The Surface

I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about my relationship with my mother. Things between us are not the greatest. Our relationship was mostly built off fear. My mom isn’t the nurturing type, but I do have to say that at least our relationship has been able to go past just being at surface level.

To a certain extent we get each other. We are both hardcore introverts that are misunderstood by my extroverted Father. We are not like him, but he can’t ever seem to accept that not everyone is like him… and if you are not like him then you are some sort of inferior species.

I was thinking the other day how a lot of my childhood memories involve my mom. Some good, some.. not so good at all, but despite all this I realized that I don’t have a lot of memories with my Dad because he wasn’t really there. He was working most of the time, but even when he was home he was checked out. He was in the garage working on his stained glass, or he was in the yard working on his garden, or his pastels or etc.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy sad and angry about my past with my mom, but I have never truly greived my relationship with my father. He wasn’t there, and he is still not there.

I live in the same house with my Dad still, and our relationship is even more distant than it was when I was a child. I am sure my transition hasn’t been easy for him to deal wtih but its hard sometimes. The only time he talks to me is when he tells me that he sold a painting. “That’s awesome” I will reply.

I feel such a huge tug on my heart to put out more effort into talking to him, to deepening our relationship but at the same time I want nothing more than to be miles and miles away from him. I feel hurt, anger, and fear of rejection. I don’t know that we will ever be close… or that I am strong enough to try to build any sort of relationship at this point.

When I came out to him as trans, the first thing he said to me was “You are going to put yourself in a lot of debt.” He was right, but that about sums up his whole personality. He cares more about money than hapiness or risk. He makes practical decisions, not emotional decisions. The only emotional decision he ever made was marrying my mom and the deepest conversations he ever had with me were how he wanted to leave her.

I never want to sacrifice my happiness for money. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I became a chef. I might not make a lot of money but I get to create, and I get the pleasure or nourishing people.

I can only hope one day that my Dad looks at me the same way he looks at my brother. Of course I want him to be proud of me but at the same time I don’t know how realistic that is and might be better off greiving our relationship rather than continually be let down by some sort unrealistic expectations.

My heart is heavy today.

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The Surface

An Old Friend

I am 64 days out from phalloplasty. I am growing more and more excited. I keep picturing what it is going to feel like to finally look down and see what is supposed to be there. It doesn’t come without sacrafice but it is worth it.

I fear complications of course, but even more so I fear getting my hopes up and having insurance pull some sort of shitty fast one on me when it comes to getting pre-approval. I highly doubt anything like that will happen but I am an anxious person so of course it is in the back of my mind. I tell myself to not worry about that and stop thinking that is going to happen because it is not… but then I think if I stop worrying about it, somehow the world is going to force it to happen because I am not allowed to have something go so smooth without worrying about it first.

My brain works in mysterious ways. My sanity is always in question.

Something happened yesterday that still has me feeling shocked. A friend of mine that I thought I would never see or hear from again texted me out of the clear blue sky.

I was driving home from work and my phone vibrated. I was curious about who might be texting me so I checked, and it was a text from this old friend that said… “Hi” thats it, just…”Hi”. I wondered if she had texted me on accident at first, or if she was drunk… I was hesistant to respond in fear that it was an accident but I just wrote back “Hey whats up” and then she texted “we should reconnect sometime” Still in shock that it was not an accident I said I agreed and that I missed hanging out with her. That was an understatement. I felt really hurt about everything that had happened between us, but I looked up to this person ALOT and had missed her a ton. She was like a big sister to me. My big gay sister.

I am not really sure how to feel about it all still. I can’t forget about the shitty stuff she did, but time has passed and maybe we can start fresh. I would like that at least.. but I guess we will see. I could use a fellow single friend since literally none of my friends are single.

Speaking of being single, I can’t seem to find a relationship that isn’t abusive.

The last person I dated… my friend had to basically slap me in the face and tell me that once again I was in an abusive relationship. Sure it was a much milder case than the previous one but still toxic, and not healthy.

I feel bummed, but deep down I know that now is not a good time to be dating. I have surgery in two months.. I don’t want to start dating someone and then explain what is currently in my pants, and what will potentially be in my pants.

I just hope to meet a girl someday that accepts me for me, is strong, independent, funny, and comfortable in her own skin.

