Wednesday I am leaving for the FTM fitness conference in Atlanta Georgia. Originally I was going to go with my significant other… but we broke up. I was the one that called it off. Without going into too much detail, we just didn’t mesh well. We both had anxiety which I feel like prevented us from personal growth. I know there are times where normally I would push myself through anxious situations but with them I would just avoid it. I am also in a time in my life where I feel like I have so many things I need to do that I have missed out on, and goals that I need to reach that I have no time to compromise or want or need to answer to anyone.
I have reached a time in my life where I want to do what I want… when I want and not have to discuss it with anyone. Basically, I am at a selfish point in my life but I think that after spending so much time answering to so many people.. being married, or pretending to be someone I am not, that I am okay being selfish and taking this time for myself. Life is short and I just want to keep continue living and feeling free.
This week will be a true test of anxiety for me. I am traveling alone, and staying by myself in a hotel at a conference with a lot of people. There are going to be people that I know there.. which is both comforting and axiety provoking. I fear that I will come across different in person because I am shy at first. This usually happens but it has been awhile since I have tested my social anxiety.
Besides the anxiety of traveling alone, I am also competing in the bodybuilding competition. I will be stepping on stage in VERY little clothing. I have been working my ass of training and getting ready for the last 12 weeks. Although I am not completley happy with my physique, I have accepted what it is and am feeling that competing and stepping on stage is a huge accomplishment when it comes to social anxiety.
I am trying to focus less on the part of the competiton that is about physique and focus more on it being a step in overcoming social anxiety and having the chance to celebrate all that I have been training so hard for. Competition day is the day you celebrate! It is the day that I have been working my ass off for and it is only 5 days away.
Besides the competition I have also begun working towards my personal training certificate. I am hoping to start online training. I was a little hesitant thinking of getting my certificate since I have gone to school for it in the past, but I was also hesitant because I am having phalloplasty in 8 months and was worried I wouldn’t be able to coach while I was laid up… however, maybe it will be good timing and will help me make my transition from cook to coach.