77 Days

I am 77 days from surgery now. The antcipation surely is the worst.

I am feeling a little less anxious about everything. I have had the house to myself for a week and it has been pretty amazing mentally. I also paid of a credit card and it gave me hope that one day I will be out of debt and able to afford my own place. I am a long way off still but there is a one word mantra that has been playing through my head all week. “Patience.”

Time does pass, things continue to move forward. With a little bit of work and a little bit of patience, eventually we do get to where we want to be. It might not be as fast as we want it to happen but the secret is not giving up no matter how much time it takes. Keep going.

I think there is this sense in the world right now that we need to do everything right away and as fast as possible to get everything we ever wanted in life… but the real truth is that all we can do is put in the work but we might not see the benefits for awhile… but that is OK!

One of the biggest reasons I feel so short on time is because I feel like I lost a lot of my life to fear. I feel like my life started after my first shot of testosterone… and now I have to make up for lost time. It often feels like I am doing 100 meter sprints and trying to catch my breath. I am trying to tell myself it is okay to jog. I am not going to miss anything, I am not going to enjoy life anymore by sprinting.

I have had the house to myself this week and it has really brought me some mental clarity. I wish it wasn’t temporary… one day I will move out of my parents house. I think the hardest thing about living with my parents is that they may appear supportive now but they were not always and it is really hard to just forgive and forget. They are still very religious and not only judge being trans but they judge sex, alcohol consumption , me not going to church… etc.

I carry a lot of shame. It makes me tense and allows anxiety to fill my life.

Dating someone while I am living at home is something I have found to be impossible. I don’t like my parents being involved in my dating life, or asking questions or seeing them after having sex. It is too much for me to currenlty handle. After surgery, my biggest focus needs to be moving out of this house so that I can move on with my life and heal from my past.

My mom will be my caretaker after surgery. After much resistence I finally decided to accept this. My mom was abusive to me as a child so it is really really hard to go back into a state of being dependent on her. It quite honestly scares me but I can only hope that this time around it will be different. It just stirs up a lot of feelings for me and I am trying my best to come to terms with these feelings and learn how to move on from them, or to deal with them at best.

The only way I can really get passed some of the abuse from my mom is to have compassion. I know that inside, she is a broken person and that is why she treated me the way she did… but I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and a deep hole in my heart of feeling unloved and unnurtured. –which I think has also led me into abusive relationships in the past.

One day I will find a healthy relationship. One day after I am able to get passed my childhood, my transition, and being able to completley love and accept myself. This year will not only be dedicated to healing physically but emotionally.

 

 

77 Days

Weekly 5

It is the start of another week and I am filled with the usual dread of the work week. I definitely need a job change. At least hating my job is one consistent feeling in my life.

I think the biggest part about hating my job is feeling disappointed in myself. I had big hopes and dreams for my culinary career but I feel as though I am playing it safe. Stability is something I needed and that was my main reason for getting into this job…but if I want to actually create, I have to do that outside of work but lately I have found myself too exhausted. I guess that could be a reason I am feeling a little less myself.

Cooking for people has always been a way for me to communicate or show my love. I need this back in my life, I need to give more, and I need to create more.

I have also officially decided to set my personal training test AFTER surgery in order not to stress myself out more. I just want to be as healthy as possible going into surgery and give myself more time to study when I will be laid up. It will give me something to do 🙂

This weeks weekly 5

  1. sell/send out wristbands.
  2. Ebay
  3. Up my Cardio
  4. More sleep
  5. Stop letting perfection paralyze me.

 

Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I feel like lately it has been a struggle to do anything but cope. Even small goals feel overwhelming. I feel like I need to escape. Epsecially this house. If there is a God I feel like he is putting me through some sort of cruel and unusual punishment.

I don’t want to admit that I am maybe dealing with real depression.. but I think at this point I am realizing my down days are more often than my good days and I don’t know how to climb myself out of this hole. I just have to try to keep going.

  1. Financial Fitness: Bring my grocery spending down. I spend way too much on food.  This means less kombucha, and protein bars. I spend at leat $7.00 a day on Kombucha and protein bars. That adds up.
  2. Study 30 mins each day.
  3. Run when it is sunny out. ( I am keeping this because it was the only thing I was successful at last week and it makes me feel good )
  4. Write more
  5. Set up my fitness plan going into June. ( Surgery is June 13th)
Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I have had the worst time getting myself to study. It has officially been a month since I have been able to crack my books and find the motivation to do so. I think a lot of it has to do with me feeling sad about having to take such a long break from the gym following surgery… but if I want to move on from my job, and onto working for my damn self then I need to study. Work is an area in my life that I am most unhappy. I can’t just sit here waiting for it to change, or just let my life pass me by. Forty hours a week is a lot of time to spend at a place you don’t want to be.

This weeks Weekly 5

  1. Save $50 – in order to keep myself more accountable I am going to withdraw $50 cash each week and put it in a jar. After a month I am going to deposit it into my savings account.
  2. Study… 30 minutes per day. Going lesson by lesson doesn’t seem to be working for me.
  3. Run when it is sunny out. ( 5k in April?)
  4. Be gentle with myself.
  5. Drink more water.

 

 

Weekly 5

Weekly 5

I’ve been having some hard days. Flipping in and out of days with anxiety, followed by days of depression. I am usually pretty good at getting myself out of funks but this one has been particularly hard to get myself out of. I think it is a mix of feeling overwhelmed, feeling like I am failing, turning 30 ( tomorrow ) and feeling like I miss my old circle of friends. ( This is a long story ).

I can’t help but imagine what it would feel like to leave my job and move on to the next phase in life. I imagine just walking away and figuring it out as it happens but I know that I can’t do that. I have bills to pay and surgery coming up in June. If I were to be honest, I am trying to set myself up to walk away in June.. but perhaps a little more prepared. I Just have to be patient, and I have to continue to work towards putting myself in a position where I can move on. It can be frustrating but that is what happens when you are an adult I suppose. Oh lord, I really am thirty years old. I want to live my life with more purpose. I get the most inspired and excited when I can help and inspire others. Seeing other people make a change in their lives makes me feel so happy and awake. This is why I want to get into personal training. Not because I think that everyone should strive for the “perfect” body or for six pack abs… but because seeing people take steps to better themselves makes me feel alive. I love it when people take control of their lives and do things that make them feel refreshed, happier, healthier, and excited to live!

Wow, rant over. Time for the weekly five.

  1. Save $50
  2. Study and complete lessons 5 and 6 for my personal training certificate.
  3. Make a Youtube Upload Schedule ( thinking Monday, Wednesday, Friday? )
  4. Continue to record workouts and share.
  5. Put old shit I don’t use up on Ebay to see if I can sell it to put towards surgery in June.

 

 

Weekly 5