The Surface

I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about my relationship with my mother. Things between us are not the greatest. Our relationship was mostly built off fear. My mom isn’t the nurturing type, but I do have to say that at least our relationship has been able to go past just being at surface level.

To a certain extent we get each other. We are both hardcore introverts that are misunderstood by my extroverted Father. We are not like him, but he can’t ever seem to accept that not everyone is like him… and if you are not like him then you are some sort of inferior species.

I was thinking the other day how a lot of my childhood memories involve my mom. Some good, some.. not so good at all, but despite all this I realized that I don’t have a lot of memories with my Dad because he wasn’t really there. He was working most of the time, but even when he was home he was checked out. He was in the garage working on his stained glass, or he was in the yard working on his garden, or his pastels or etc.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy sad and angry about my past with my mom, but I have never truly greived my relationship with my father. He wasn’t there, and he is still not there.

I live in the same house with my Dad still, and our relationship is even more distant than it was when I was a child. I am sure my transition hasn’t been easy for him to deal wtih but its hard sometimes. The only time he talks to me is when he tells me that he sold a painting. “That’s awesome” I will reply.

I feel such a huge tug on my heart to put out more effort into talking to him, to deepening our relationship but at the same time I want nothing more than to be miles and miles away from him. I feel hurt, anger, and fear of rejection. I don’t know that we will ever be close… or that I am strong enough to try to build any sort of relationship at this point.

When I came out to him as trans, the first thing he said to me was “You are going to put yourself in a lot of debt.” He was right, but that about sums up his whole personality. He cares more about money than hapiness or risk. He makes practical decisions, not emotional decisions. The only emotional decision he ever made was marrying my mom and the deepest conversations he ever had with me were how he wanted to leave her.

I never want to sacrifice my happiness for money. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I became a chef. I might not make a lot of money but I get to create, and I get the pleasure or nourishing people.

I can only hope one day that my Dad looks at me the same way he looks at my brother. Of course I want him to be proud of me but at the same time I don’t know how realistic that is and might be better off greiving our relationship rather than continually be let down by some sort unrealistic expectations.

My heart is heavy today.

The Surface

5%

A few weeks ago I was discussing with my therapist how I felt overwhelmed and stuck in my current situation. Stuck in my job, stuck in my parents house.. stuck being poor.. at least until phalloplasty.

She asked me what I wanted or how I could improve my life. I was immediately overwhwelmed. It was kind of like looking at a large algebra problem. My mind just shut down.

So instead of looking at ALL the things I needed to do to get where I wanted my life, she asked me; how can you make your life just 5% better. Working towards a goal 5% at a time. I thought that was actually a pretty cool concept and it helped me not to feel too overwhelmed.

So on that note: my big goals are mainly to have surgery, move out of this house, get a new job. So how can I get 5% closer to these goals? How can I make my life 5% better this week.

11/20-11/27

  1. Save money – $50 This week
  2. Study for my personal trainers certificate- Get through chapter 5
  3. Legs are lagging still– Squat everyday (even if it is just air squats )
  4. Make it a point to rest. ( watch something on netflix, go to a movie.. go for a walk )
  5. Do something out of my comfort zone.

That is it for this week. 5 things to improve 5% It might sound weird that I need to make it a point to rest but it is true. Whenever I do try to rest I get intense anxiety about all the other things I could be doing instead.

Lets see how this week goes.

 

5%

The Ache

 

Weekends are bittersweet. It is nice not to be working… but being home makes it hard to ignore the deep ache and heavy feeling of shame I feel when I am around my parents.

It really brings my mood down and I can’t find anything to distract me from the ache. I keep wondering… maybe if I talk about it, maybe if I write about it… maybe if I can distract myself, that it will go away…but it won’t.

Every ounce of my body and mind aches. It is so hard to describe and I want so badly for someone to understand or help me get rid of this feeling but I know that isn’t possible. Maybe if I could move out and remove myself from my parents house but I am truly stuck here and knowing that makes me sad, angry, frustrated… and hopeless.

I try to think of ways that I can make more money to move out but I chose the wrong career if I ever wanted to make enough money to live comfortably. I don’t want to be or feel all the negativity I am feeling right now but it is so overwhelming. Maybe writing about it will help flush some of it out.

I get really sad when I think about how hard I work… and how still, my parents refuse to see that, they only see my faults, or just assume the worst about me. I’ve talked and written about this so many times before but not being able to remove myself from the situation makes it SO hard to get past and move on. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve found myself thinking about suicide more than ever. I just feel so much pain while I am in this house I want it to stop. I finally love myself, I love my life, I am incredibly proud of everything I have gotten through but at the same time I feel invnisible to the people who I want to see me the most.

I don’t plan on taking my life, or escaping by means of drugs but my mind certainly likes to think about anything that would take away the pain. I know this will pass, I know that just like everything else that I will get through this, but in this moment it is really fucking hard.

The Ache