An Old Friend

I am 64 days out from phalloplasty. I am growing more and more excited. I keep picturing what it is going to feel like to finally look down and see what is supposed to be there. It doesn’t come without sacrafice but it is worth it.

I fear complications of course, but even more so I fear getting my hopes up and having insurance pull some sort of shitty fast one on me when it comes to getting pre-approval. I highly doubt anything like that will happen but I am an anxious person so of course it is in the back of my mind. I tell myself to not worry about that and stop thinking that is going to happen because it is not… but then I think if I stop worrying about it, somehow the world is going to force it to happen because I am not allowed to have something go so smooth without worrying about it first.

My brain works in mysterious ways. My sanity is always in question.

Something happened yesterday that still has me feeling shocked. A friend of mine that I thought I would never see or hear from again texted me out of the clear blue sky.

I was driving home from work and my phone vibrated. I was curious about who might be texting me so I checked, and it was a text from this old friend that said… “Hi” thats it, just…”Hi”. I wondered if she had texted me on accident at first, or if she was drunk… I was hesistant to respond in fear that it was an accident but I just wrote back “Hey whats up” and then she texted “we should reconnect sometime” Still in shock that it was not an accident I said I agreed and that I missed hanging out with her. That was an understatement. I felt really hurt about everything that had happened between us, but I looked up to this person ALOT and had missed her a ton. She was like a big sister to me. My big gay sister.

I am not really sure how to feel about it all still. I can’t forget about the shitty stuff she did, but time has passed and maybe we can start fresh. I would like that at least.. but I guess we will see. I could use a fellow single friend since literally none of my friends are single.

Speaking of being single, I can’t seem to find a relationship that isn’t abusive.

The last person I dated… my friend had to basically slap me in the face and tell me that once again I was in an abusive relationship. Sure it was a much milder case than the previous one but still toxic, and not healthy.

I feel bummed, but deep down I know that now is not a good time to be dating. I have surgery in two months.. I don’t want to start dating someone and then explain what is currently in my pants, and what will potentially be in my pants.

I just hope to meet a girl someday that accepts me for me, is strong, independent, funny, and comfortable in her own skin.

 

 

 

An Old Friend

83 Days

I am not sure if I am going to write a blog post a day leading up to surgery but that seems to be the case so far.

I am 83 days away from surgery… which is a little under twelve weeks away.

Twelve weeks is the length of an average contest prep for a bodybuilding compeition. Since I don’t get to prep for a competition this year, I am going to use these next 12 weeks to prep for surgery. I figured it will help keep me busy and perhaps even pass time faster.

I will be documenting these next 12 weeks on my YouTube channel, leading up to surgery. The overall goal is to be my healthiest self leading up to the day of surgery, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I will be focusing on overall fitness and even more so on mental health. I am trying to be easy on myself when I feel anxious about surgery. This is a big surgery. I am definitely trying to be positive but realistic at the same time. If I come out of surgery with no compications… then holy hell that will be amazing, but if not then I will try to deal with the complications as they come.

Not being able to go to the gym and feeling like any work I put into the gym is going to go to waste is my biggest mental block right now. I just have to think of it as training for surgery and making the most of the time I have until June 13th. It is funny, the closer I get to June 13th the closer I get to not being able to workout… but from June 13th on… the closer I get to recovery. The anticipation is really the hardest part.

To prepare mentally I want to think of all the things that I want to focus on outside the gym. All the things that I haven’t had time for. This might be photography, writing, reading, and cooking ( other than cooking for meal prep ). I want to do all the things that keep my mind off of working out if that is possible.

It will be really discouraging losing muscle and feeling weak when I finally do get back into the gym… but I am one determined mother fucker. I will get back. Set backs are temporary.

83 Days

Look What I’ve Done

Lately I have been struggling with being a perfectionist. I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. To the point that I let it paralyze me. Sometimes when I create… whether it is a food or a youtube video I have to fight myself even more the next timet to put something out there again in fear that it might not be good, or not better than the last time. I always want to improve.

There are times that I still fear to take risks or do things that I might fail at and have people see it… but then I think back to all that I have done despite of what others thought.

I got divorced, came out, and transitioned. Although it was not completely fearless… I still did it. I’ve been a bit more full of fear lately but then I have to stop and think to myself… Look what i’ve done.

I’ve made great strides in becoming my authentic self. I AM living. And although I struggle with things…I have been able to push through so much. I can’t forget how far I have come.

 

Look What I’ve Done

100 Days

I am officially under 100 days until surgery. 99 days to be exact.That is pretty crazy to think about.

