Brain Noise

My brain has been pretty noisy lately. I haven’t been able to write much or come to terms with many of my thoughts but I guess I should write before my head explodes. I have been dealing with complication after complication post- phalloplasty so I just have reached the height of my frustration and depression.  Yea that is right, I said it. I am depressed.

I have been dealing with fistulas, which finally seem to be improving but now that I am able to try to pee I have learned that I can’t empty my bladder completely and may have a stricture. My stream has also changed from an actual stream to a spraying mess like a garden hose with a finger over the opening. I am trying my hardest to be able to cope, but it is hard to cope when your usual coping methods are not something you are able to do. I am starting to almost feel like I might be able to do some light workouts but I am feeling nervous about going to the gym with a messed up arm and a catheter… and lets be real my ego is getting in the way of me only being able to lift light. My wrist still has very little mobility so I am not sure how well I would be able to lift, but I think I might be able to use some of the machines.

Surgery aside, I am having some anxiety regarding work which is pretty normal when I am planning to return after surgery. I guess with each surgery I have a small hope I won’t have to return. I always end up having to return.

I am especially frustrated with myself this time because I feel so tired of my job, so burned out and so cynical when it comes to the food industry. It makes me sad when I think that my passion for cooking has died. Maybe there is a chance for it to come back but right now I am just so angry at it. I am tired of being poor, and tired of struggling and I know being trans hand having surgery each year plays a role in that as well but… I feel like if I am going to be poor I want to do something that I am passionate about and worth being poor for. Then of course there is always the hope that somehow, at some point in my life I will make enough money to function like a normal human being. I am so frustrated with where I am at in life some days my brain just shuts down.

I am a strong believer in people having a lot more control over their lives than they might think. If I want my life to be different, I need to take action and put in the work to change it… its just the work that feels so overwhelming to me right now. Surgery has really thrown me for a loop. I don’t know how to function when I don’t have my routine.

Maybe I can still have hope I don’t have a stricture. Maybe one day I will feel back to normal. I just have to keep going, but that is really fucking tough right now.

Brain Noise

Never Ending

Surgery can be such a strange bittersweet thing when you are trans. You go into a hopsital feeling healthy but icomplete, then come out in pain yet feeling complete. Of course, the pain is temporary but with this surgery it sure doesn’t feel temporary. This has been the longest recovery I have experienced.

Considering what could go wrong, I guess I feel like I have had a pretty smooth ride so far, but I am having problems with fistulas opening up and leaking/bleeding. I have one stubborn fistula that doesn’t want to close despite Dr.Chen saying it would within a week or two. It has been a week or two.

It is not his fault. Obviously bodies are different and complicated in their own way. This isn’t as much of a routine surgery. There is so much going on and healing really does take time. I am usually a fast healer and kind of thought that maybe it would be the same for this surgery but I was wrong. There is nothing fast about healing when it comes to this surgery and perhaps it is my fault for thinking I would heal as quick as I usually do. I am sure my body is quite confused about what it just went though. So on that note, thank you body for enduring this surgery to fix something that should have been all along.

On top of a few fistulas, one which seems to constantly be bleeding, I noticed I was bleeding a bit from my vaginectomy site last night. It is not a huge bleed but just a little… Dr.Chen said if the bleeding is a constant drip to go to the ER, but if it is not I should hold pressure on it until it stops.

The amount of things that can go wrong even a month post-op is definitely not something I anticipated. I haven’t had any issues with my vaginectomy site as of yet so was feeling pretty grateful that everything was going okay there… BUT well, now I will be keeping tabs on that as well.

I have my next post-op appointment on Thursday so hopefully nothing too serious happens between then and now. I don’t know how much more I can take going wrong in one week. I just want my dick to heal so I can get back to normal life and not lose my job.

This is all happening for a reason, whether I know the reason now or not… but one day I will look back and know why, of course I know it will make me stronger in the end.



Never Ending

83 Days

I am not sure if I am going to write a blog post a day leading up to surgery but that seems to be the case so far.

I am 83 days away from surgery… which is a little under twelve weeks away.

Twelve weeks is the length of an average contest prep for a bodybuilding compeition. Since I don’t get to prep for a competition this year, I am going to use these next 12 weeks to prep for surgery. I figured it will help keep me busy and perhaps even pass time faster.

I will be documenting these next 12 weeks on my YouTube channel, leading up to surgery. The overall goal is to be my healthiest self leading up to the day of surgery, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I will be focusing on overall fitness and even more so on mental health. I am trying to be easy on myself when I feel anxious about surgery. This is a big surgery. I am definitely trying to be positive but realistic at the same time. If I come out of surgery with no compications… then holy hell that will be amazing, but if not then I will try to deal with the complications as they come.

