77 Days

I am 77 days from surgery now. The antcipation surely is the worst.

I am feeling a little less anxious about everything. I have had the house to myself for a week and it has been pretty amazing mentally. I also paid of a credit card and it gave me hope that one day I will be out of debt and able to afford my own place. I am a long way off still but there is a one word mantra that has been playing through my head all week. “Patience.”

Time does pass, things continue to move forward. With a little bit of work and a little bit of patience, eventually we do get to where we want to be. It might not be as fast as we want it to happen but the secret is not giving up no matter how much time it takes. Keep going.

I think there is this sense in the world right now that we need to do everything right away and as fast as possible to get everything we ever wanted in life… but the real truth is that all we can do is put in the work but we might not see the benefits for awhile… but that is OK!

One of the biggest reasons I feel so short on time is because I feel like I lost a lot of my life to fear. I feel like my life started after my first shot of testosterone… and now I have to make up for lost time. It often feels like I am doing 100 meter sprints and trying to catch my breath. I am trying to tell myself it is okay to jog. I am not going to miss anything, I am not going to enjoy life anymore by sprinting.

I have had the house to myself this week and it has really brought me some mental clarity. I wish it wasn’t temporary… one day I will move out of my parents house. I think the hardest thing about living with my parents is that they may appear supportive now but they were not always and it is really hard to just forgive and forget. They are still very religious and not only judge being trans but they judge sex, alcohol consumption , me not going to church… etc.

I carry a lot of shame. It makes me tense and allows anxiety to fill my life.

Dating someone while I am living at home is something I have found to be impossible. I don’t like my parents being involved in my dating life, or asking questions or seeing them after having sex. It is too much for me to currenlty handle. After surgery, my biggest focus needs to be moving out of this house so that I can move on with my life and heal from my past.

My mom will be my caretaker after surgery. After much resistence I finally decided to accept this. My mom was abusive to me as a child so it is really really hard to go back into a state of being dependent on her. It quite honestly scares me but I can only hope that this time around it will be different. It just stirs up a lot of feelings for me and I am trying my best to come to terms with these feelings and learn how to move on from them, or to deal with them at best.

The only way I can really get passed some of the abuse from my mom is to have compassion. I know that inside, she is a broken person and that is why she treated me the way she did… but I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and a deep hole in my heart of feeling unloved and unnurtured. –which I think has also led me into abusive relationships in the past.

One day I will find a healthy relationship. One day after I am able to get passed my childhood, my transition, and being able to completley love and accept myself. This year will not only be dedicated to healing physically but emotionally.

 

 

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77 Days

Look What I’ve Done

Lately I have been struggling with being a perfectionist. I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. To the point that I let it paralyze me. Sometimes when I create… whether it is a food or a youtube video I have to fight myself even more the next timet to put something out there again in fear that it might not be good, or not better than the last time. I always want to improve.

There are times that I still fear to take risks or do things that I might fail at and have people see it… but then I think back to all that I have done despite of what others thought.

I got divorced, came out, and transitioned. Although it was not completely fearless… I still did it. I’ve been a bit more full of fear lately but then I have to stop and think to myself… Look what i’ve done.

I’ve made great strides in becoming my authentic self. I AM living. And although I struggle with things…I have been able to push through so much. I can’t forget how far I have come.

 

Look What I’ve Done

100 Days

I am officially under 100 days until surgery. 99 days to be exact.That is pretty crazy to think about.

My mind has been a bit full of anxiety. I am scared about having so much time off from the gym but I am trying to think of things I can focus on instead. Writing is one of them… photography, cooking, and YouTube. It is going to be really hard not to fall into a post-op depression. Some of it is probalby unavoidable but I am determined to fight it the best I can.

People keep asking me if I am nervous.

Of course.

I am incredibly nervous. This is a huge surgery. A surgery that rarely occurs without any complications. It is especially hard to go into knowing that. I am going into this surgery trying to think of ways to cope with complications rather than hoping they won’t happen. ( Okay a small part of me is still hoping it won’t happen. )

It is going to be a very strange feeling to go from being so busy to being laid up in bed. Maybe it will give me the time I need to actually stop and think freely, clearly, without all the jumbled stresses of work.

I am having trouble lately with studying for my personal training exam. I can’t seem to get motivated. I don’t think I will be setting the test date until after surgery. I just have too much going on to stress myself out about one more thing.

