83 Days

I am not sure if I am going to write a blog post a day leading up to surgery but that seems to be the case so far.

I am 83 days away from surgery… which is a little under twelve weeks away.

Twelve weeks is the length of an average contest prep for a bodybuilding compeition. Since I don’t get to prep for a competition this year, I am going to use these next 12 weeks to prep for surgery. I figured it will help keep me busy and perhaps even pass time faster.

I will be documenting these next 12 weeks on my YouTube channel, leading up to surgery. The overall goal is to be my healthiest self leading up to the day of surgery, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

I will be focusing on overall fitness and even more so on mental health. I am trying to be easy on myself when I feel anxious about surgery. This is a big surgery. I am definitely trying to be positive but realistic at the same time. If I come out of surgery with no compications… then holy hell that will be amazing, but if not then I will try to deal with the complications as they come.

Not being able to go to the gym and feeling like any work I put into the gym is going to go to waste is my biggest mental block right now. I just have to think of it as training for surgery and making the most of the time I have until June 13th. It is funny, the closer I get to June 13th the closer I get to not being able to workout… but from June 13th on… the closer I get to recovery. The anticipation is really the hardest part.

To prepare mentally I want to think of all the things that I want to focus on outside the gym. All the things that I haven’t had time for. This might be photography, writing, reading, and cooking ( other than cooking for meal prep ). I want to do all the things that keep my mind off of working out if that is possible.

It will be really discouraging losing muscle and feeling weak when I finally do get back into the gym… but I am one determined mother fucker. I will get back. Set backs are temporary.

83 Days

84 Days

Time seems to be going by faster and faster. I am 84 days out from bottom surgery. It feels like just yesterday I hit 200 days!

I am excited and also incredibly nervous. I think the hardest part to think about right now is that I will be going at this semi-alone. My mom has offered to come down to surgery with me but I am nervous because she hasn’t really looked too much into what this surgery entails… also, I don’t really want her to see me naked.

I am afriad that my mom seeing my arm or body in such a wrecked state will trigger her, and then in return trigger me. I kind of need someone to lie to me at the time and tell me it doesn’t look so bad. 😛 Having someone else gasp at my arm or my penis is not going to be helpful.

My Mom also hasn’t always been so supportive. I think she has come a long way, but I am nervous to test her supportiveness in such a huge event. I want to be grateful for her willingness to help but I fear being so completely vulnerable around her. I have a hard time being vulnerable around my parents for various reasons so this will be ALOT.

Normally I would opt for my best friend to come with me for surgery. She came with me to my top surgery but now she has a kid and another one on the way. She has her own life now and I am happy for her but I miss how our friendship used to be every damn day. It has changed so much. I guess you could say we were pretty co-dependent on each other… I still depended on her a lot up until I guess she didn’t need to depend on me anymore. She had her family move back from Texas, she had a kid… she has everything she needs..but I still need her and I get sad just thinking about it. I guess you could say we had a weird friendship. We were basically partners without the whole sex part. 😛

I am feeling bummed my best friend won’t be there. I have had another friend offer to be there but she hasn’t always been the best at following through with things. I guess time will tell what happens..but until then, I just have to focus on myself… keep going. I will get through this.

 

 

 

84 Days

Look What I’ve Done

Lately I have been struggling with being a perfectionist. I have always been a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. To the point that I let it paralyze me. Sometimes when I create… whether it is a food or a youtube video I have to fight myself even more the next timet to put something out there again in fear that it might not be good, or not better than the last time. I always want to improve.

There are times that I still fear to take risks or do things that I might fail at and have people see it… but then I think back to all that I have done despite of what others thought.

I got divorced, came out, and transitioned. Although it was not completely fearless… I still did it. I’ve been a bit more full of fear lately but then I have to stop and think to myself… Look what i’ve done.

I’ve made great strides in becoming my authentic self. I AM living. And although I struggle with things…I have been able to push through so much. I can’t forget how far I have come.

 

Look What I’ve Done

Weekly 5

It is the start of another week and I am filled with the usual dread of the work week. I definitely need a job change. At least hating my job is one consistent feeling in my life.

I think the biggest part about hating my job is feeling disappointed in myself. I had big hopes and dreams for my culinary career but I feel as though I am playing it safe. Stability is something I needed and that was my main reason for getting into this job…but if I want to actually create, I have to do that outside of work but lately I have found myself too exhausted. I guess that could be a reason I am feeling a little less myself.

Cooking for people has always been a way for me to communicate or show my love. I need this back in my life, I need to give more, and I need to create more.

