I’ve been having a tough time lately when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want to be alone, or if I am just scared to fall in love again.
One thing that I haven’t really ever talked about is the fact that I was in love with one of my best friends for years.
I met her in culinary school. We had an instant connection and grew really close. She had a boyfriend at the time, but I waited. We were really flirty with each other and there were definitley times I wondered if maybe she had feelings for me too.
Two years after we met, her and her boyfriend broke up and we ended up moving in together. We also happened to work together after culinary school. I thought that maybe, just maybe, after her and her boyfriend broke up that I had a chance. Maybe she would chose me. I had been in an emotional relationship with her ever since I met her… whether she was aware of it or not. I treated her like someone I was in a relationship with. I bought her things, I did things for her… I was in love. Of course this was not something I told her because I didn’t want to scare her away or end our friendship but she seemed to enjoy every little thoughtful thing I did for her.
Unfortunately after her and her boyfriend broke up, she did not chose me. She chose another guy from work and I was heartbroken. Things were different after that. She didn’t flirt with me as much or give me as much of her time and attention. I get it, this always happens when friends are in new relationships but I was way more devastated considering I wished that she would have chosen me.
I was a mess for awhile after that. I felt stupid for having hope, and felt that I was not enough. I had to see her bring home her new boyfriend every night. He stayed at our place more than he did his own. It was really hard to see. I haven’t really stopped to think about how tough it was. It hurt like hell.
I tried to get rid of the heartache by dating other people… only to also be rejected by the other people I dated. One of my friends advised me to stop flirting with the friend I was in love with, and to stop doing things for her because she was taking advantage of me. So I did. She didn’t seem to like me much after I stopped doing things for her. I think maybe my friend was right. She was taking from me what she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend at the time. I still feel so dumb about this whole situation and it is hard for me to talk about. It wasn’t too long until she told me her and her boyfriend were getting their own place.. I was left to fend for myself. Luckily I found a new roommate but this other roommate happened to be someone that I had dated and had fallen for incredibly fast after playing a ton of games with me she finally ended things because she wasn’t into girls.( this was pre-transition) I also got to witness this girl bring home boys.. i’ve never felt so shitty in my life.
The only positive that I can think of when I look back on this is that I truly felt something for these girls… and I want to feel that again. However, I am also scared to feel that again because all I have ever known is rejection and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.
Five years ago, I met the girl that became my first love, and first heartbreak. Sometimes I hate myself for even knowing it was five years ago, and for still thinking about her.
I fell hard and fast for her. She lived across the country but I was willing to do whatever it took to be with her, even if it meant moving across the country. To this day I still have thoughts of moving to Washington D.C. or visiting. It was a magical place because it is where I spent the most time with her.
Ever since then, I haven’t been able to commit to a relationship for any longer than a few months. I’ve had a a couple other heartbreaks since then and I feel like the wound of heartbreak just keeps getting deeper and deeper everytime… to the point where it is not able to heal.
I have become pretty cynical when it comes to relationships. I am afraid to love someone again and have it be so one sided. Being single is so much easier and safer.
Who knows if I will ever date again or find someone I am willing to commit to. All I know is that heartbreak sucks and I am not ready to feel that again.
I stayed home sick today with the flu. In the food world.. this means I don’t want to go to work and if I say I am throwing up… then by law, you can’t make me.
I’ve had a lot on my mind this last week. Donald Trump only being one of the many things running through my mind, and living with parents who voted for him.
Currently I am single. Mostly by choice… I would like to belive that at least, but I can’t help but realize and acknowledge that not a day in the past 3 years has gone by that I haven’t thought about my first girlfriend. Sometimes I feel like I should not be thinking of her at all anymore, but so many things remind me of her on a daily basis. Songs, locations, movies, seasons. etc.
Maybe I think of her so much because I never got any closure. She persued me, told me she loved me, and she was my first sexual experience with a woman. She loved me until she didn’t, and then I never saw her again. ( it is a pretty long story ) I guess it makes more sense that I still get a bit caught up on her. It hurts to think that there is still not a day that passes that I think of her, and she probably never thinks of me at all.
I think she is probably one of the biggest reasons I am currently single. I am afraid to get hurt again. A girl I dated about 2 years ago also hurt me pretty bad. I tend to get hurt bad by the girls who tend to keep their distance, and then I tend to push away other girls who actually like me.
I don’t know what my issue is. All I know is that my first girlfriend fucked me up for a really long time. I still love her, I still think about her and wonder what her life looks like now. I guess if I am honest I do also wonder if she ever thinks about me. Probably not, but hey I can dream.
Hopefully I will find mutual love someday.
Today is Thanksgiving. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t cook thanksgiving dinner.. in fact, I spent today completely alone and I enjoyed it. Sometimes I feel like holidays put way too much pressure to hang out with people even if you don’t want to, or even if you don’t particularly like the people you are obligated to hang out with. If people love you, they will hang out with you any day.. it doesn’t have to be a special occasion.
Besides this one, I think that my favorite Thanksgiving was actually spent with my ex girlfriend two years ago. She made me feel very loved and appreciated that day. We also had some really good food and company. I was just starting my transition so I didn’t particularly feel comfortable around my family. She made me feel calm and at home.
I actually have been missing her lately. Things were not always so great between us, but I do feel like she is the last one that may have understood me to a certain extent. She was very smart, and she was beautiful.
We were engaged at one point, but I ended it one night by walking out. We had a lot of good moments. I think we understood each other in a lot of ways that other people did not but there were also times where I felt I was walking on egg shells and was alwayas upsetting her. I began to fear expressing any feelings or thoughts or concerns because I didn’t want to upset her.. and she would get pretty harsh and mean when she was upset.
Sometimes I wonder if things could have been different, or maybe I am just forgetting the bad times. Sometimes I wonder if I cared too much about a certain friends opinion that isn’t even my friend anymore.
I haven’t spoken to her since we broke up, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about her or try to check up on her. Sometimes I feel like reaching out to her, but I feel like I would just make her angry.
She probably thinks I don’t care about her but that is far from the truth. I just wish I could let her know that somehow.