I have not written on here in awhile. Mostly because I have been blogging more publicly on tumblr, and also because I haven’t really been able to type since surgery up until the past couple of days. It feels good to be able to type again and get some thoughts out! I think it is important I keep writing out my thoughts or else things tend to just get bottled up.
So, I had phalloplasty a little over 3 weeks ago now. I’ve had some tough moments where I felt I would never heal or feel normal again but I feel like I might finally be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. My arm is improving, and so is my pain. I still have my catheter in and haven’t peed out my penis yet but I am supposed to attempt peeing on monday in hopes of getting the catheter out on Thursday. It all depends on if I have any leakage or not.. we will see I suppose!
It has been the hardest not to be able to go to the gym like I am used to. Or drive yet or etc. Things will ge easier as I get more independent. I am slowly healing.
I have been thinking a lot about what I might do now that I have this first major surgery out of the way. I am honestly undecided on whether I will have stage 2 surgery. I still have to have my glansplasty done but I am pretty burned out on surgeries. I guess I will have to recover from this first surgery first to truly decide on that… but I do feel that I can maybe finally start saving for other things other than just another surgery. I can start paying off my bills and saving to move out. That would be nice… to finally be able to afford to live on my own.
I would also like a career change… I deam of working for myself, but I don’t exatly know what that looks like or what I would do. I could do personal training or cooking… but I just don’t know how realistic or sustainable these things could be or maybe I am just scared. It is hard to visualize what my next move is. All I know is that I will need a change at some point. I have a lot of time to think at the moment, but I am also finding it hard to focus.
Part of me is excited to think I could use this time to gain knowledge and study for my personal trainers certificarted, then part of me doesn’t want to think about fitness because I can’t workout right now and it makes me sad. recovery is such a weird fucking process.
However I do feel motivated to make a fitness comback. I’ve lost 10 lbs of muscle already. One month down of absolutely no working out. I’ve never gone this long without working out! When I had top surgery I still did legs, when I had my hysto, I was lifting light again 2 weeks post-op. The more manageable my pain gets the more antsy I get.