Never Ending

Surgery can be such a strange bittersweet thing when you are trans. You go into a hopsital feeling healthy but icomplete, then come out in pain yet feeling complete. Of course, the pain is temporary but with this surgery it sure doesn’t feel temporary. This has been the longest recovery I have experienced.

Considering what could go wrong, I guess I feel like I have had a pretty smooth ride so far, but I am having problems with fistulas opening up and leaking/bleeding. I have one stubborn fistula that doesn’t want to close despite Dr.Chen saying it would within a week or two. It has been a week or two.

It is not his fault. Obviously bodies are different and complicated in their own way. This isn’t as much of a routine surgery. There is so much going on and healing really does take time. I am usually a fast healer and kind of thought that maybe it would be the same for this surgery but I was wrong. There is nothing fast about healing when it comes to this surgery and perhaps it is my fault for thinking I would heal as quick as I usually do. I am sure my body is quite confused about what it just went though. So on that note, thank you body for enduring this surgery to fix something that should have been all along.

On top of a few fistulas, one which seems to constantly be bleeding, I noticed I was bleeding a bit from my vaginectomy site last night. It is not a huge bleed but just a little… Dr.Chen said if the bleeding is a constant drip to go to the ER, but if it is not I should hold pressure on it until it stops.

The amount of things that can go wrong even a month post-op is definitely not something I anticipated. I haven’t had any issues with my vaginectomy site as of yet so was feeling pretty grateful that everything was going okay there… BUT well, now I will be keeping tabs on that as well.

I have my next post-op appointment on Thursday so hopefully nothing too serious happens between then and now. I don’t know how much more I can take going wrong in one week. I just want my dick to heal so I can get back to normal life and not lose my job.

This is all happening for a reason, whether I know the reason now or not… but one day I will look back and know why, of course I know it will make me stronger in the end.



Never Ending

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