 

 

 

An Old Friend

Love Sick

I’ve been having a tough time lately when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want to be alone, or if I am just scared to fall in love again.

One thing that I haven’t really ever talked about is the fact that I was in love with one of my best friends for years.

I met her in culinary school. We had an instant connection and grew really close. She had a boyfriend at the time, but I waited. We were really flirty with each other and there were definitley times I wondered if maybe she had feelings for me too.

Two years after we met, her and her boyfriend broke up and we ended up moving in together. We also happened to work together after culinary school. I thought that maybe, just maybe, after her and her boyfriend broke up that I had a chance. Maybe she would chose me. I had been in an emotional relationship with her ever since I met her… whether she was aware of it or not. I treated her like someone I was in a relationship with. I bought her things, I did things for her… I was in love. Of course this was not something I told her because I didn’t want to scare her away or end our friendship but she seemed to enjoy every little thoughtful thing I did for her.

Unfortunately after her and her boyfriend broke up, she did not chose me. She chose another guy from work and I was heartbroken. Things were different after that. She didn’t flirt with me as much or give me as much of her time and attention. I get it, this always happens when friends are in new relationships but I was way more devastated considering I wished that she would have chosen me.

I was a mess for awhile after that. I felt stupid for having hope, and felt that I was not enough. I had to see her bring home her new boyfriend every night. He stayed at our place more than he did his own. It was really hard to see. I haven’t really stopped to think about how tough it was. It hurt like hell.

I tried to get rid of the heartache by dating other people… only to also be rejected by the other people I dated. One of my friends advised me to stop flirting with the friend I was in love with, and to stop doing things for her because she was taking advantage of me. So I did. She didn’t seem to like me much after I stopped doing things for her. I think maybe my friend was right. She was taking from me what she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend at the time. I still feel so dumb about this whole situation and it is hard for me to talk about. It wasn’t too long until she told me her and her boyfriend were getting their own place.. I was left to fend for myself. Luckily I found a new roommate but this other roommate happened to be someone that I had dated and had fallen for incredibly fast after playing a ton of games with me she finally ended things because she wasn’t into girls.( this was pre-transition)  I also got to witness this girl bring home boys.. i’ve never felt so shitty in my life.

The only positive that I can think of when I look back on this is that I truly felt something for these girls… and I want to feel that again. However, I am also scared to feel that again because all I have ever known is rejection and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.

 

 

Love Sick

77 Days

I am 77 days from surgery now. The antcipation surely is the worst.

I am feeling a little less anxious about everything. I have had the house to myself for a week and it has been pretty amazing mentally. I also paid of a credit card and it gave me hope that one day I will be out of debt and able to afford my own place. I am a long way off still but there is a one word mantra that has been playing through my head all week. “Patience.”

Time does pass, things continue to move forward. With a little bit of work and a little bit of patience, eventually we do get to where we want to be. It might not be as fast as we want it to happen but the secret is not giving up no matter how much time it takes. Keep going.

I think there is this sense in the world right now that we need to do everything right away and as fast as possible to get everything we ever wanted in life… but the real truth is that all we can do is put in the work but we might not see the benefits for awhile… but that is OK!

One of the biggest reasons I feel so short on time is because I feel like I lost a lot of my life to fear. I feel like my life started after my first shot of testosterone… and now I have to make up for lost time. It often feels like I am doing 100 meter sprints and trying to catch my breath. I am trying to tell myself it is okay to jog. I am not going to miss anything, I am not going to enjoy life anymore by sprinting.

I have had the house to myself this week and it has really brought me some mental clarity. I wish it wasn’t temporary… one day I will move out of my parents house. I think the hardest thing about living with my parents is that they may appear supportive now but they were not always and it is really hard to just forgive and forget. They are still very religious and not only judge being trans but they judge sex, alcohol consumption , me not going to church… etc.

I carry a lot of shame. It makes me tense and allows anxiety to fill my life.

Dating someone while I am living at home is something I have found to be impossible. I don’t like my parents being involved in my dating life, or asking questions or seeing them after having sex. It is too much for me to currenlty handle. After surgery, my biggest focus needs to be moving out of this house so that I can move on with my life and heal from my past.