I have also officially decided to set my personal training test AFTER surgery in order not to stress myself out more. I just want to be as healthy as possible going into surgery and give myself more time to study when I will be laid up. It will give me something to do 🙂

This weeks weekly 5

  1. sell/send out wristbands.
  2. Ebay
  3. Up my Cardio
  4. More sleep
  5. Stop letting perfection paralyze me.

 

Weekly 5

100 Days

I am officially under 100 days until surgery. 99 days to be exact.That is pretty crazy to think about.

My mind has been a bit full of anxiety. I am scared about having so much time off from the gym but I am trying to think of things I can focus on instead. Writing is one of them… photography, cooking, and YouTube. It is going to be really hard not to fall into a post-op depression. Some of it is probalby unavoidable but I am determined to fight it the best I can.

People keep asking me if I am nervous.

Of course.

I am incredibly nervous. This is a huge surgery. A surgery that rarely occurs without any complications. It is especially hard to go into knowing that. I am going into this surgery trying to think of ways to cope with complications rather than hoping they won’t happen. ( Okay a small part of me is still hoping it won’t happen. )

It is going to be a very strange feeling to go from being so busy to being laid up in bed. Maybe it will give me the time I need to actually stop and think freely, clearly, without all the jumbled stresses of work.

I am having trouble lately with studying for my personal training exam. I can’t seem to get motivated. I don’t think I will be setting the test date until after surgery. I just have too much going on to stress myself out about one more thing.

I’ve been pretty mad at food for a long time now. Thinking about how I followed my passion of cooking and how I feel I will forever be poor because of it.. BUT, I can’t help but still have such a love for it. I am not done with cooking, it just needs a way to be reborn. I have been brainstorming a bit. I guess I will figure that out at some point. As much as I hate the ego of a chef, I have been working with more experienced chefs lately and it has kind of sparked something in me. A glimmer of what I once felt… They are still passionate about cooking even after so many years and it has been nice to be around others who are still passionate about it.

Food. I am not done with you yet.

 

100 Days

Work

Every Tuesday morning I go through my usual routine… protein shake, coffee, youtube… but Tuesday mornings are particuarly more difficult because I am coming off my weekend and I can’t help but imagine a day where I won’t ever have to go back.

I am grateful for my job and the insurance benefits it provides but it is wearing on me that I spend 40 hours a week at a place I don’t want to be. That is a lot of hours of my life each week that I don’t enjoy.

I am aware that the grass always seems greener. That no matter what I was doing for work it might seem shitty… but I didn’t always feel this way towards my work. It has changed a lot since last year and it feels as though the heart of the company has gone cold. It is all about money lately. So many of the employees that have been there for years have left. Out of all my friends that worked there, I am the only one left.

It is hard working for a company you feel doesn’t care about anything but money. I pride myself in my work. I am a hard worker no matter what but mentally, it is beginning to wear on me.

Food has been one of my biggest passions in life. I began to wonder if my passion was dead but I am feeling more and more that it isn’t dead, I am just needing a change of scenery and more freedom to create. Creating was one of the best things about cooking for me.

I am 105 days away from surgery. 105 days away from a 12 week break from work. Part of me is scared that I will lose my job if I have complications that don’t allow me to go back to work after 12 weeks. ( We only get a total of 12 weeks medical leave until they won’t hold your job for you anymore ). But another part of me feels ready to deal with that and move on. The only thing that has me worried is that I will lose my health insurance. If I can think of a way around this… I will be okay with moving on, but I am not sure how I would handle this.

I am currently training to be a personal trainer but finding the time to study right now seems impossible. I wanted to be certified before surgery, but I might have to let go of that idea and use my down time to study for my test. Life doesn’t always work out how you wanted I suppose.

I am tired of spending so much of my time doing something that sucks the life out of me. This needs to change.

Work

Weekly 5

I am feeling quite overwhelmed today. I’ve got a lot of things to get done, and on top of that I can’t decide whether it is a good idea or not for me to schedule my personal trainers test before or after surgery. I am finding the time to study nearly impossible.. especially with fulfilling orders and etc for my surgery fund raiser.

I really want to get certified so I can do online training while I am out of work but I am afraid I would fail the test, and then have to fork out another $300 to re-test. I just don’t have that kind of money lying around.

I am 106 days away from surgery. Holy shit.

I’ve beent trying to create a balance of hustle and flow. I think I need a flow week.

Weekly 5

  1. Post another item to ebay. I successfully sold something last week!
  2. Keep putting the word out for wristbands
  3. Stay Positive — work kills my soul.
  4. More sleep
  5. Create a new refreshing living environment. Spring cleaning?
Weekly 5