Brain Noise

My brain has been pretty noisy lately. I haven’t been able to write much or come to terms with many of my thoughts but I guess I should write before my head explodes. I have been dealing with complication after complication post- phalloplasty so I just have reached the height of my frustration and depression.  Yea that is right, I said it. I am depressed.

I have been dealing with fistulas, which finally seem to be improving but now that I am able to try to pee I have learned that I can’t empty my bladder completely and may have a stricture. My stream has also changed from an actual stream to a spraying mess like a garden hose with a finger over the opening. I am trying my hardest to be able to cope, but it is hard to cope when your usual coping methods are not something you are able to do. I am starting to almost feel like I might be able to do some light workouts but I am feeling nervous about going to the gym with a messed up arm and a catheter… and lets be real my ego is getting in the way of me only being able to lift light. My wrist still has very little mobility so I am not sure how well I would be able to lift, but I think I might be able to use some of the machines.

Surgery aside, I am having some anxiety regarding work which is pretty normal when I am planning to return after surgery. I guess with each surgery I have a small hope I won’t have to return. I always end up having to return.

I am especially frustrated with myself this time because I feel so tired of my job, so burned out and so cynical when it comes to the food industry. It makes me sad when I think that my passion for cooking has died. Maybe there is a chance for it to come back but right now I am just so angry at it. I am tired of being poor, and tired of struggling and I know being trans hand having surgery each year plays a role in that as well but… I feel like if I am going to be poor I want to do something that I am passionate about and worth being poor for. Then of course there is always the hope that somehow, at some point in my life I will make enough money to function like a normal human being. I am so frustrated with where I am at in life some days my brain just shuts down.

I am a strong believer in people having a lot more control over their lives than they might think. If I want my life to be different, I need to take action and put in the work to change it… its just the work that feels so overwhelming to me right now. Surgery has really thrown me for a loop. I don’t know how to function when I don’t have my routine.

Maybe I can still have hope I don’t have a stricture. Maybe one day I will feel back to normal. I just have to keep going, but that is really fucking tough right now.

Brain Noise

Never Ending

Surgery can be such a strange bittersweet thing when you are trans. You go into a hopsital feeling healthy but icomplete, then come out in pain yet feeling complete. Of course, the pain is temporary but with this surgery it sure doesn’t feel temporary. This has been the longest recovery I have experienced.

Considering what could go wrong, I guess I feel like I have had a pretty smooth ride so far, but I am having problems with fistulas opening up and leaking/bleeding. I have one stubborn fistula that doesn’t want to close despite Dr.Chen saying it would within a week or two. It has been a week or two.

It is not his fault. Obviously bodies are different and complicated in their own way. This isn’t as much of a routine surgery. There is so much going on and healing really does take time. I am usually a fast healer and kind of thought that maybe it would be the same for this surgery but I was wrong. There is nothing fast about healing when it comes to this surgery and perhaps it is my fault for thinking I would heal as quick as I usually do. I am sure my body is quite confused about what it just went though. So on that note, thank you body for enduring this surgery to fix something that should have been all along.

On top of a few fistulas, one which seems to constantly be bleeding, I noticed I was bleeding a bit from my vaginectomy site last night. It is not a huge bleed but just a little… Dr.Chen said if the bleeding is a constant drip to go to the ER, but if it is not I should hold pressure on it until it stops.

The amount of things that can go wrong even a month post-op is definitely not something I anticipated. I haven’t had any issues with my vaginectomy site as of yet so was feeling pretty grateful that everything was going okay there… BUT well, now I will be keeping tabs on that as well.

I have my next post-op appointment on Thursday so hopefully nothing too serious happens between then and now. I don’t know how much more I can take going wrong in one week. I just want my dick to heal so I can get back to normal life and not lose my job.

This is all happening for a reason, whether I know the reason now or not… but one day I will look back and know why, of course I know it will make me stronger in the end.



Never Ending

The Surface

I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about my relationship with my mother. Things between us are not the greatest. Our relationship was mostly built off fear. My mom isn’t the nurturing type, but I do have to say that at least our relationship has been able to go past just being at surface level.

To a certain extent we get each other. We are both hardcore introverts that are misunderstood by my extroverted Father. We are not like him, but he can’t ever seem to accept that not everyone is like him… and if you are not like him then you are some sort of inferior species.

