77 Days

I am 77 days from surgery now. The antcipation surely is the worst.

I am feeling a little less anxious about everything. I have had the house to myself for a week and it has been pretty amazing mentally. I also paid of a credit card and it gave me hope that one day I will be out of debt and able to afford my own place. I am a long way off still but there is a one word mantra that has been playing through my head all week. “Patience.”

Time does pass, things continue to move forward. With a little bit of work and a little bit of patience, eventually we do get to where we want to be. It might not be as fast as we want it to happen but the secret is not giving up no matter how much time it takes. Keep going.

I think there is this sense in the world right now that we need to do everything right away and as fast as possible to get everything we ever wanted in life… but the real truth is that all we can do is put in the work but we might not see the benefits for awhile… but that is OK!

One of the biggest reasons I feel so short on time is because I feel like I lost a lot of my life to fear. I feel like my life started after my first shot of testosterone… and now I have to make up for lost time. It often feels like I am doing 100 meter sprints and trying to catch my breath. I am trying to tell myself it is okay to jog. I am not going to miss anything, I am not going to enjoy life anymore by sprinting.

I have had the house to myself this week and it has really brought me some mental clarity. I wish it wasn’t temporary… one day I will move out of my parents house. I think the hardest thing about living with my parents is that they may appear supportive now but they were not always and it is really hard to just forgive and forget. They are still very religious and not only judge being trans but they judge sex, alcohol consumption , me not going to church… etc.

I carry a lot of shame. It makes me tense and allows anxiety to fill my life.

Dating someone while I am living at home is something I have found to be impossible. I don’t like my parents being involved in my dating life, or asking questions or seeing them after having sex. It is too much for me to currenlty handle. After surgery, my biggest focus needs to be moving out of this house so that I can move on with my life and heal from my past.

My mom will be my caretaker after surgery. After much resistence I finally decided to accept this. My mom was abusive to me as a child so it is really really hard to go back into a state of being dependent on her. It quite honestly scares me but I can only hope that this time around it will be different. It just stirs up a lot of feelings for me and I am trying my best to come to terms with these feelings and learn how to move on from them, or to deal with them at best.

The only way I can really get passed some of the abuse from my mom is to have compassion. I know that inside, she is a broken person and that is why she treated me the way she did… but I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and a deep hole in my heart of feeling unloved and unnurtured. –which I think has also led me into abusive relationships in the past.

One day I will find a healthy relationship. One day after I am able to get passed my childhood, my transition, and being able to completley love and accept myself. This year will not only be dedicated to healing physically but emotionally.

 

 

Advertisements
77 Days

The Ache

 

Weekends are bittersweet. It is nice not to be working… but being home makes it hard to ignore the deep ache and heavy feeling of shame I feel when I am around my parents.

It really brings my mood down and I can’t find anything to distract me from the ache. I keep wondering… maybe if I talk about it, maybe if I write about it… maybe if I can distract myself, that it will go away…but it won’t.

Every ounce of my body and mind aches. It is so hard to describe and I want so badly for someone to understand or help me get rid of this feeling but I know that isn’t possible. Maybe if I could move out and remove myself from my parents house but I am truly stuck here and knowing that makes me sad, angry, frustrated… and hopeless.

I try to think of ways that I can make more money to move out but I chose the wrong career if I ever wanted to make enough money to live comfortably. I don’t want to be or feel all the negativity I am feeling right now but it is so overwhelming. Maybe writing about it will help flush some of it out.

I get really sad when I think about how hard I work… and how still, my parents refuse to see that, they only see my faults, or just assume the worst about me. I’ve talked and written about this so many times before but not being able to remove myself from the situation makes it SO hard to get past and move on. I don’t know what to do.

I’ve found myself thinking about suicide more than ever. I just feel so much pain while I am in this house I want it to stop. I finally love myself, I love my life, I am incredibly proud of everything I have gotten through but at the same time I feel invnisible to the people who I want to see me the most.

I don’t plan on taking my life, or escaping by means of drugs but my mind certainly likes to think about anything that would take away the pain. I know this will pass, I know that just like everything else that I will get through this, but in this moment it is really fucking hard.

The Ache

Lock and Key

I am becoming more and more at peace with phalloplasty surgery. It feels good to not have as much anxiety surrounding it. I have come to terms with the scar. It is like I already see my arm that way now. I try to look at it and see it as it will be after surgery.

The recovery is going to be rough but I am really looking forward to feeling more whole, and at peace and aligned with the gender that I identify with.

The hardest thing for me to come to terms with at the moment is the fact that I am still living with my parents. They were just gone for two weeks and it felt amazing to just live my life without being judged. My parents are incredibly critical people. Critical of me, and others. They still treat me like I am 10 years old most days. They don’t trust that I can handle things, take care of myself or etc. They always assume the worst of me and it hurts. I feel like if they really paid attention, they would see how far I have come.

My mom enters my room while I am not home. It is not uncommon for me to get a text at work from her telling me to clean it. So while they were gone, I installed a doorknob that has a lock and key. I may get even more heat for this.. but I think it will be worth it. There is no reason for her to go into my room so it shouldn’t affect her really. She might just be angry and feel like she is losing control.

I felt a deep sadness upon their return. It made me realize that it isn’t healthy or normal for people to live with their childhood abusers. This is exactly what I am doing. They may not have the power over me now that they did when I was a kid.. but it is incredibly triggering and there is still emotional abuse and control struggles.

Going through surgery in their home is going to be rough, but it is the only way I can afford it. I wouldn’t be able to handle both rent, and surgery. It super sucks, but I am hoping that after this surgery I can move on and move out. Sometimes I don’t even know if I can make it another 7 months. Sometimes I feel strong and like I can handle it, then other times I am triggered and want nothing more than to escape and run from this house and never come back.

Dear God, give me strength.

Lock and Key