My brain has been pretty noisy lately. I haven’t been able to write much or come to terms with many of my thoughts but I guess I should write before my head explodes. I have been dealing with complication after complication post- phalloplasty so I just have reached the height of my frustration and depression. Yea that is right, I said it. I am depressed.
I have been dealing with fistulas, which finally seem to be improving but now that I am able to try to pee I have learned that I can’t empty my bladder completely and may have a stricture. My stream has also changed from an actual stream to a spraying mess like a garden hose with a finger over the opening. I am trying my hardest to be able to cope, but it is hard to cope when your usual coping methods are not something you are able to do. I am starting to almost feel like I might be able to do some light workouts but I am feeling nervous about going to the gym with a messed up arm and a catheter… and lets be real my ego is getting in the way of me only being able to lift light. My wrist still has very little mobility so I am not sure how well I would be able to lift, but I think I might be able to use some of the machines.
Surgery aside, I am having some anxiety regarding work which is pretty normal when I am planning to return after surgery. I guess with each surgery I have a small hope I won’t have to return. I always end up having to return.
I am especially frustrated with myself this time because I feel so tired of my job, so burned out and so cynical when it comes to the food industry. It makes me sad when I think that my passion for cooking has died. Maybe there is a chance for it to come back but right now I am just so angry at it. I am tired of being poor, and tired of struggling and I know being trans hand having surgery each year plays a role in that as well but… I feel like if I am going to be poor I want to do something that I am passionate about and worth being poor for. Then of course there is always the hope that somehow, at some point in my life I will make enough money to function like a normal human being. I am so frustrated with where I am at in life some days my brain just shuts down.
I am a strong believer in people having a lot more control over their lives than they might think. If I want my life to be different, I need to take action and put in the work to change it… its just the work that feels so overwhelming to me right now. Surgery has really thrown me for a loop. I don’t know how to function when I don’t have my routine.
Maybe I can still have hope I don’t have a stricture. Maybe one day I will feel back to normal. I just have to keep going, but that is really fucking tough right now.