I was thinking the other day how a lot of my childhood memories involve my mom. Some good, some.. not so good at all, but despite all this I realized that I don’t have a lot of memories with my Dad because he wasn’t really there. He was working most of the time, but even when he was home he was checked out. He was in the garage working on his stained glass, or he was in the yard working on his garden, or his pastels or etc.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy sad and angry about my past with my mom, but I have never truly greived my relationship with my father. He wasn’t there, and he is still not there.

I live in the same house with my Dad still, and our relationship is even more distant than it was when I was a child. I am sure my transition hasn’t been easy for him to deal wtih but its hard sometimes. The only time he talks to me is when he tells me that he sold a painting. “That’s awesome” I will reply.

I feel such a huge tug on my heart to put out more effort into talking to him, to deepening our relationship but at the same time I want nothing more than to be miles and miles away from him. I feel hurt, anger, and fear of rejection. I don’t know that we will ever be close… or that I am strong enough to try to build any sort of relationship at this point.

When I came out to him as trans, the first thing he said to me was “You are going to put yourself in a lot of debt.” He was right, but that about sums up his whole personality. He cares more about money than hapiness or risk. He makes practical decisions, not emotional decisions. The only emotional decision he ever made was marrying my mom and the deepest conversations he ever had with me were how he wanted to leave her.

I never want to sacrifice my happiness for money. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I became a chef. I might not make a lot of money but I get to create, and I get the pleasure or nourishing people.

I can only hope one day that my Dad looks at me the same way he looks at my brother. Of course I want him to be proud of me but at the same time I don’t know how realistic that is and might be better off greiving our relationship rather than continually be let down by some sort unrealistic expectations.

My heart is heavy today.

The Surface

Is It Even Happening?

I have been having some insurance issues.

Two months away from surgery, insurance issues are not something that I want to be having.

Dr. Chen’s office doesn’t submit for pre-approval to your insurance until about 30 days out. They are backlogged and I may not know if I am actually approved until pretty close to my sugery date. This leaves me feeling incredibly anxious.

I can only assume that everything is going to be okay but just in case, I contacted Chens office. The insurance people told me that I needed my primary care physician to send in a more current referral in order for them to submit to my insurance for pre-approval… okay, this would have been good to know and how is it that TWO months before surgery, they need a referral? I already had one but I guess they needed a more current one.

I immediately emailed my doctor to ask for her to send in a referral. She responded pretty quickly and sent in a referral for me but I did notice that the referral just said “General Surgery”. I immediately had my doubts that the referral was done correctly but I didn’t want to question her and just waited it out. Two weeks later and I noticed the referral says closed.

I don’t think my doctors office sent the referral correctly for one, but secondly… why does Chens office need a referral two months out and is this going to delay my approval process?

I am hitting that point in time where I need to talk to my work and let people know that I may be on leave for 12 weeks.

I also emailed Chens office to get a Doctors letter for medical leave.. I am still waiting on that as well.

I am trying to be patient but anxiety makes it really hard. It drives me crazy when there are so many things that are not set in stone. I don’t want to get my hopes up and then have something happen. My hopes are already up so if for some reason I can’t have surgery… this will be devastating.

I am trying not to think about the worst case scenario.

I wish it would all just go smooth for once.

Is It Even Happening?

An Old Friend

I am 64 days out from phalloplasty. I am growing more and more excited. I keep picturing what it is going to feel like to finally look down and see what is supposed to be there. It doesn’t come without sacrafice but it is worth it.

I fear complications of course, but even more so I fear getting my hopes up and having insurance pull some sort of shitty fast one on me when it comes to getting pre-approval. I highly doubt anything like that will happen but I am an anxious person so of course it is in the back of my mind. I tell myself to not worry about that and stop thinking that is going to happen because it is not… but then I think if I stop worrying about it, somehow the world is going to force it to happen because I am not allowed to have something go so smooth without worrying about it first.

My brain works in mysterious ways. My sanity is always in question.

Something happened yesterday that still has me feeling shocked. A friend of mine that I thought I would never see or hear from again texted me out of the clear blue sky.