My mind has been a bit full of anxiety. I am scared about having so much time off from the gym but I am trying to think of things I can focus on instead. Writing is one of them… photography, cooking, and YouTube. It is going to be really hard not to fall into a post-op depression. Some of it is probalby unavoidable but I am determined to fight it the best I can.

People keep asking me if I am nervous.

Of course.

I am incredibly nervous. This is a huge surgery. A surgery that rarely occurs without any complications. It is especially hard to go into knowing that. I am going into this surgery trying to think of ways to cope with complications rather than hoping they won’t happen. ( Okay a small part of me is still hoping it won’t happen. )

It is going to be a very strange feeling to go from being so busy to being laid up in bed. Maybe it will give me the time I need to actually stop and think freely, clearly, without all the jumbled stresses of work.

I am having trouble lately with studying for my personal training exam. I can’t seem to get motivated. I don’t think I will be setting the test date until after surgery. I just have too much going on to stress myself out about one more thing.

I’ve been pretty mad at food for a long time now. Thinking about how I followed my passion of cooking and how I feel I will forever be poor because of it.. BUT, I can’t help but still have such a love for it. I am not done with cooking, it just needs a way to be reborn. I have been brainstorming a bit. I guess I will figure that out at some point. As much as I hate the ego of a chef, I have been working with more experienced chefs lately and it has kind of sparked something in me. A glimmer of what I once felt… They are still passionate about cooking even after so many years and it has been nice to be around others who are still passionate about it.

Food. I am not done with you yet.

 

100 Days

Weekly 5

I will admit I did pretty good with last weeks weekly 5. Except for the study part. I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to get myself to study I need to put more pressure on myself.. which means setting a test date. It is a lot easier to put something off when there is no deadline. I can’t continue to be so afraid of failure. If I fail, I fail.

The weekly Five

  1. Cut down on protein bars to save $
  2. STUDY
  3. STUDY
  4. Set test date
  5. Sell Wristbands 

I’ve been trying to think of more creative ways to make money to save for surgery. Last week I succesfully posted two items to ebay, and made custom wristbands to sell. If you would like to check them out you can order them here. 

Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I feel like lately it has been a struggle to do anything but cope. Even small goals feel overwhelming. I feel like I need to escape. Epsecially this house. If there is a God I feel like he is putting me through some sort of cruel and unusual punishment.

I don’t want to admit that I am maybe dealing with real depression.. but I think at this point I am realizing my down days are more often than my good days and I don’t know how to climb myself out of this hole. I just have to try to keep going.

  1. Financial Fitness: Bring my grocery spending down. I spend way too much on food.  This means less kombucha, and protein bars. I spend at leat $7.00 a day on Kombucha and protein bars. That adds up.
  2. Study 30 mins each day.
  3. Run when it is sunny out. ( I am keeping this because it was the only thing I was successful at last week and it makes me feel good )
  4. Write more
  5. Set up my fitness plan going into June. ( Surgery is June 13th)
Weekly 5

Almost There

On Dec. 11th I will be two years on testosterone. I have been thinking about this all week and it kind of blows my mind.

I remember back when I didn’t know if I would ever start T. I was juggling with it so hard and just wished that someone would run by and stab me with a needle haha. I had a lot of fear around starting but finally when I did… they all went away and the more changes I started to see, the more I saw myself in the mirror and the more at peace I became.

The first year on T was filled with physical changes. The man I felt on the inside was finally being revealed on the outside. It was an amazing feeling. I no longer felt invisible.

The second year on T brought less physical changes but I feel as though it was a year of growing into the new body I was living in. It was a year of finding myself and healing from my past. I felt as though I had missed out on so many years of my life and didn’t have anymore time to waste. In the second year, I grew stronger. Not only physically but emotionally.

Sometimes I feel like there is this big black hole in my life. Like I fell into a coma when I was 10 and am just now waking up and am left to pick up where I left off and learn to navigate this life as a man. Like I had to hit the ground running. I missed out on some of my boyhood and I am still grieiving that and making up for lost time.

Being trans sometimes has its frustrations and I would be a liar if I said there were not moments where I didn’t wish I was just born as a cis male. Dealing with surgeries and recovery tends to put me at my weakest points. However, I do have a lot more life experiences than the average cis person. I have seen two worlds without having to travel one mile. I’ve walked this earth as both male and female. Being able to see this world from both genders really gives you a different persepctive than the average person.

Year One: My physical self was revealed.

Year Two: Emotional growth and still on the search to find out who the man I have become truly is.

 

Almost There