Most days I feel like I am younger than I am.. or just lack a lot of life skills that I never learned because I got married at 21 and was always dependent on someone else to take care of “adult” things. Travel, bills, etc. It feels so good to be doing things on my own. I am learning skills I should have obtained years ago, but better late than never.
Originially I was supposed to take this trip to Atlanta with my significant other but it didn’t work out. This left me with a solo trip and a hotel room all to myself. It sounds lonely but I am thoroughly enjoying every moment of it.
The plus side about traveling alone is that all you have to worry about is your own anxiety, needs, and emotions. There is no compromise. If I am tired, I can rest. If I am hungry, I can eat, if I want to work out at 10pm, I can work out at 10pm and not have to ask permission to do so.
Maybe I am meant to be alone afterall. Or maybe I am just completely burned out from failed relationships all through my 20’s. Maybe 30 will turn a new leaf, or maybe 30 will make me realize I would rather be single for life.
I don’t know what the future holds but I do know that I am enjoying the single life for now. I think I will keep it that way for awhile.
It could be that I don’t have to work today… but I am feeling rather at peace this morning. Maybe that says something about just how much my job stresses me out, but I am also feeling more at peace about lower surgery today.
I am worrying less about which surgery to choose and thinking more about using a urinal and being able to take the fear of public restrooms out of my life. I am also worrying less about financial situations even though they are not improving anytime soon.
I think I am feeling more grateful than anything this morning. I have been pretty addicted to this APP called TimeHop and it shows you things you posted on social media all through the years. I have come so far and I am finding a lot of peace in that.
I have a lot of emotions running through me right now. I am feeling grateful for having top surgery, a little sad about some of the friends I have lost, and excited for things I have to look forward to.
I need some more change in my life and I am realizing that if I actually want change to happen I need to take action just as I have in the past.
I am not very good at relationships. Especially right now. Ever since starting T I have been on a pretty focused journey of self discovery which doesn’t make me the greatest partner. Since transition I am less willing to compromise, give up my time, and am continually fighting a battle of feeling bogged down or trapped.
I guess the reality is that you are never trapped but considering my past… this feeling becomes all too real, too fast.
I spent the first 3 years of my twenties married to a guy because it is what I thought was expected of me. It is what I thought I had to do. Growing up in a conservative Christian household can really be a mind fuck. Basically I am finally living my life after so many years of living it for others and it is so scary to think of giving up that freedom. I don’t like asking permission for things and sometimes that is what a relationship entails.. especially the deeper you get into it. Maybe I am over-thinking it, or maybe I shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.
I have moments where I feel really anxious and trapped when I am in a relationship and the only thing that I feel will relieve it is to flee. All my mind wants to do is break up with that person so that I will no longer have to feel the anxiety… but then after doing so I find that is not what I wanted and end up getting back together. This also leads me to look a little crazy when it comes to dating someone.
I guess it is only human to want to protect yourself, and my flight response is STRONG… but I can’t keep doing that. At some point I am either going to have to figure out how to work through the trapped feelings, or flee for good.
There is another thing about being in a relationship that causes a flight response in me and that is emotions. I didn’t see much of them growing up, so seeing them now scares the shit out of me. I don’t know why or what it is that is so scary about emotions but both seeing them and expressing them provokes so much anxiety in me.
I am in flight mode right now but I am trying to figure out how to stop myself or to calm down. Anxiety is such a bitch.