Time seems to be going by faster and faster. I am 84 days out from bottom surgery. It feels like just yesterday I hit 200 days!
I am excited and also incredibly nervous. I think the hardest part to think about right now is that I will be going at this semi-alone. My mom has offered to come down to surgery with me but I am nervous because she hasn’t really looked too much into what this surgery entails… also, I don’t really want her to see me naked.
I am afriad that my mom seeing my arm or body in such a wrecked state will trigger her, and then in return trigger me. I kind of need someone to lie to me at the time and tell me it doesn’t look so bad. 😛 Having someone else gasp at my arm or my penis is not going to be helpful.
My Mom also hasn’t always been so supportive. I think she has come a long way, but I am nervous to test her supportiveness in such a huge event. I want to be grateful for her willingness to help but I fear being so completely vulnerable around her. I have a hard time being vulnerable around my parents for various reasons so this will be ALOT.
Normally I would opt for my best friend to come with me for surgery. She came with me to my top surgery but now she has a kid and another one on the way. She has her own life now and I am happy for her but I miss how our friendship used to be every damn day. It has changed so much. I guess you could say we were pretty co-dependent on each other… I still depended on her a lot up until I guess she didn’t need to depend on me anymore. She had her family move back from Texas, she had a kid… she has everything she needs..but I still need her and I get sad just thinking about it. I guess you could say we had a weird friendship. We were basically partners without the whole sex part. 😛
I am feeling bummed my best friend won’t be there. I have had another friend offer to be there but she hasn’t always been the best at following through with things. I guess time will tell what happens..but until then, I just have to focus on myself… keep going. I will get through this.