I am 64 days out from phalloplasty. I am growing more and more excited. I keep picturing what it is going to feel like to finally look down and see what is supposed to be there. It doesn’t come without sacrafice but it is worth it.
I fear complications of course, but even more so I fear getting my hopes up and having insurance pull some sort of shitty fast one on me when it comes to getting pre-approval. I highly doubt anything like that will happen but I am an anxious person so of course it is in the back of my mind. I tell myself to not worry about that and stop thinking that is going to happen because it is not… but then I think if I stop worrying about it, somehow the world is going to force it to happen because I am not allowed to have something go so smooth without worrying about it first.
My brain works in mysterious ways. My sanity is always in question.
Something happened yesterday that still has me feeling shocked. A friend of mine that I thought I would never see or hear from again texted me out of the clear blue sky.
I was driving home from work and my phone vibrated. I was curious about who might be texting me so I checked, and it was a text from this old friend that said… “Hi” thats it, just…”Hi”. I wondered if she had texted me on accident at first, or if she was drunk… I was hesistant to respond in fear that it was an accident but I just wrote back “Hey whats up” and then she texted “we should reconnect sometime” Still in shock that it was not an accident I said I agreed and that I missed hanging out with her. That was an understatement. I felt really hurt about everything that had happened between us, but I looked up to this person ALOT and had missed her a ton. She was like a big sister to me. My big gay sister.
I am not really sure how to feel about it all still. I can’t forget about the shitty stuff she did, but time has passed and maybe we can start fresh. I would like that at least.. but I guess we will see. I could use a fellow single friend since literally none of my friends are single.
Speaking of being single, I can’t seem to find a relationship that isn’t abusive.
The last person I dated… my friend had to basically slap me in the face and tell me that once again I was in an abusive relationship. Sure it was a much milder case than the previous one but still toxic, and not healthy.
I feel bummed, but deep down I know that now is not a good time to be dating. I have surgery in two months.. I don’t want to start dating someone and then explain what is currently in my pants, and what will potentially be in my pants.
I just hope to meet a girl someday that accepts me for me, is strong, independent, funny, and comfortable in her own skin.