Is It Even Happening?

I have been having some insurance issues.

Two months away from surgery, insurance issues are not something that I want to be having.

Dr. Chen’s office doesn’t submit for pre-approval to your insurance until about 30 days out. They are backlogged and I may not know if I am actually approved until pretty close to my sugery date. This leaves me feeling incredibly anxious.

I can only assume that everything is going to be okay but just in case, I contacted Chens office. The insurance people told me that I needed my primary care physician to send in a more current referral in order for them to submit to my insurance for pre-approval… okay, this would have been good to know and how is it that TWO months before surgery, they need a referral? I already had one but I guess they needed a more current one.

I immediately emailed my doctor to ask for her to send in a referral. She responded pretty quickly and sent in a referral for me but I did notice that the referral just said “General Surgery”. I immediately had my doubts that the referral was done correctly but I didn’t want to question her and just waited it out. Two weeks later and I noticed the referral says closed.

I don’t think my doctors office sent the referral correctly for one, but secondly… why does Chens office need a referral two months out and is this going to delay my approval process?

I am hitting that point in time where I need to talk to my work and let people know that I may be on leave for 12 weeks.

I also emailed Chens office to get a Doctors letter for medical leave.. I am still waiting on that as well.

I am trying to be patient but anxiety makes it really hard. It drives me crazy when there are so many things that are not set in stone. I don’t want to get my hopes up and then have something happen. My hopes are already up so if for some reason I can’t have surgery… this will be devastating.

I am trying not to think about the worst case scenario.

I wish it would all just go smooth for once.

Is It Even Happening?

Weekly 5

I haven’t done one of these in a bit. I was feeling slightly bored by them and also slightly overwhelmed by the disappointment in myself if I didn’t get achieve my weekly goals. BUT, I paid off a credit card recently and it showed me that moving forward and setting goals does get you somewhere.

Weekly 5

  1. Wristbands
  2. Vlog
  3. Squat 3 times this week
  4. Run when its sunny
  5. Relax – Netflix suggestions please?

 

Weekly 5

77 Days

I am 77 days from surgery now. The antcipation surely is the worst.

I am feeling a little less anxious about everything. I have had the house to myself for a week and it has been pretty amazing mentally. I also paid of a credit card and it gave me hope that one day I will be out of debt and able to afford my own place. I am a long way off still but there is a one word mantra that has been playing through my head all week. “Patience.”

Time does pass, things continue to move forward. With a little bit of work and a little bit of patience, eventually we do get to where we want to be. It might not be as fast as we want it to happen but the secret is not giving up no matter how much time it takes. Keep going.

I think there is this sense in the world right now that we need to do everything right away and as fast as possible to get everything we ever wanted in life… but the real truth is that all we can do is put in the work but we might not see the benefits for awhile… but that is OK!

One of the biggest reasons I feel so short on time is because I feel like I lost a lot of my life to fear. I feel like my life started after my first shot of testosterone… and now I have to make up for lost time. It often feels like I am doing 100 meter sprints and trying to catch my breath. I am trying to tell myself it is okay to jog. I am not going to miss anything, I am not going to enjoy life anymore by sprinting.

I have had the house to myself this week and it has really brought me some mental clarity. I wish it wasn’t temporary… one day I will move out of my parents house. I think the hardest thing about living with my parents is that they may appear supportive now but they were not always and it is really hard to just forgive and forget. They are still very religious and not only judge being trans but they judge sex, alcohol consumption , me not going to church… etc.

I carry a lot of shame. It makes me tense and allows anxiety to fill my life.

Dating someone while I am living at home is something I have found to be impossible. I don’t like my parents being involved in my dating life, or asking questions or seeing them after having sex. It is too much for me to currenlty handle. After surgery, my biggest focus needs to be moving out of this house so that I can move on with my life and heal from my past.

My mom will be my caretaker after surgery. After much resistence I finally decided to accept this. My mom was abusive to me as a child so it is really really hard to go back into a state of being dependent on her. It quite honestly scares me but I can only hope that this time around it will be different. It just stirs up a lot of feelings for me and I am trying my best to come to terms with these feelings and learn how to move on from them, or to deal with them at best.

The only way I can really get passed some of the abuse from my mom is to have compassion. I know that inside, she is a broken person and that is why she treated me the way she did… but I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and a deep hole in my heart of feeling unloved and unnurtured. –which I think has also led me into abusive relationships in the past.

One day I will find a healthy relationship. One day after I am able to get passed my childhood, my transition, and being able to completley love and accept myself. This year will not only be dedicated to healing physically but emotionally.

 

 

77 Days

83 Days

I am not sure if I am going to write a blog post a day leading up to surgery but that seems to be the case so far.

I am 83 days away from surgery… which is a little under twelve weeks away.

