Today is Thanksgiving. For the first time in a very long time I didn’t cook thanksgiving dinner.. in fact, I spent today completely alone and I enjoyed it. Sometimes I feel like holidays put way too much pressure to hang out with people even if you don’t want to, or even if you don’t particularly like the people you are obligated to hang out with. If people love you, they will hang out with you any day.. it doesn’t have to be a special occasion.
Besides this one, I think that my favorite Thanksgiving was actually spent with my ex girlfriend two years ago. She made me feel very loved and appreciated that day. We also had some really good food and company. I was just starting my transition so I didn’t particularly feel comfortable around my family. She made me feel calm and at home.
I actually have been missing her lately. Things were not always so great between us, but I do feel like she is the last one that may have understood me to a certain extent. She was very smart, and she was beautiful.
We were engaged at one point, but I ended it one night by walking out. We had a lot of good moments. I think we understood each other in a lot of ways that other people did not but there were also times where I felt I was walking on egg shells and was alwayas upsetting her. I began to fear expressing any feelings or thoughts or concerns because I didn’t want to upset her.. and she would get pretty harsh and mean when she was upset.
Sometimes I wonder if things could have been different, or maybe I am just forgetting the bad times. Sometimes I wonder if I cared too much about a certain friends opinion that isn’t even my friend anymore.
I haven’t spoken to her since we broke up, but not a day goes by that I don’t think about her or try to check up on her. Sometimes I feel like reaching out to her, but I feel like I would just make her angry.
She probably thinks I don’t care about her but that is far from the truth. I just wish I could let her know that somehow.