An Old Friend

I am 64 days out from phalloplasty. I am growing more and more excited. I keep picturing what it is going to feel like to finally look down and see what is supposed to be there. It doesn’t come without sacrafice but it is worth it.

I fear complications of course, but even more so I fear getting my hopes up and having insurance pull some sort of shitty fast one on me when it comes to getting pre-approval. I highly doubt anything like that will happen but I am an anxious person so of course it is in the back of my mind. I tell myself to not worry about that and stop thinking that is going to happen because it is not… but then I think if I stop worrying about it, somehow the world is going to force it to happen because I am not allowed to have something go so smooth without worrying about it first.

My brain works in mysterious ways. My sanity is always in question.

Something happened yesterday that still has me feeling shocked. A friend of mine that I thought I would never see or hear from again texted me out of the clear blue sky.

I was driving home from work and my phone vibrated. I was curious about who might be texting me so I checked, and it was a text from this old friend that said… “Hi” thats it, just…”Hi”. I wondered if she had texted me on accident at first, or if she was drunk… I was hesistant to respond in fear that it was an accident but I just wrote back “Hey whats up” and then she texted “we should reconnect sometime” Still in shock that it was not an accident I said I agreed and that I missed hanging out with her. That was an understatement. I felt really hurt about everything that had happened between us, but I looked up to this person ALOT and had missed her a ton. She was like a big sister to me. My big gay sister.

I am not really sure how to feel about it all still. I can’t forget about the shitty stuff she did, but time has passed and maybe we can start fresh. I would like that at least.. but I guess we will see. I could use a fellow single friend since literally none of my friends are single.

Speaking of being single, I can’t seem to find a relationship that isn’t abusive.

The last person I dated… my friend had to basically slap me in the face and tell me that once again I was in an abusive relationship. Sure it was a much milder case than the previous one but still toxic, and not healthy.

I feel bummed, but deep down I know that now is not a good time to be dating. I have surgery in two months.. I don’t want to start dating someone and then explain what is currently in my pants, and what will potentially be in my pants.

I just hope to meet a girl someday that accepts me for me, is strong, independent, funny, and comfortable in her own skin.

 

 

 

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An Old Friend

Love Sick

I’ve been having a tough time lately when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want to be alone, or if I am just scared to fall in love again.

One thing that I haven’t really ever talked about is the fact that I was in love with one of my best friends for years.

I met her in culinary school. We had an instant connection and grew really close. She had a boyfriend at the time, but I waited. We were really flirty with each other and there were definitley times I wondered if maybe she had feelings for me too.

Two years after we met, her and her boyfriend broke up and we ended up moving in together. We also happened to work together after culinary school. I thought that maybe, just maybe, after her and her boyfriend broke up that I had a chance. Maybe she would chose me. I had been in an emotional relationship with her ever since I met her… whether she was aware of it or not. I treated her like someone I was in a relationship with. I bought her things, I did things for her… I was in love. Of course this was not something I told her because I didn’t want to scare her away or end our friendship but she seemed to enjoy every little thoughtful thing I did for her.

Unfortunately after her and her boyfriend broke up, she did not chose me. She chose another guy from work and I was heartbroken. Things were different after that. She didn’t flirt with me as much or give me as much of her time and attention. I get it, this always happens when friends are in new relationships but I was way more devastated considering I wished that she would have chosen me.

I was a mess for awhile after that. I felt stupid for having hope, and felt that I was not enough. I had to see her bring home her new boyfriend every night. He stayed at our place more than he did his own. It was really hard to see. I haven’t really stopped to think about how tough it was. It hurt like hell.

I tried to get rid of the heartache by dating other people… only to also be rejected by the other people I dated. One of my friends advised me to stop flirting with the friend I was in love with, and to stop doing things for her because she was taking advantage of me. So I did. She didn’t seem to like me much after I stopped doing things for her. I think maybe my friend was right. She was taking from me what she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend at the time. I still feel so dumb about this whole situation and it is hard for me to talk about. It wasn’t too long until she told me her and her boyfriend were getting their own place.. I was left to fend for myself. Luckily I found a new roommate but this other roommate happened to be someone that I had dated and had fallen for incredibly fast after playing a ton of games with me she finally ended things because she wasn’t into girls.( this was pre-transition)  I also got to witness this girl bring home boys.. i’ve never felt so shitty in my life.

The only positive that I can think of when I look back on this is that I truly felt something for these girls… and I want to feel that again. However, I am also scared to feel that again because all I have ever known is rejection and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.

 

 

Love Sick

77 Days

I am 77 days from surgery now. The antcipation surely is the worst.

I am feeling a little less anxious about everything. I have had the house to myself for a week and it has been pretty amazing mentally. I also paid of a credit card and it gave me hope that one day I will be out of debt and able to afford my own place. I am a long way off still but there is a one word mantra that has been playing through my head all week. “Patience.”