Twelve weeks is the length of an average contest prep for a bodybuilding compeition. Since I don’t get to prep for a competition this year, I am going to use these next 12 weeks to prep for surgery. I figured it will help keep me busy and perhaps even pass time faster.

I will be documenting these next 12 weeks on my YouTube channel, leading up to surgery. The overall goal is to be my healthiest self leading up to the day of surgery, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I will be focusing on overall fitness and even more so on mental health. I am trying to be easy on myself when I feel anxious about surgery. This is a big surgery. I am definitely trying to be positive but realistic at the same time. If I come out of surgery with no compications… then holy hell that will be amazing, but if not then I will try to deal with the complications as they come.

Not being able to go to the gym and feeling like any work I put into the gym is going to go to waste is my biggest mental block right now. I just have to think of it as training for surgery and making the most of the time I have until June 13th. It is funny, the closer I get to June 13th the closer I get to not being able to workout… but from June 13th on… the closer I get to recovery. The anticipation is really the hardest part.

To prepare mentally I want to think of all the things that I want to focus on outside the gym. All the things that I haven’t had time for. This might be photography, writing, reading, and cooking ( other than cooking for meal prep ). I want to do all the things that keep my mind off of working out if that is possible.

It will be really discouraging losing muscle and feeling weak when I finally do get back into the gym… but I am one determined mother fucker. I will get back. Set backs are temporary.

83 Days

84 Days

Time seems to be going by faster and faster. I am 84 days out from bottom surgery. It feels like just yesterday I hit 200 days!

I am excited and also incredibly nervous. I think the hardest part to think about right now is that I will be going at this semi-alone. My mom has offered to come down to surgery with me but I am nervous because she hasn’t really looked too much into what this surgery entails… also, I don’t really want her to see me naked.

I am afriad that my mom seeing my arm or body in such a wrecked state will trigger her, and then in return trigger me. I kind of need someone to lie to me at the time and tell me it doesn’t look so bad. 😛 Having someone else gasp at my arm or my penis is not going to be helpful.

My Mom also hasn’t always been so supportive. I think she has come a long way, but I am nervous to test her supportiveness in such a huge event. I want to be grateful for her willingness to help but I fear being so completely vulnerable around her. I have a hard time being vulnerable around my parents for various reasons so this will be ALOT.

Normally I would opt for my best friend to come with me for surgery. She came with me to my top surgery but now she has a kid and another one on the way. She has her own life now and I am happy for her but I miss how our friendship used to be every damn day. It has changed so much. I guess you could say we were pretty co-dependent on each other… I still depended on her a lot up until I guess she didn’t need to depend on me anymore. She had her family move back from Texas, she had a kid… she has everything she needs..but I still need her and I get sad just thinking about it. I guess you could say we had a weird friendship. We were basically partners without the whole sex part. 😛

I am feeling bummed my best friend won’t be there. I have had another friend offer to be there but she hasn’t always been the best at following through with things. I guess time will tell what happens..but until then, I just have to focus on myself… keep going. I will get through this.

 

 

 

84 Days

Look What I’ve Done

Lately I have been struggling with being a perfectionist. I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. To the point that I let it paralyze me. Sometimes when I create… whether it is a food or a youtube video I have to fight myself even more the next timet to put something out there again in fear that it might not be good, or not better than the last time. I always want to improve.

There are times that I still fear to take risks or do things that I might fail at and have people see it… but then I think back to all that I have done despite of what others thought.

I got divorced, came out, and transitioned. Although it was not completely fearless… I still did it. I’ve been a bit more full of fear lately but then I have to stop and think to myself… Look what i’ve done.

I’ve made great strides in becoming my authentic self. I AM living. And although I struggle with things…I have been able to push through so much. I can’t forget how far I have come.

 

Look What I’ve Done

Weekly 5

It is the start of another week and I am filled with the usual dread of the work week. I definitely need a job change. At least hating my job is one consistent feeling in my life.

I think the biggest part about hating my job is feeling disappointed in myself. I had big hopes and dreams for my culinary career but I feel as though I am playing it safe. Stability is something I needed and that was my main reason for getting into this job…but if I want to actually create, I have to do that outside of work but lately I have found myself too exhausted. I guess that could be a reason I am feeling a little less myself.

Cooking for people has always been a way for me to communicate or show my love. I need this back in my life, I need to give more, and I need to create more.

I have also officially decided to set my personal training test AFTER surgery in order not to stress myself out more. I just want to be as healthy as possible going into surgery and give myself more time to study when I will be laid up. It will give me something to do 🙂

This weeks weekly 5

  1. sell/send out wristbands.
  2. Ebay
  3. Up my Cardio
  4. More sleep
  5. Stop letting perfection paralyze me.

 

Weekly 5