The Surface

I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about my relationship with my mother. Things between us are not the greatest. Our relationship was mostly built off fear. My mom isn’t the nurturing type, but I do have to say that at least our relationship has been able to go past just being at surface level.

To a certain extent we get each other. We are both hardcore introverts that are misunderstood by my extroverted Father. We are not like him, but he can’t ever seem to accept that not everyone is like him… and if you are not like him then you are some sort of inferior species.

I was thinking the other day how a lot of my childhood memories involve my mom. Some good, some.. not so good at all, but despite all this I realized that I don’t have a lot of memories with my Dad because he wasn’t really there. He was working most of the time, but even when he was home he was checked out. He was in the garage working on his stained glass, or he was in the yard working on his garden, or his pastels or etc.

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy sad and angry about my past with my mom, but I have never truly greived my relationship with my father. He wasn’t there, and he is still not there.

I live in the same house with my Dad still, and our relationship is even more distant than it was when I was a child. I am sure my transition hasn’t been easy for him to deal wtih but its hard sometimes. The only time he talks to me is when he tells me that he sold a painting. “That’s awesome” I will reply.

I feel such a huge tug on my heart to put out more effort into talking to him, to deepening our relationship but at the same time I want nothing more than to be miles and miles away from him. I feel hurt, anger, and fear of rejection. I don’t know that we will ever be close… or that I am strong enough to try to build any sort of relationship at this point.

When I came out to him as trans, the first thing he said to me was “You are going to put yourself in a lot of debt.” He was right, but that about sums up his whole personality. He cares more about money than hapiness or risk. He makes practical decisions, not emotional decisions. The only emotional decision he ever made was marrying my mom and the deepest conversations he ever had with me were how he wanted to leave her.

I never want to sacrifice my happiness for money. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I became a chef. I might not make a lot of money but I get to create, and I get the pleasure or nourishing people.

I can only hope one day that my Dad looks at me the same way he looks at my brother. Of course I want him to be proud of me but at the same time I don’t know how realistic that is and might be better off greiving our relationship rather than continually be let down by some sort unrealistic expectations.

My heart is heavy today.

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The Surface

Work

Every Tuesday morning I go through my usual routine… protein shake, coffee, youtube… but Tuesday mornings are particuarly more difficult because I am coming off my weekend and I can’t help but imagine a day where I won’t ever have to go back.

I am grateful for my job and the insurance benefits it provides but it is wearing on me that I spend 40 hours a week at a place I don’t want to be. That is a lot of hours of my life each week that I don’t enjoy.

I am aware that the grass always seems greener. That no matter what I was doing for work it might seem shitty… but I didn’t always feel this way towards my work. It has changed a lot since last year and it feels as though the heart of the company has gone cold. It is all about money lately. So many of the employees that have been there for years have left. Out of all my friends that worked there, I am the only one left.

It is hard working for a company you feel doesn’t care about anything but money. I pride myself in my work. I am a hard worker no matter what but mentally, it is beginning to wear on me.

Food has been one of my biggest passions in life. I began to wonder if my passion was dead but I am feeling more and more that it isn’t dead, I am just needing a change of scenery and more freedom to create. Creating was one of the best things about cooking for me.

I am 105 days away from surgery. 105 days away from a 12 week break from work. Part of me is scared that I will lose my job if I have complications that don’t allow me to go back to work after 12 weeks. ( We only get a total of 12 weeks medical leave until they won’t hold your job for you anymore ). But another part of me feels ready to deal with that and move on. The only thing that has me worried is that I will lose my health insurance. If I can think of a way around this… I will be okay with moving on, but I am not sure how I would handle this.

I am currently training to be a personal trainer but finding the time to study right now seems impossible. I wanted to be certified before surgery, but I might have to let go of that idea and use my down time to study for my test. Life doesn’t always work out how you wanted I suppose.

I am tired of spending so much of my time doing something that sucks the life out of me. This needs to change.

Work

The Single Life

I just ended a relationship I was in off and on for about 5 months now. Ending relationships has never been my strong point but I am pretty certain this is the absolute end of this one.

Before this relationship I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Since transition my self worth has gotten much better but sometimes I still fail to not settle for less than what I am looking for. Or perhaps the biggest problem in this relationship is that I was not looking for one at all. I was unwilling to compromise much or give up much of my time. Obviously that is a bit of a problem if you are with someone.

I am at this point in my life where I don’t want to be held down by anything or anyone. I don’t want to have to answer to anyone since I did it for so long. Being in a relationship has almost become a phobia of mine. Besides feeling stuck, I guess you could say I have been hurt pretty bad and that also terrifies me. I will never forget my first heartbreak and I think I have barred myself from ever feeling love that intensely ever again in order to protect myself.

Love is a tough journey.

On another note: Today I am TWO YEARS post top surgery.

It is still hard to believe that it actually happened. I remember feeling like it never would…and here I am two years later and couldn’t be happier. Life is a trip.

The Single Life

Peace

It could be that I don’t have to work today… but I am feeling rather at peace this morning. Maybe that says something about just how much my job stresses me out, but I am also feeling more at peace about lower surgery today.

I am worrying less about which surgery to choose and thinking more about using a urinal and being able to take the fear of public restrooms out of my life. I am also worrying less about financial situations even though they are not improving anytime soon.

