Its been a little over a week since my bodbuilding competition. I can’t even really describe what an amazing experience it all was. It was really HARD. Lots of work, anxiety inducing, but at the same time extremely exciting and healing.
I am happy to say that I got second place. I’d be a liar if I said I was completely happy with it… I would have loved to have gotten first place but I lost to a guy that is the only transman to ever win gold at the gay games and who competes regularly in bodybuilding shows. So I guess if I had to take second to someone… I am glad it was him. 🙂
The biggest thing going through my mind is that I can’t believe I did it. I put in a ton of hard work and I stepped on that stage nearly naked.. even though I was scared shitless. I guess it was a learning experience for me.. just to know that I am capable of more than I thought.. even if it is something that terrifies me.
They say you grow the most when you are outside your comfort zone. Boy isn’t that the truth. I am going to try and put myself outside my comfort zone more often and see what happens. Speaking of which, tomorrow I am speaking with a queer college group. I don’t really know what I am going to say.. but they want me to talk about my transition and experience of the bodybuilding competition. I am not super excited about it as it is on a work night but I am trying to be brave and try new things. If I can step on a stage half naked.. I can do this too!
Something that has really been on my mind lately is I am wanting to work towards my next bodybuilding competition but I have surgery for phalloplasty in June. I feel like any hard work that I put into working out now will all be lost during recovery. It is frustrating and sad and discouraging. I am also bummed that this year they are starting a transgender bodybuilding league and the next competition will be in August in Seattle. I want to go… but I won’t be recovered enough. It super bums me out. Someone asked me if I could delay surgery.. but, that would mean having to stay in my job for that much longer in order to keep my insurance. I might go crazy.
If I have surgery in June.. at least it will give me a whole year to prepare for the next FTM competition. It is going to be a tough recovery, a tough surgery, and I get sad thinking about the recovery process. The only way I can get through it is if I think long term and how I won’t have to pack anymore in a competition, or I can use a urinal and make my everyday life much easier and less dysphoric. It is going to be another hurdle to get over, but I have done it before.. I can do it again. I know I can do it. With some patience and a lot of hard work. Praying I don’t have any major complications.