Is It Even Happening?

I have been having some insurance issues.

Two months away from surgery, insurance issues are not something that I want to be having.

Dr. Chen’s office doesn’t submit for pre-approval to your insurance until about 30 days out. They are backlogged and I may not know if I am actually approved until pretty close to my sugery date. This leaves me feeling incredibly anxious.

I can only assume that everything is going to be okay but just in case, I contacted Chens office. The insurance people told me that I needed my primary care physician to send in a more current referral in order for them to submit to my insurance for pre-approval… okay, this would have been good to know and how is it that TWO months before surgery, they need a referral? I already had one but I guess they needed a more current one.

I immediately emailed my doctor to ask for her to send in a referral. She responded pretty quickly and sent in a referral for me but I did notice that the referral just said “General Surgery”. I immediately had my doubts that the referral was done correctly but I didn’t want to question her and just waited it out. Two weeks later and I noticed the referral says closed.

I don’t think my doctors office sent the referral correctly for one, but secondly… why does Chens office need a referral two months out and is this going to delay my approval process?

I am hitting that point in time where I need to talk to my work and let people know that I may be on leave for 12 weeks.

I also emailed Chens office to get a Doctors letter for medical leave.. I am still waiting on that as well.

I am trying to be patient but anxiety makes it really hard. It drives me crazy when there are so many things that are not set in stone. I don’t want to get my hopes up and then have something happen. My hopes are already up so if for some reason I can’t have surgery… this will be devastating.

I am trying not to think about the worst case scenario.

I wish it would all just go smooth for once.

Is It Even Happening?

84 Days

Time seems to be going by faster and faster. I am 84 days out from bottom surgery. It feels like just yesterday I hit 200 days!

I am excited and also incredibly nervous. I think the hardest part to think about right now is that I will be going at this semi-alone. My mom has offered to come down to surgery with me but I am nervous because she hasn’t really looked too much into what this surgery entails… also, I don’t really want her to see me naked.

I am afriad that my mom seeing my arm or body in such a wrecked state will trigger her, and then in return trigger me. I kind of need someone to lie to me at the time and tell me it doesn’t look so bad. 😛 Having someone else gasp at my arm or my penis is not going to be helpful.

My Mom also hasn’t always been so supportive. I think she has come a long way, but I am nervous to test her supportiveness in such a huge event. I want to be grateful for her willingness to help but I fear being so completely vulnerable around her. I have a hard time being vulnerable around my parents for various reasons so this will be ALOT.

Normally I would opt for my best friend to come with me for surgery. She came with me to my top surgery but now she has a kid and another one on the way. She has her own life now and I am happy for her but I miss how our friendship used to be every damn day. It has changed so much. I guess you could say we were pretty co-dependent on each other… I still depended on her a lot up until I guess she didn’t need to depend on me anymore. She had her family move back from Texas, she had a kid… she has everything she needs..but I still need her and I get sad just thinking about it. I guess you could say we had a weird friendship. We were basically partners without the whole sex part. 😛

I am feeling bummed my best friend won’t be there. I have had another friend offer to be there but she hasn’t always been the best at following through with things. I guess time will tell what happens..but until then, I just have to focus on myself… keep going. I will get through this.




84 Days

100 Days

I am officially under 100 days until surgery. 99 days to be exact.That is pretty crazy to think about.

My mind has been a bit full of anxiety. I am scared about having so much time off from the gym but I am trying to think of things I can focus on instead. Writing is one of them… photography, cooking, and YouTube. It is going to be really hard not to fall into a post-op depression. Some of it is probalby unavoidable but I am determined to fight it the best I can.

People keep asking me if I am nervous.

Of course.

I am incredibly nervous. This is a huge surgery. A surgery that rarely occurs without any complications. It is especially hard to go into knowing that. I am going into this surgery trying to think of ways to cope with complications rather than hoping they won’t happen. ( Okay a small part of me is still hoping it won’t happen. )

It is going to be a very strange feeling to go from being so busy to being laid up in bed. Maybe it will give me the time I need to actually stop and think freely, clearly, without all the jumbled stresses of work.

I am having trouble lately with studying for my personal training exam. I can’t seem to get motivated. I don’t think I will be setting the test date until after surgery. I just have too much going on to stress myself out about one more thing.

I’ve been pretty mad at food for a long time now. Thinking about how I followed my passion of cooking and how I feel I will forever be poor because of it.. BUT, I can’t help but still have such a love for it. I am not done with cooking, it just needs a way to be reborn. I have been brainstorming a bit. I guess I will figure that out at some point. As much as I hate the ego of a chef, I have been working with more experienced chefs lately and it has kind of sparked something in me. A glimmer of what I once felt… They are still passionate about cooking even after so many years and it has been nice to be around others who are still passionate about it.

Food. I am not done with you yet.


100 Days

Goals and Anxiety

Wednesday I am leaving for the FTM fitness conference in Atlanta Georgia. Originally I was going to go with my significant other… but we broke up. I was the one that called it off. Without going into too much detail, we just didn’t mesh well. We both had anxiety which I feel like prevented us from personal growth. I know there are times where normally I would push myself through anxious situations but with them I would just avoid it. I am also in a time in my life where I feel like I have so many things I need to do that I have missed out on, and goals that I need to reach that I have no time to compromise or want or need to answer to anyone.

I have reached a time in my life where I want to do what I want… when I want and not have to discuss it with anyone. Basically, I am at a selfish point in my life but I think that after spending so much time answering to so many people.. being married, or pretending to be someone I am not, that I am okay being selfish and taking this time for myself. Life is short and I just want to keep continue living and feeling free.

