An Old Friend

I am 64 days out from phalloplasty. I am growing more and more excited. I keep picturing what it is going to feel like to finally look down and see what is supposed to be there. It doesn’t come without sacrafice but it is worth it.

I fear complications of course, but even more so I fear getting my hopes up and having insurance pull some sort of shitty fast one on me when it comes to getting pre-approval. I highly doubt anything like that will happen but I am an anxious person so of course it is in the back of my mind. I tell myself to not worry about that and stop thinking that is going to happen because it is not… but then I think if I stop worrying about it, somehow the world is going to force it to happen because I am not allowed to have something go so smooth without worrying about it first.

My brain works in mysterious ways. My sanity is always in question.

Something happened yesterday that still has me feeling shocked. A friend of mine that I thought I would never see or hear from again texted me out of the clear blue sky.

I was driving home from work and my phone vibrated. I was curious about who might be texting me so I checked, and it was a text from this old friend that said… “Hi” thats it, just…”Hi”. I wondered if she had texted me on accident at first, or if she was drunk… I was hesistant to respond in fear that it was an accident but I just wrote back “Hey whats up” and then she texted “we should reconnect sometime” Still in shock that it was not an accident I said I agreed and that I missed hanging out with her. That was an understatement. I felt really hurt about everything that had happened between us, but I looked up to this person ALOT and had missed her a ton. She was like a big sister to me. My big gay sister.

I am not really sure how to feel about it all still. I can’t forget about the shitty stuff she did, but time has passed and maybe we can start fresh. I would like that at least.. but I guess we will see. I could use a fellow single friend since literally none of my friends are single.

Speaking of being single, I can’t seem to find a relationship that isn’t abusive.

The last person I dated… my friend had to basically slap me in the face and tell me that once again I was in an abusive relationship. Sure it was a much milder case than the previous one but still toxic, and not healthy.

I feel bummed, but deep down I know that now is not a good time to be dating. I have surgery in two months.. I don’t want to start dating someone and then explain what is currently in my pants, and what will potentially be in my pants.

I just hope to meet a girl someday that accepts me for me, is strong, independent, funny, and comfortable in her own skin.

 

 

 

An Old Friend

Love Sick

I’ve been having a tough time lately when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want to be alone, or if I am just scared to fall in love again.

One thing that I haven’t really ever talked about is the fact that I was in love with one of my best friends for years.

I met her in culinary school. We had an instant connection and grew really close. She had a boyfriend at the time, but I waited. We were really flirty with each other and there were definitley times I wondered if maybe she had feelings for me too.

Two years after we met, her and her boyfriend broke up and we ended up moving in together. We also happened to work together after culinary school. I thought that maybe, just maybe, after her and her boyfriend broke up that I had a chance. Maybe she would chose me. I had been in an emotional relationship with her ever since I met her… whether she was aware of it or not. I treated her like someone I was in a relationship with. I bought her things, I did things for her… I was in love. Of course this was not something I told her because I didn’t want to scare her away or end our friendship but she seemed to enjoy every little thoughtful thing I did for her.

Unfortunately after her and her boyfriend broke up, she did not chose me. She chose another guy from work and I was heartbroken. Things were different after that. She didn’t flirt with me as much or give me as much of her time and attention. I get it, this always happens when friends are in new relationships but I was way more devastated considering I wished that she would have chosen me.

I was a mess for awhile after that. I felt stupid for having hope, and felt that I was not enough. I had to see her bring home her new boyfriend every night. He stayed at our place more than he did his own. It was really hard to see. I haven’t really stopped to think about how tough it was. It hurt like hell.

I tried to get rid of the heartache by dating other people… only to also be rejected by the other people I dated. One of my friends advised me to stop flirting with the friend I was in love with, and to stop doing things for her because she was taking advantage of me. So I did. She didn’t seem to like me much after I stopped doing things for her. I think maybe my friend was right. She was taking from me what she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend at the time. I still feel so dumb about this whole situation and it is hard for me to talk about. It wasn’t too long until she told me her and her boyfriend were getting their own place.. I was left to fend for myself. Luckily I found a new roommate but this other roommate happened to be someone that I had dated and had fallen for incredibly fast after playing a ton of games with me she finally ended things because she wasn’t into girls.( this was pre-transition)  I also got to witness this girl bring home boys.. i’ve never felt so shitty in my life.

The only positive that I can think of when I look back on this is that I truly felt something for these girls… and I want to feel that again. However, I am also scared to feel that again because all I have ever known is rejection and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.

 

 

Love Sick

Five Years Ago

Five years ago, I met the girl that  became my first love, and first heartbreak. Sometimes I hate myself for even knowing it was five years ago, and for still thinking about her.

I fell hard and fast for her. She lived across the country but I was willing to do whatever it took to be with her, even if it meant moving across the country. To this day I still have thoughts of moving to Washington D.C. or visiting. It was a magical place because it is where I spent the most time with her.

Ever since then, I haven’t been able to commit to a relationship for any longer than a few months. I’ve had a a couple other heartbreaks since then and I feel like the wound of heartbreak just keeps getting deeper and deeper everytime… to the point where it is not able to heal.

I have become pretty cynical when it comes to relationships. I am afraid to love someone again and have it be so one sided. Being single is so much easier and safer.

