I am becoming more and more at peace with phalloplasty surgery. It feels good to not have as much anxiety surrounding it. I have come to terms with the scar. It is like I already see my arm that way now. I try to look at it and see it as it will be after surgery.
The recovery is going to be rough but I am really looking forward to feeling more whole, and at peace and aligned with the gender that I identify with.
The hardest thing for me to come to terms with at the moment is the fact that I am still living with my parents. They were just gone for two weeks and it felt amazing to just live my life without being judged. My parents are incredibly critical people. Critical of me, and others. They still treat me like I am 10 years old most days. They don’t trust that I can handle things, take care of myself or etc. They always assume the worst of me and it hurts. I feel like if they really paid attention, they would see how far I have come.
My mom enters my room while I am not home. It is not uncommon for me to get a text at work from her telling me to clean it. So while they were gone, I installed a doorknob that has a lock and key. I may get even more heat for this.. but I think it will be worth it. There is no reason for her to go into my room so it shouldn’t affect her really. She might just be angry and feel like she is losing control.
I felt a deep sadness upon their return. It made me realize that it isn’t healthy or normal for people to live with their childhood abusers. This is exactly what I am doing. They may not have the power over me now that they did when I was a kid.. but it is incredibly triggering and there is still emotional abuse and control struggles.
Going through surgery in their home is going to be rough, but it is the only way I can afford it. I wouldn’t be able to handle both rent, and surgery. It super sucks, but I am hoping that after this surgery I can move on and move out. Sometimes I don’t even know if I can make it another 7 months. Sometimes I feel strong and like I can handle it, then other times I am triggered and want nothing more than to escape and run from this house and never come back.
Dear God, give me strength.