This week will be a true test of anxiety for me. I am traveling alone, and staying by myself in a hotel at a conference with a lot of people. There are going to be people that I know there.. which is both comforting and axiety provoking. I fear that I will come across different in person because I am shy at first. This usually happens but it has been awhile since I have tested my social anxiety.

Besides the anxiety of traveling alone, I am also competing in the bodybuilding competition. I will be stepping on stage in VERY little clothing. I have been working my ass of training and getting ready for the last 12 weeks. Although I am not completley happy with my physique, I have accepted what it is and am feeling that competing and stepping on stage is a huge accomplishment when it comes to social anxiety.

I am trying to focus less on the part of the competiton that is about physique and focus more on it being a step in overcoming social anxiety and having the chance to celebrate all that I have been training so hard for. Competition day is the day you celebrate! It is the day that I have been working my ass off for and it is only 5 days away.

Besides the competition I have also begun working towards my personal training certificate. I am hoping to start online training. I was a little hesitant thinking of getting my certificate since I have gone to school for it in the past, but I was also hesitant because I am having phalloplasty in 8 months and was worried I wouldn’t be able to coach while I was laid up… however, maybe it will be good timing and will help me make my transition from cook to coach.


Goals and Anxiety

Phalloplasty: The Beginning

After going back and forth on which bottom surgery to choose, I have finally made my decision. I am going with phalloplasty. Not only did I have to chose a procedure but yesterday I had to choose an arm.

I had my first day of electrolysis yesterday where they begin to remove the hair from your arm so that you don’t have a hairy penis and to prevent complication where they are rerouting your urethra. I have tattoos on my arm, but I have a more prominent tattoo on my left.. which is the arm they usually use if you are right handed. They almost always suggest to use your non-dominant hand but I was so reluctant to have a tattoo’d penis or to let my favorite tattoo go.

I made a last second decision of which arm to use right before beginning electrolysis. I went with my left because of the doctors suggestion, and also because I couldn’t imagine not being able to use my right arm for so long.

How would I give myself shots? How would I prepare food or wipe my ass? Of course I could figure it out but it wouldn’t make things any easier… not to mention I cook for a living. I use my right arm a ton. I think the other biggest decision maker was thinking about how the scar would be more visible on my right arm.. reaching for things, shaking peoples hands… it all would probably make me even more self conscious, so I went with the left and figured. Hey, not everyone gets to enjoy a tattoo temporarily. I have 8 more months to enjoy it, and then somewhere down the road I can get a new one. Clean slate.

8 months seems like a long time from now, but I am hoping it goes quick and that it gives me some time to save up some money for surgery. I am taking my first vacation next week in three years, and probably my last for another three. I have been using my sick and vacation time for surgeries for the past two years. After this one I have to start saving up paid leave again.

I was thinking yesterday about how when I was little.. I used to go to bed at night and pray that I would wake up a boy.. I would wake up and feel down there for my penis.. only to be disappointed every time… but on June 13th I will wake up from surgery having my prayers finally answered… along with being in a ton of pain but I will heal, and it will all be worth it.


Phalloplasty: The Beginning

The Single Life

I just ended a relationship I was in off and on for about 5 months now. Ending relationships has never been my strong point but I am pretty certain this is the absolute end of this one.

Before this relationship I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Since transition my self worth has gotten much better but sometimes I still fail to not settle for less than what I am looking for. Or perhaps the biggest problem in this relationship is that I was not looking for one at all. I was unwilling to compromise much or give up much of my time. Obviously that is a bit of a problem if you are with someone.

I am at this point in my life where I don’t want to be held down by anything or anyone. I don’t want to have to answer to anyone since I did it for so long. Being in a relationship has almost become a phobia of mine. Besides feeling stuck, I guess you could say I have been hurt pretty bad and that also terrifies me. I will never forget my first heartbreak and I think I have barred myself from ever feeling love that intensely ever again in order to protect myself.

Love is a tough journey.

On another note: Today I am TWO YEARS post top surgery.

It is still hard to believe that it actually happened. I remember feeling like it never would…and here I am two years later and couldn’t be happier. Life is a trip.

The Single Life

I Hate Decisions

I had my consult with Dr. Chen yesterday for lower surgery… and unfortunately it didn’t make anything clearer or easier for me to decide. He examined my downstairs and said that I had a great build for Meta and would do well with that surgery. He was pretty sure I would be able to stand to pee and use a urinal.

The downside is that penetration is not so great with Meta so if Penetrative sex is something that is a priority for me… Meta is not the surgery for me.

If it wasn’t for the huge arm scar I would have no doubts in my mind that phallo was the procedure for me. There is also a chance I would end up with a scar that healed well. Or that it would hardly be noticeable with a future tattoo.

I just don’t know that I will be happy with Meta in the long  run. In the short run Meta seems like a great option. Less complications, less recovery time, no scarring.. but the negatives are: Maybe not being able to use a urinal or stand to pee, no penetration…

Both of which are important to me.

Downside to Phallo: Longer recovery time, large forearm scar, higher chance of complications.

I am starting to really lean towards phallo. It is a huge risk. BUT it would be everything I would want. I kept my current phallo date which changed to June 13th 2017. I have a little more time to decide and also have another phone consultation with Dr. Chen in two weeks.

Off to work, more on the consultation to come!

I Hate Decisions