Who knows if I will ever date again or find someone I am willing to commit to. All I know is that heartbreak sucks and I am not ready to feel that again.

Five Years Ago

Hooky

I stayed home sick today with the flu. In the food world.. this means I don’t want to go to work and if I say I am throwing up… then by law, you can’t make me.

I’ve had a lot on my mind this last week. Donald Trump only being one of the many things running through my mind, and living with parents who voted for him.

Currently I am single. Mostly by choice… I would like to belive that at least, but I can’t help but realize and acknowledge that not a day in the past 3 years has gone by that I haven’t thought about my first girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like I should not be thinking of her at all anymore, but so many things remind me of her on a daily basis. Songs, locations, movies, seasons. etc.

Maybe I think of her so much because I never got any closure. She persued me, told me she loved me, and she was my first sexual experience with a woman. She loved me until she didn’t, and then I never saw her again. ( it is a pretty long story ) I guess it makes more sense that I still get a bit caught up on her. It hurts to think that there is still not a day that passes that I think of her, and she probably never thinks of me at all.

I think she is probably one of the biggest reasons I am currently single. I am afraid to get hurt again. A girl I dated about 2 years ago also hurt me pretty bad. I tend to get hurt bad by the girls who tend to keep their distance, and then I tend to push away other girls who actually like me.

I don’t know what my issue is. All I know is that my first girlfriend fucked me up for a really long time. I still love her, I still think about her and wonder what her life looks like now. I guess if I am honest I do also wonder if she ever thinks about me. Probably not, but hey I can dream.

Hopefully I will find mutual love someday.

 

 

 

 

Hooky

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t cook thanksgiving dinner.. in fact, I spent today completely alone and I enjoyed it. Sometimes I feel like holidays put way too much pressure to hang out with people even if you don’t want to, or even if you don’t particularly like the people you are obligated to hang out with. If people love you, they will hang out with you any day.. it doesn’t have to be a special occasion.

Besides this one, I think that my favorite Thanksgiving was actually spent with my ex girlfriend two years ago. She made me feel very loved and appreciated that day. We also had some really good food and company. I was just starting my transition so I didn’t particularly feel comfortable around my family. She made me feel calm and at home.

I actually have been missing her lately. Things were not always so great between us, but I do feel like she is the last one that may have understood me to a certain extent. She was very smart, and she was beautiful.

We were engaged at one point, but I ended it one night by walking out. We had a lot of good moments. I think we understood each other in a lot of ways that other people did not but there were also times where I felt I was walking on egg shells and was alwayas upsetting her. I began to fear expressing any feelings or thoughts or concerns because I didn’t want to upset her.. and she would get pretty harsh and mean when she was upset.

Sometimes I wonder if things could have been different, or maybe I am just forgetting the bad times. Sometimes I wonder if I cared too much about a certain friends opinion that isn’t even my friend anymore.

I haven’t spoken to her since we broke up, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about her or try to check up on her. Sometimes I feel like reaching out to her, but I feel like I would just make her angry.

She probably thinks I don’t care about her but that is far from the truth. I just wish I could let her know that somehow.

 

Thanksgiving

Love and Fight

I’ve gone through a lot of emotions the past couple of days. I don’t really know what I am feeling anymore. I’ve felt sad, angry, hurt, fearful. Yes. Trump is our next president and I am not happy about it.

People are saying it will be okay, to accept it, to move on… but many of those people don’t understand what it means to be a minority in America, or especially to be a POC or a trans person. Medical care for trans people is so important. Insurance just started covering trans surgeries and hormones. What if that all just takes a huge step back.

I don’t really feel like talking about it all honestly. Hopefully we can all come together and keep loving and fighting for what is right just as we always have.

Love and Fight

The Ache

 

Weekends are bittersweet. It is nice not to be working… but being home makes it hard to ignore the deep ache and heavy feeling of shame I feel when I am around my parents.

It really brings my mood down and I can’t find anything to distract me from the ache. I keep wondering… maybe if I talk about it, maybe if I write about it… maybe if I can distract myself, that it will go away…but it won’t.

Every ounce of my body and mind aches. It is so hard to describe and I want so badly for someone to understand or help me get rid of this feeling but I know that isn’t possible. Maybe if I could move out and remove myself from my parents house but I am truly stuck here and knowing that makes me sad, angry, frustrated… and hopeless.

I try to think of ways that I can make more money to move out but I chose the wrong career if I ever wanted to make enough money to live comfortably. I don’t want to be or feel all the negativity I am feeling right now but it is so overwhelming. Maybe writing about it will help flush some of it out.

I get really sad when I think about how hard I work… and how still, my parents refuse to see that, they only see my faults, or just assume the worst about me. I’ve talked and written about this so many times before but not being able to remove myself from the situation makes it SO hard to get past and move on. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve found myself thinking about suicide more than ever. I just feel so much pain while I am in this house I want it to stop. I finally love myself, I love my life, I am incredibly proud of everything I have gotten through but at the same time I feel invnisible to the people who I want to see me the most.

I don’t plan on taking my life, or escaping by means of drugs but my mind certainly likes to think about anything that would take away the pain. I know this will pass, I know that just like everything else that I will get through this, but in this moment it is really fucking hard.

The Ache