I have not written on here in awhile. Mostly because I have been blogging more publicly on tumblr, and also because I haven’t really been able to type since surgery up until the past couple of days. It feels good to be able to type again and get some thoughts out! I think it is important I keep writing out my thoughts or else things tend to just get bottled up.
So, I had phalloplasty a little over 3 weeks ago now. I’ve had some tough moments where I felt I would never heal or feel normal again but I feel like I might finally be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. My arm is improving, and so is my pain. I still have my catheter in and haven’t peed out my penis yet but I am supposed to attempt peeing on monday in hopes of getting the catheter out on Thursday. It all depends on if I have any leakage or not.. we will see I suppose!
It has been the hardest not to be able to go to the gym like I am used to. Or drive yet or etc. Things will ge easier as I get more independent. I am slowly healing.
I have been thinking a lot about what I might do now that I have this first major surgery out of the way. I am honestly undecided on whether I will have stage 2 surgery. I still have to have my glansplasty done but I am pretty burned out on surgeries. I guess I will have to recover from this first surgery first to truly decide on that… but I do feel that I can maybe finally start saving for other things other than just another surgery. I can start paying off my bills and saving to move out. That would be nice… to finally be able to afford to live on my own.
I would also like a career change… I deam of working for myself, but I don’t exatly know what that looks like or what I would do. I could do personal training or cooking… but I just don’t know how realistic or sustainable these things could be or maybe I am just scared. It is hard to visualize what my next move is. All I know is that I will need a change at some point. I have a lot of time to think at the moment, but I am also finding it hard to focus.
Part of me is excited to think I could use this time to gain knowledge and study for my personal trainers certificarted, then part of me doesn’t want to think about fitness because I can’t workout right now and it makes me sad. recovery is such a weird fucking process.
However I do feel motivated to make a fitness comback. I’ve lost 10 lbs of muscle already. One month down of absolutely no working out. I’ve never gone this long without working out! When I had top surgery I still did legs, when I had my hysto, I was lifting light again 2 weeks post-op. The more manageable my pain gets the more antsy I get.
I have had a lot anxiety this week. I kind of went from a getting shit done mode to coping mode.. but nonetheless I will carry on. I am 70 days away from phalloplasty. I have gotten a little caught up in the possibility of having complications and losing my job and not being able to complete my stage two surgery. Losing my job would mean losing my insurance and leaving me with a forever flaccid penis. Karma? Maybe.
This weeks weekly 5
- Wristbands ive got some more to send out.
- vlog I did not do this last week.
- Squat 3x
- Up my cardio to at least 30 mins a day.
- Write down the positive things I did each day that I am even remotely proud of.
Lately I have been struggling with being a perfectionist. I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. To the point that I let it paralyze me. Sometimes when I create… whether it is a food or a youtube video I have to fight myself even more the next timet to put something out there again in fear that it might not be good, or not better than the last time. I always want to improve.
There are times that I still fear to take risks or do things that I might fail at and have people see it… but then I think back to all that I have done despite of what others thought.
I got divorced, came out, and transitioned. Although it was not completely fearless… I still did it. I’ve been a bit more full of fear lately but then I have to stop and think to myself… Look what i’ve done.
I’ve made great strides in becoming my authentic self. I AM living. And although I struggle with things…I have been able to push through so much. I can’t forget how far I have come.
I am officially under 100 days until surgery. 99 days to be exact.That is pretty crazy to think about.
My mind has been a bit full of anxiety. I am scared about having so much time off from the gym but I am trying to think of things I can focus on instead. Writing is one of them… photography, cooking, and YouTube. It is going to be really hard not to fall into a post-op depression. Some of it is probalby unavoidable but I am determined to fight it the best I can.
People keep asking me if I am nervous.
I am incredibly nervous. This is a huge surgery. A surgery that rarely occurs without any complications. It is especially hard to go into knowing that. I am going into this surgery trying to think of ways to cope with complications rather than hoping they won’t happen. ( Okay a small part of me is still hoping it won’t happen. )
It is going to be a very strange feeling to go from being so busy to being laid up in bed. Maybe it will give me the time I need to actually stop and think freely, clearly, without all the jumbled stresses of work.
I am having trouble lately with studying for my personal training exam. I can’t seem to get motivated. I don’t think I will be setting the test date until after surgery. I just have too much going on to stress myself out about one more thing.
I’ve been pretty mad at food for a long time now. Thinking about how I followed my passion of cooking and how I feel I will forever be poor because of it.. BUT, I can’t help but still have such a love for it. I am not done with cooking, it just needs a way to be reborn. I have been brainstorming a bit. I guess I will figure that out at some point. As much as I hate the ego of a chef, I have been working with more experienced chefs lately and it has kind of sparked something in me. A glimmer of what I once felt… They are still passionate about cooking even after so many years and it has been nice to be around others who are still passionate about it.
Food. I am not done with you yet.
I am feeling quite overwhelmed today. I’ve got a lot of things to get done, and on top of that I can’t decide whether it is a good idea or not for me to schedule my personal trainers test before or after surgery. I am finding the time to study nearly impossible.. especially with fulfilling orders and etc for my surgery fund raiser.
I really want to get certified so I can do online training while I am out of work but I am afraid I would fail the test, and then have to fork out another $300 to re-test. I just don’t have that kind of money lying around.
I am 106 days away from surgery. Holy shit.
I’ve beent trying to create a balance of hustle and flow. I think I need a flow week.
- Post another item to ebay. I successfully sold something last week!
- Keep putting the word out for wristbands
- Stay Positive — work kills my soul.
- More sleep
- Create a new refreshing living environment. Spring cleaning?
Five years ago, I met the girl that became my first love, and first heartbreak. Sometimes I hate myself for even knowing it was five years ago, and for still thinking about her.
I fell hard and fast for her. She lived across the country but I was willing to do whatever it took to be with her, even if it meant moving across the country. To this day I still have thoughts of moving to Washington D.C. or visiting. It was a magical place because it is where I spent the most time with her.
Ever since then, I haven’t been able to commit to a relationship for any longer than a few months. I’ve had a a couple other heartbreaks since then and I feel like the wound of heartbreak just keeps getting deeper and deeper everytime… to the point where it is not able to heal.
I have become pretty cynical when it comes to relationships. I am afraid to love someone again and have it be so one sided. Being single is so much easier and safer.
Who knows if I will ever date again or find someone I am willing to commit to. All I know is that heartbreak sucks and I am not ready to feel that again.
I feel like lately it has been a struggle to do anything but cope. Even small goals feel overwhelming. I feel like I need to escape. Epsecially this house. If there is a God I feel like he is putting me through some sort of cruel and unusual punishment.
I don’t want to admit that I am maybe dealing with real depression.. but I think at this point I am realizing my down days are more often than my good days and I don’t know how to climb myself out of this hole. I just have to try to keep going.
- Financial Fitness: Bring my grocery spending down. I spend way too much on food. This means less kombucha, and protein bars. I spend at leat $7.00 a day on Kombucha and protein bars. That adds up.
- Study 30 mins each day.
- Run when it is sunny out. ( I am keeping this because it was the only thing I was successful at last week and it makes me feel good )
- Write more
- Set up my fitness plan going into June. ( Surgery is June 13th)