days out from bottom surgery. It feels like just yesterday I hit 200 days!

I am excited and also incredibly nervous. I think the hardest part to think about right now is that I will be going at this semi-alone. My mom has offered to come down to surgery with me but I am nervous because she hasn’t really looked too much into what this surgery entails… also, I don’t really want her to see me naked.

I am afriad that my mom seeing my arm or body in such a wrecked state will trigger her, and then in return trigger me. I kind of need someone to lie to me at the time and tell me it doesn’t look so bad. ๐Ÿ˜› Having someone else gasp at my arm or my penis is not going to be helpful.

My Mom also hasn’t always been so supportive. I think she has come a long way, but I am nervous to test her supportiveness in such a huge event. I want to be grateful for her willingness to help but I fear being so completely vulnerable around her. I have a hard time being vulnerable around my parents for various reasons so this will be ALOT.

Normally I would opt for my best friend to come with me for surgery. She came with me to my top surgery but now she has a kid and another one on the way. She has her own life now and I am happy for her but I miss how our friendship used to be every damn day. It has changed so much. I guess you could say we were pretty co-dependent on each other… I still depended on her a lot up until I guess she didn’t need to depend on me anymore. She had her family move back from Texas, she had a kid… she has everything she needs..but I still need her and I get sad just thinking about it. I guess you could say we had a weird friendship. We were basically partners without the whole sex part. ๐Ÿ˜›

I am feeling bummed my best friend won’t be there. I have had another friend offer to be there but she hasn’t always been the best at following through with things. I guess time will tell what happens..but until then, I just have to focus on myself… keep going. I will get through this.

 

 

 

84 Days

Weekly 5

I feel like lately it has been a struggle to do anything but cope. Even small goals feel overwhelming. I feel like I need to escape. Epsecially this house. If there is a God I feel like he is putting me through some sort of cruel and unusual punishment.

I don’t want to admit that I am maybe dealing with real depression.. but I think at this point I am realizing my down days are more often than my good days and I don’t know how to climb myself out of this hole. I just have to try to keep going.

  1. Financial Fitness: Bring my grocery spending down. I spend way too much on food. ย This means less kombucha, and protein bars. I spend at leat $7.00 a day on Kombucha and protein bars. That adds up.
  2. Study 30 mins each day.
  3. Run when it is sunny out. ( I am keeping this because it was the only thing I was successful at last week and it makes me feel good )
  4. Write more
  5. Set up my fitness plan going into June. ( Surgery is June 13th)
Weekly 5

The Ache

 

Weekends are bittersweet. It is nice not to be working… but being home makes it hard to ignore the deep ache and heavy feeling of shame I feel when I am around my parents.

It really brings my mood down and I can’t find anything to distract me from the ache. I keep wondering… maybe if I talk about it, maybe if I write about it… maybe if I can distract myself, that it will go away…but it won’t.

Every ounce of my body and mind aches. It is so hard to describe and I want so badly for someone to understand or help me get rid of this feeling but I know that isn’t possible. Maybe if I could move out and remove myself from my parents house but I am truly stuck here and knowing that makes me sad, angry, frustrated… and hopeless.

I try to think of ways that I can make more money to move out but I chose the wrong career if I ever wanted to make enough money to live comfortably. I don’t want to be or feel all the negativity I am feeling right now but it is so overwhelming. Maybe writing about it will help flush some of it out.

I get really sad when I think about how hard I work… and how still, my parents refuse to see that, they only see my faults, or just assume the worst about me. I’ve talked and written about this so many times before but not being able to remove myself from the situation makes it SO hard to get past and move on. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve found myself thinking about suicide more than ever. I just feel so much pain while I am in this house I want it to stop. I finally love myself, I love my life, I am incredibly proud of everything I have gotten through but at the same time I feel invnisible to the people who I want to see me the most.

I don’t plan on taking my life, or escaping by means of drugs but my mind certainly likes to think about anything that would take away the pain.ย I know this will pass, I know that just like everything else that I will get through this, but in this moment it is really fucking hard.

The Ache

It’s Over

Its been a little over a week since my bodbuilding competition. I can’t even really describe what an amazing experience it all was. It was really HARD. Lots of work, anxiety inducing, but at the same time extremely exciting and healing.

I am happy to say that I got second place. I’d be a liar if I said I was completely happy with it… I would have loved to have gotten first place but I lost to a guy that is the only transman to ever win gold at the gay games and who competes regularly in bodybuilding shows. So I guess if I had to take second to someone… I am glad it was him. ๐Ÿ™‚

The biggest thing going through my mind is that I can’t believe I did it. I put in a ton of hard work and I stepped on that stage nearly naked.. even though I was scared shitless. I guess it was a learning experience for me.. just to know that I am capable of more than I thought.. even if it is something that terrifies me.

They say you grow the most when you are outside your comfort zone. Boy isn’t that the truth. I am going to try and put myself outside my comfort zone more often and see what happens. Speaking of which, tomorrow I am speaking with a queer college group. I don’t really know what I am going to say.. but they want me to talk about my transition and experience of the bodybuilding competition. I am not super excited about it as it is on a work night but I am trying to be brave and try new things. If I can step on a stage half naked.. I can do this too!

Something that has really been on my mind lately is I am wanting to work towards my next bodybuilding competition but I have surgery for phalloplasty in June. I feel like any hard work that I put into working out now will all be lost during recovery. It is frustrating and sad and discouraging. I am also bummed that this year they are starting a transgender bodybuilding league and the next competition will be in August in Seattle. I want to go… but I won’t be recovered enough. It super bums me out. Someone asked me if I could delay surgery.. but, that would mean having to stay in my job for that much longer in order to keep my insurance. I might go crazy.

If I have surgery in June.. at least it will give me a whole year to prepare for the next FTM competition. It is going to be a tough recovery, a tough surgery, and I get sad thinking about the recovery process. The only way I can get through it is if I think long term and how I won’t have to pack anymore in a competition, or I can use a urinal and make my everyday life much easier and less dysphoric. It is going to be another hurdle to get over, but I have done it before.. I can do it again. I know I can do it. With some patience and a lot of hard work. Praying I don’t have any major complications.

 

It’s Over