I’ve been pretty mad at food for a long time now. Thinking about how I followed my passion of cooking and how I feel I will forever be poor because of it.. BUT, I can’t help but still have such a love for it. I am not done with cooking, it just needs a way to be reborn. I have been brainstorming a bit. I guess I will figure that out at some point. As much as I hate the ego of a chef, I have been working with more experienced chefs lately and it has kind of sparked something in me. A glimmer of what I once felt… They are still passionate about cooking even after so many years and it has been nice to be around others who are still passionate about it.

Food. I am not done with you yet.

 

100 Days

Weekly 5

I will admit I did pretty good with last weeks weekly 5. Except for the study part. I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to get myself to study I need to put more pressure on myself.. which means setting a test date. It is a lot easier to put something off when there is no deadline. I can’t continue to be so afraid of failure. If I fail, I fail.

The weekly Five

  1. Cut down on protein bars to save $
  2. STUDY
  3. STUDY
  4. Set test date
  5. Sell Wristbands 

I’ve been trying to think of more creative ways to make money to save for surgery. Last week I succesfully posted two items to ebay, and made custom wristbands to sell. If you would like to check them out you can order them here. 

Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I feel like lately it has been a struggle to do anything but cope. Even small goals feel overwhelming. I feel like I need to escape. Epsecially this house. If there is a God I feel like he is putting me through some sort of cruel and unusual punishment.

I don’t want to admit that I am maybe dealing with real depression.. but I think at this point I am realizing my down days are more often than my good days and I don’t know how to climb myself out of this hole. I just have to try to keep going.

  1. Financial Fitness: Bring my grocery spending down. I spend way too much on food.  This means less kombucha, and protein bars. I spend at leat $7.00 a day on Kombucha and protein bars. That adds up.
  2. Study 30 mins each day.
  3. Run when it is sunny out. ( I am keeping this because it was the only thing I was successful at last week and it makes me feel good )
  4. Write more
  5. Set up my fitness plan going into June. ( Surgery is June 13th)
Weekly 5

Weekly 5

It has been a bit of a weird week. Trump being our new president is still blowing my mind. It is going to be a long four years.

I failed my last weeks weekly 5 pretty miserably… but hey it is a new week right?

  1. Save $50
  2. Study ( I didn’t study at all last week ) just lesson 3. Baby steps.
  3. Youtube Uploads.. taking it down to 2 videos per week so I have enough time to study.
  4. Record workouts
  5. Mind rest

 

My parents have been gone this week and it has allowed me to feel much more relaxed and much less lonely. ( Strange how that works huh?) I think it has made me see just how important it is that I move out of here sooner than later. I can’t seem to move on in life while living under their roof. This means that I really need to study in order for me to reach the goal of moving out so that I can do online personal training on the side. It is vital for me to do in order to earn more money to pay off some bills and move out.

I think I have been so resistent to studying lately because I am afraid to fail. I know, that sounds counter productive… but I am having a hard time believing I could do it. Strange how the brain works sometimes.

I can do this.

 

Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I’ve been having some hard days. Flipping in and out of days with anxiety, followed by days of depression. I am usually pretty good at getting myself out of funks but this one has been particularly hard to get myself out of. I think it is a mix of feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I am failing, turning 30 ( tomorrow ) and feeling like I miss my old circle of friends. ( This is a long story ).

I can’t help but imagine what it would feel like to leave my job and move on to the next phase in life. I imagine just walking away and figuring it out as it happens but I know that I can’t do that. I have bills to pay and surgery coming up in June. If I were to be honest, I am trying to set myself up to walk away in June.. but perhaps a little more prepared. I Just have to be patient, and I have to continue to work towards putting myself in a position where I can move on. It can be frustrating but that is what happens when you are an adult I suppose. Oh lord, I really am thirty years old. I want to live my life with more purpose. I get the most inspired and excited when I can help and inspire others. Seeing other people make a change in their lives makes me feel so happy and awake. This is why I want to get into personal training. Not because I think that everyone should strive for the “perfect” body or for six pack abs… but because seeing people take steps to better themselves makes me feel alive. I love it when people take control of their lives and do things that make them feel refreshed, happier, healthier, and excited to live!

Wow, rant over. Time for the weekly five.

  1. Save $50
  2. Study and complete lessons 5 and 6 for my personal training certificate.
  3. Make a Youtube Upload Schedule ( thinking Monday, Wednesday, Friday? )
  4. Continue to record workouts and share.
  5. Put old shit I don’t use up on Ebay to see if I can sell it to put towards surgery in June.

 

 

Weekly 5