On Dec. 11th I will be two years on testosterone. I have been thinking about this all week and it kind of blows my mind.
I remember back when I didn’t know if I would ever start T. I was juggling with it so hard and just wished that someone would run by and stab me with a needle haha. I had a lot of fear around starting but finally when I did… they all went away and the more changes I started to see, the more I saw myself in the mirror and the more at peace I became.
The first year on T was filled with physical changes. The man I felt on the inside was finally being revealed on the outside. It was an amazing feeling. I no longer felt invisible.
The second year on T brought less physical changes but I feel as though it was a year of growing into the new body I was living in. It was a year of finding myself and healing from my past. I felt as though I had missed out on so many years of my life and didn’t have anymore time to waste. In the second year, I grew stronger. Not only physically but emotionally.
Sometimes I feel like there is this big black hole in my life. Like I fell into a coma when I was 10 and am just now waking up and am left to pick up where I left off and learn to navigate this life as a man. Like I had to hit the ground running. I missed out on some of my boyhood and I am still grieiving that and making up for lost time.
Being trans sometimes has its frustrations and I would be a liar if I said there were not moments where I didn’t wish I was just born as a cis male. Dealing with surgeries and recovery tends to put me at my weakest points. However, I do have a lot more life experiences than the average cis person. I have seen two worlds without having to travel one mile. I’ve walked this earth as both male and female. Being able to see this world from both genders really gives you a different persepctive than the average person.
Year One: My physical self was revealed.
Year Two: Emotional growth and still on the search to find out who the man I have become truly is.