Time does pass, things continue to move forward. With a little bit of work and a little bit of patience, eventually we do get to where we want to be. It might not be as fast as we want it to happen but the secret is not giving up no matter how much time it takes. Keep going.

I think there is this sense in the world right now that we need to do everything right away and as fast as possible to get everything we ever wanted in life… but the real truth is that all we can do is put in the work but we might not see the benefits for awhile… but that is OK!

One of the biggest reasons I feel so short on time is because I feel like I lost a lot of my life to fear. I feel like my life started after my first shot of testosterone… and now I have to make up for lost time. It often feels like I am doing 100 meter sprints and trying to catch my breath. I am trying to tell myself it is okay to jog. I am not going to miss anything, I am not going to enjoy life anymore by sprinting.

I have had the house to myself this week and it has really brought me some mental clarity. I wish it wasn’t temporary… one day I will move out of my parents house. I think the hardest thing about living with my parents is that they may appear supportive now but they were not always and it is really hard to just forgive and forget. They are still very religious and not only judge being trans but they judge sex, alcohol consumption , me not going to church… etc.

I carry a lot of shame. It makes me tense and allows anxiety to fill my life.

Dating someone while I am living at home is something I have found to be impossible. I don’t like my parents being involved in my dating life, or asking questions or seeing them after having sex. It is too much for me to currenlty handle. After surgery, my biggest focus needs to be moving out of this house so that I can move on with my life and heal from my past.

My mom will be my caretaker after surgery. After much resistence I finally decided to accept this. My mom was abusive to me as a child so it is really really hard to go back into a state of being dependent on her. It quite honestly scares me but I can only hope that this time around it will be different. It just stirs up a lot of feelings for me and I am trying my best to come to terms with these feelings and learn how to move on from them, or to deal with them at best.

The only way I can really get passed some of the abuse from my mom is to have compassion. I know that inside, she is a broken person and that is why she treated me the way she did… but I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and a deep hole in my heart of feeling unloved and unnurtured. –which I think has also led me into abusive relationships in the past.

One day I will find a healthy relationship. One day after I am able to get passed my childhood, my transition, and being able to completley love and accept myself. This year will not only be dedicated to healing physically but emotionally.

 

 

77 Days

Weekly 5

I feel like lately it has been a struggle to do anything but cope. Even small goals feel overwhelming. I feel like I need to escape. Epsecially this house. If there is a God I feel like he is putting me through some sort of cruel and unusual punishment.

I don’t want to admit that I am maybe dealing with real depression.. but I think at this point I am realizing my down days are more often than my good days and I don’t know how to climb myself out of this hole. I just have to try to keep going.

  1. Financial Fitness: Bring my grocery spending down. I spend way too much on food.  This means less kombucha, and protein bars. I spend at leat $7.00 a day on Kombucha and protein bars. That adds up.
  2. Study 30 mins each day.
  3. Run when it is sunny out. ( I am keeping this because it was the only thing I was successful at last week and it makes me feel good )
  4. Write more
  5. Set up my fitness plan going into June. ( Surgery is June 13th)
Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I have had the worst time getting myself to study. It has officially been a month since I have been able to crack my books and find the motivation to do so. I think a lot of it has to do with me feeling sad about having to take such a long break from the gym following surgery… but if I want to move on from my job, and onto working for my damn self then I need to study. Work is an area in my life that I am most unhappy. I can’t just sit here waiting for it to change, or just let my life pass me by. Forty hours a week is a lot of time to spend at a place you don’t want to be.

This weeks Weekly 5

  1. Save $50 – in order to keep myself more accountable I am going to withdraw $50 cash each week and put it in a jar. After a month I am going to deposit it into my savings account.
  2. Study… 30 minutes per day. Going lesson by lesson doesn’t seem to be working for me.
  3. Run when it is sunny out. ( 5k in April?)
  4. Be gentle with myself.
  5. Drink more water.

 

 

Weekly 5

Weekly 5

It has been a bit of a weird week. Trump being our new president is still blowing my mind. It is going to be a long four years.

I failed my last weeks weekly 5 pretty miserably… but hey it is a new week right?

  1. Save $50
  2. Study ( I didn’t study at all last week ) just lesson 3. Baby steps.
  3. Youtube Uploads.. taking it down to 2 videos per week so I have enough time to study.
  4. Record workouts
  5. Mind rest

 

My parents have been gone this week and it has allowed me to feel much more relaxed and much less lonely. ( Strange how that works huh?) I think it has made me see just how important it is that I move out of here sooner than later. I can’t seem to move on in life while living under their roof. This means that I really need to study in order for me to reach the goal of moving out so that I can do online personal training on the side. It is vital for me to do in order to earn more money to pay off some bills and move out.

I think I have been so resistent to studying lately because I am afraid to fail. I know, that sounds counter productive… but I am having a hard time believing I could do it. Strange how the brain works sometimes.

I can do this.

 

Weekly 5