Not being able to go to the gym and feeling like any work I put into the gym is going to go to waste is my biggest mental block right now. I just have to think of it as training for surgery and making the most of the time I have until June 13th. It is funny, the closer I get to June 13th the closer I get to not being able to workout… but from June 13th on… the closer I get to recovery. The anticipation is really the hardest part.

To prepare mentally I want to think of all the things that I want to focus on outside the gym. All the things that I haven’t had time for. This might be photography, writing, reading, and cooking ( other than cooking for meal prep ). I want to do all the things that keep my mind off of working out if that is possible.

It will be really discouraging losing muscle and feeling weak when I finally do get back into the gym… but I am one determined mother fucker. I will get back. Set backs are temporary.

83 Days

100 Days

I am officially under 100 days until surgery. 99 days to be exact.That is pretty crazy to think about.

My mind has been a bit full of anxiety. I am scared about having so much time off from the gym but I am trying to think of things I can focus on instead. Writing is one of them… photography, cooking, and YouTube. It is going to be really hard not to fall into a post-op depression. Some of it is probalby unavoidable but I am determined to fight it the best I can.

People keep asking me if I am nervous.

Of course.

I am incredibly nervous. This is a huge surgery. A surgery that rarely occurs without any complications. It is especially hard to go into knowing that. I am going into this surgery trying to think of ways to cope with complications rather than hoping they won’t happen. ( Okay a small part of me is still hoping it won’t happen. )

It is going to be a very strange feeling to go from being so busy to being laid up in bed. Maybe it will give me the time I need to actually stop and think freely, clearly, without all the jumbled stresses of work.

I am having trouble lately with studying for my personal training exam. I can’t seem to get motivated. I don’t think I will be setting the test date until after surgery. I just have too much going on to stress myself out about one more thing.

I’ve been pretty mad at food for a long time now. Thinking about how I followed my passion of cooking and how I feel I will forever be poor because of it.. BUT, I can’t help but still have such a love for it. I am not done with cooking, it just needs a way to be reborn. I have been brainstorming a bit. I guess I will figure that out at some point. As much as I hate the ego of a chef, I have been working with more experienced chefs lately and it has kind of sparked something in me. A glimmer of what I once felt… They are still passionate about cooking even after so many years and it has been nice to be around others who are still passionate about it.

Food. I am not done with you yet.


100 Days

Weekly 5

I am feeling quite overwhelmed today. I’ve got a lot of things to get done, and on top of that I can’t decide whether it is a good idea or not for me to schedule my personal trainers test before or after surgery. I am finding the time to study nearly impossible.. especially with fulfilling orders and etc for my surgery fund raiser.

I really want to get certified so I can do online training while I am out of work but I am afraid I would fail the test, and then have to fork out another $300 to re-test. I just don’t have that kind of money lying around.

I am 106 days away from surgery. Holy shit.

I’ve beent trying to create a balance of hustle and flow. I think I need a flow week.

Weekly 5

  1. Post another item to ebay. I successfully sold something last week!
  2. Keep putting the word out for wristbands
  3. Stay Positive — work kills my soul.
  4. More sleep
  5. Create a new refreshing living environment. Spring cleaning?
Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I will admit I did pretty good with last weeks weekly 5. Except for the study part. I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to get myself to study I need to put more pressure on myself.. which means setting a test date. It is a lot easier to put something off when there is no deadline. I can’t continue to be so afraid of failure. If I fail, I fail.

The weekly Five

  1. Cut down on protein bars to save $
  2. STUDY
  3. STUDY
  4. Set test date
  5. Sell Wristbands 

I’ve been trying to think of more creative ways to make money to save for surgery. Last week I succesfully posted two items to ebay, and made custom wristbands to sell. If you would like to check them out you can order them here. 

Weekly 5

Asking For Help|Weekly 5

I am officially 4 months away from phalloplasty. When it comes to money, it seems like it is happening very soon, but otherwise it still seems so far away.

This weekend, on top of my already stressed financial state, I received a hospital bill from my hysto I had a year ago. I now have to pay a bill of 1753.55. Sigh.

I think that I might be at the point of needing to ask for help. I am not against GoFundMe pages but I just really wanted to be able to do it on my own.

I’ve been kind of boggling my mind for how else I can save money but I already live paycheck to paycheck as it is. I am beyond stressed and failing at life. It is really hard to push yourself when all you can do most days is survive.

On to the Weekly 5

  1. Track and Monitor spending this week to make further adjustments.
  2. STUDY- I didn’t study at all last week. I need to study in order to do some online training while I am recovering.
  3. STUDY ( yes this takes up two spaces this week ).
  4. Try a go at selling things on Ebay. Post up at least one item. Think of other creative ways to bring in more money.
  5. Ask for help. I am not superman. Yep there it is. I posted my gofundme page. Sigh. Asking for help is hard.



Asking For Help|Weekly 5