I was driving home from work and my phone vibrated. I was curious about who might be texting me so I checked, and it was a text from this old friend that said… “Hi” thats it, just…”Hi”. I wondered if she had texted me on accident at first, or if she was drunk… I was hesistant to respond in fear that it was an accident but I just wrote back “Hey whats up” and then she texted “we should reconnect sometime” Still in shock that it was not an accident I said I agreed and that I missed hanging out with her. That was an understatement. I felt really hurt about everything that had happened between us, but I looked up to this person ALOT and had missed her a ton. She was like a big sister to me. My big gay sister.

I am not really sure how to feel about it all still. I can’t forget about the shitty stuff she did, but time has passed and maybe we can start fresh. I would like that at least.. but I guess we will see. I could use a fellow single friend since literally none of my friends are single.

Speaking of being single, I can’t seem to find a relationship that isn’t abusive.

The last person I dated… my friend had to basically slap me in the face and tell me that once again I was in an abusive relationship. Sure it was a much milder case than the previous one but still toxic, and not healthy.

I feel bummed, but deep down I know that now is not a good time to be dating. I have surgery in two months.. I don’t want to start dating someone and then explain what is currently in my pants, and what will potentially be in my pants.

I just hope to meet a girl someday that accepts me for me, is strong, independent, funny, and comfortable in her own skin.




An Old Friend

Weekly 5

I have had a lot anxiety this week. I kind of went from a getting shit done mode to coping mode.. but nonetheless I will carry on. I am 70 days away from phalloplasty. I have gotten a little caught up in the possibility of having complications and losing my job and not being able to complete my stage two surgery. Losing my job would mean losing my insurance and leaving me with a forever flaccid penis. Karma? Maybe.

This weeks weekly 5

  1. Wristbands ive got some more to send out.
  2. vlog I did not do this last week.
  3. Squat 3x
  4. Up my cardio to at least 30 mins a day.
  5. Write down the positive things I did each day that I am even remotely proud of.


Weekly 5

Love Sick

I’ve been having a tough time lately when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want to be alone, or if I am just scared to fall in love again.

One thing that I haven’t really ever talked about is the fact that I was in love with one of my best friends for years.

I met her in culinary school. We had an instant connection and grew really close. She had a boyfriend at the time, but I waited. We were really flirty with each other and there were definitley times I wondered if maybe she had feelings for me too.

Two years after we met, her and her boyfriend broke up and we ended up moving in together. We also happened to work together after culinary school. I thought that maybe, just maybe, after her and her boyfriend broke up that I had a chance. Maybe she would chose me. I had been in an emotional relationship with her ever since I met her… whether she was aware of it or not. I treated her like someone I was in a relationship with. I bought her things, I did things for her… I was in love. Of course this was not something I told her because I didn’t want to scare her away or end our friendship but she seemed to enjoy every little thoughtful thing I did for her.

Unfortunately after her and her boyfriend broke up, she did not chose me. She chose another guy from work and I was heartbroken. Things were different after that. She didn’t flirt with me as much or give me as much of her time and attention. I get it, this always happens when friends are in new relationships but I was way more devastated considering I wished that she would have chosen me.

I was a mess for awhile after that. I felt stupid for having hope, and felt that I was not enough. I had to see her bring home her new boyfriend every night. He stayed at our place more than he did his own. It was really hard to see. I haven’t really stopped to think about how tough it was. It hurt like hell.

I tried to get rid of the heartache by dating other people… only to also be rejected by the other people I dated. One of my friends advised me to stop flirting with the friend I was in love with, and to stop doing things for her because she was taking advantage of me. So I did. She didn’t seem to like me much after I stopped doing things for her. I think maybe my friend was right. She was taking from me what she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend at the time. I still feel so dumb about this whole situation and it is hard for me to talk about. It wasn’t too long until she told me her and her boyfriend were getting their own place.. I was left to fend for myself. Luckily I found a new roommate but this other roommate happened to be someone that I had dated and had fallen for incredibly fast after playing a ton of games with me she finally ended things because she wasn’t into girls.( this was pre-transition)  I also got to witness this girl bring home boys.. i’ve never felt so shitty in my life.

The only positive that I can think of when I look back on this is that I truly felt something for these girls… and I want to feel that again. However, I am also scared to feel that again because all I have ever known is rejection and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.



Love Sick