I’ve been having a tough time lately when it comes to relationships. Sometimes I don’t know if I really want to be alone, or if I am just scared to fall in love again.
One thing that I haven’t really ever talked about is the fact that I was in love with one of my best friends for years.
I met her in culinary school. We had an instant connection and grew really close. She had a boyfriend at the time, but I waited. We were really flirty with each other and there were definitley times I wondered if maybe she had feelings for me too.
Two years after we met, her and her boyfriend broke up and we ended up moving in together. We also happened to work together after culinary school. I thought that maybe, just maybe, after her and her boyfriend broke up that I had a chance. Maybe she would chose me. I had been in an emotional relationship with her ever since I met her… whether she was aware of it or not. I treated her like someone I was in a relationship with. I bought her things, I did things for her… I was in love. Of course this was not something I told her because I didn’t want to scare her away or end our friendship but she seemed to enjoy every little thoughtful thing I did for her.
Unfortunately after her and her boyfriend broke up, she did not chose me. She chose another guy from work and I was heartbroken. Things were different after that. She didn’t flirt with me as much or give me as much of her time and attention. I get it, this always happens when friends are in new relationships but I was way more devastated considering I wished that she would have chosen me.
I was a mess for awhile after that. I felt stupid for having hope, and felt that I was not enough. I had to see her bring home her new boyfriend every night. He stayed at our place more than he did his own. It was really hard to see. I haven’t really stopped to think about how tough it was. It hurt like hell.
I tried to get rid of the heartache by dating other people… only to also be rejected by the other people I dated. One of my friends advised me to stop flirting with the friend I was in love with, and to stop doing things for her because she was taking advantage of me. So I did. She didn’t seem to like me much after I stopped doing things for her. I think maybe my friend was right. She was taking from me what she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend at the time. I still feel so dumb about this whole situation and it is hard for me to talk about. It wasn’t too long until she told me her and her boyfriend were getting their own place.. I was left to fend for myself. Luckily I found a new roommate but this other roommate happened to be someone that I had dated and had fallen for incredibly fast after playing a ton of games with me she finally ended things because she wasn’t into girls.( this was pre-transition) I also got to witness this girl bring home boys.. i’ve never felt so shitty in my life.
The only positive that I can think of when I look back on this is that I truly felt something for these girls… and I want to feel that again. However, I am also scared to feel that again because all I have ever known is rejection and I don’t know how much more of it I can take.