My mom will be my caretaker after surgery. After much resistence I finally decided to accept this. My mom was abusive to me as a child so it is really really hard to go back into a state of being dependent on her. It quite honestly scares me but I can only hope that this time around it will be different. It just stirs up a lot of feelings for me and I am trying my best to come to terms with these feelings and learn how to move on from them, or to deal with them at best.

The only way I can really get passed some of the abuse from my mom is to have compassion. I know that inside, she is a broken person and that is why she treated me the way she did… but I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and a deep hole in my heart of feeling unloved and unnurtured. –which I think has also led me into abusive relationships in the past.

One day I will find a healthy relationship. One day after I am able to get passed my childhood, my transition, and being able to completley love and accept myself. This year will not only be dedicated to healing physically but emotionally.

 

 

77 Days

84 Days

Time seems to be going by faster and faster. I am 84 days out from bottom surgery. It feels like just yesterday I hit 200 days!

I am excited and also incredibly nervous. I think the hardest part to think about right now is that I will be going at this semi-alone. My mom has offered to come down to surgery with me but I am nervous because she hasn’t really looked too much into what this surgery entails… also, I don’t really want her to see me naked.

I am afriad that my mom seeing my arm or body in such a wrecked state will trigger her, and then in return trigger me. I kind of need someone to lie to me at the time and tell me it doesn’t look so bad. 😛 Having someone else gasp at my arm or my penis is not going to be helpful.

My Mom also hasn’t always been so supportive. I think she has come a long way, but I am nervous to test her supportiveness in such a huge event. I want to be grateful for her willingness to help but I fear being so completely vulnerable around her. I have a hard time being vulnerable around my parents for various reasons so this will be ALOT.

Normally I would opt for my best friend to come with me for surgery. She came with me to my top surgery but now she has a kid and another one on the way. She has her own life now and I am happy for her but I miss how our friendship used to be every damn day. It has changed so much. I guess you could say we were pretty co-dependent on each other… I still depended on her a lot up until I guess she didn’t need to depend on me anymore. She had her family move back from Texas, she had a kid… she has everything she needs..but I still need her and I get sad just thinking about it. I guess you could say we had a weird friendship. We were basically partners without the whole sex part. 😛

I am feeling bummed my best friend won’t be there. I have had another friend offer to be there but she hasn’t always been the best at following through with things. I guess time will tell what happens..but until then, I just have to focus on myself… keep going. I will get through this.

 

 

 

84 Days

Hooky

I stayed home sick today with the flu. In the food world.. this means I don’t want to go to work and if I say I am throwing up… then by law, you can’t make me.

I’ve had a lot on my mind this last week. Donald Trump only being one of the many things running through my mind, and living with parents who voted for him.

Currently I am single. Mostly by choice… I would like to belive that at least, but I can’t help but realize and acknowledge that not a day in the past 3 years has gone by that I haven’t thought about my first girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like I should not be thinking of her at all anymore, but so many things remind me of her on a daily basis. Songs, locations, movies, seasons. etc.

Maybe I think of her so much because I never got any closure. She persued me, told me she loved me, and she was my first sexual experience with a woman. She loved me until she didn’t, and then I never saw her again. ( it is a pretty long story ) I guess it makes more sense that I still get a bit caught up on her. It hurts to think that there is still not a day that passes that I think of her, and she probably never thinks of me at all.

I think she is probably one of the biggest reasons I am currently single. I am afraid to get hurt again. A girl I dated about 2 years ago also hurt me pretty bad. I tend to get hurt bad by the girls who tend to keep their distance, and then I tend to push away other girls who actually like me.

I don’t know what my issue is. All I know is that my first girlfriend fucked me up for a really long time. I still love her, I still think about her and wonder what her life looks like now. I guess if I am honest I do also wonder if she ever thinks about me. Probably not, but hey I can dream.

Hopefully I will find mutual love someday.

 

 

 

 

Hooky

Weekly 5

Last week I made a post called 5%. This post was based off a suggestion from my therapist that I think of ways to improve my life just 5% at a time in order to not feel stuck or overwhlemed. So on that note, here is my weekly 5.

  1. Save another $50
  2. Study for personal training test
  3. Lunges and abs everyday
  4. Commit to a YouTube upload schedule (Tuesdays and Fridays?)
  5. Rest
Weekly 5