I think I am feeling more grateful than anything this morning. I have been pretty addicted to this APP called TimeHop and it shows you things you posted on social media all through the years. I have come so far and I am finding a lot of peace in that.

I have a lot of emotions running through me right now. I am feeling grateful for having top surgery, a little sad about some of the friends I have lost, and excited for things I have to look forward to.

I need some more change in my life and I am realizing that if I actually want change to happen I need to take action just as I have in the past.

Peace

Bottom Surgery

Tomorrow is my consultation for bottom sugery. This is actually my second consult but it is with a new doctor. My first consult was with Dr. Crane but this consult is with one of his partners Dr. Chen. At first I couldn’t imagine having bottom surgery with anyone who was new but I have heard lots of good things about Dr. Chen and he has not had any major complications as of yet.

I am still trying to decide between Meta or Phallo. I am hoping tomorrow’s appointment will help make it more clear about which procedure is right for me. It bums me out to think that with either surgery… you are sacrificing something.

The other day I was almost sure I was going to go with Meta, but then I saw some pictures of the arm scar a year post-op and thought.. hmm thats actually not bad.. and the mind battle between the two surgeries continued.

It is also strange to think that I will be having this consult only a few days before my two year top surgery anniversary.

I used to also let the idea of phallo stop me because I work in a kitchen and I use my right arm so much. My job is pretty physical so I am not just sitting at a desk all day… but I am looking for something new at this point. Maybe I will have surgery and move onto something new if opportunity allows. It is all unclear.

I am trying to focus on what is most important to me.. and right now the ability to pee standing up (using a urinal )is what I put high on the priority list because public restrooms give me a lot of anxiety. I feel like it limits me socially sometimes.. so to get rid of that anxiety would be awesome.

Hoping to get some clarification tomorrow.

Bottom Surgery

Can’t Take The Heat

There is a familiar saying in the food world. “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.” Well, I am done trying to pretend I am cool enough to take the heat. I am really burned out when it comes to food and cooking and am ready to make my exit.

Leaving your career as a cook or chef isn’t easy. Cooking becomes part of your identity and leaving it behind makes you second guess who you are.

All I know is that I am tired. Food isn’t the same when the love, fun, and creative juices are taken from it. I go to work, I cook from shitty recipes, and get paid a shit wage. If only they were more honest with you when you started culinary school. Instead of asking you if you were ready for an exicting career what they should of said was are you ready to be in debt that you could never pay off while working a shitty job with a shitty wage?

If I sound bitter it is because I am.

I am once again working my way back into personal training. I went to school for it about 6 years ago but I never got my national certification. Why not? I got a job as a personal trainer at a studio but social anxiety stopped me from continuing. I couldn’t handle presenting as female in such a body centered industry. I was already uncomfortable in my body so to add the pressures of a fit female body was intense. I never felt feminine enough, and mostly just super socially awkward.

But here I am today. Feeling much more confident in my body with a renewed passion in fitness/bodybuilding. Maybe I could make it as a trainer after all. All I know right now is that my job is sucking the life out of me. I live for the weekend and the minute I go home on my Friday… I start dreading Monday. There has got to be more to life than this.

 

 

 

Can’t Take The Heat

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Welcome. The first post is always the hardest when it comes to blogging… but I am going to try not to pay attention to the blinking line and just go with what is on my mind. I am a 29 year old transman, I am a bodybuilder, and a cook. I am sure you will learn about me as time goes on but for now, I will just give you the surface details.

I’ve been cooking for some years now, although food is a passion of mine it is also a passion of mine to stay out of a restaurant kitchen due to my high anxiety. Little did I know when I went to culinary school it was probably the worst career I could have chosen to go into for someone with a lot of anxiety.

I work at a natural foods co-op in a production style kitchen. It was doable for me because there was not the constant stress of making food to order for customers like in a restaurant, but things have changed recently. Our kitchen is under new management and the stress levels have been much higher.

Last week a few co-workers got written up for burning large batches of dairy based sauces. It is a pretty easy thing to do. Leaving a pot of simmering milk on the stove unattended is bound to lead to a scorched sauce. It happens in the blink of an eye. A watched pot never boils, but an unwatched pot of milk never fails to scorch on the bottom.

I didn’t hear about my fellow co-workers being written up for scorching a sauce until after I too, scorched the country gravy. I didn’t even realize it was scorched until I was placing the sauce into a container to put away. I tasted it. Yep, tastes burned. Not wanting to be written up I continued to put away the gravy and just cross my fingers that no one noticed. That was two days ago. So far, so good but there is still time for it to be discovered.

I’ve never been one to ride the waves of risk. Usually I would have come clean and admitted my fault but knowing I would be written up I decided to test my fate. Maybe I will still get written up, but maybe I wont.

The reason I am writing about this situation is because it is a very new experience for me. New in that I am not one to scorch my sauce, and new in that I don’t normally try to get away with things. I took a risk, and I don’t regret it.

I need to take more risks in life. Not in a way of risks to try to get away with things but I can’t play my life so damn safe all the time. I have taken many risks already and they have always paid off but more recently i’ve stayed away from most things that carry any weight of risk.

Time to get a little more daring.

I will let you know if my scorched sauce is discovered.

 

 

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