I am not very good at relationships. Especially right now. Ever since starting T I have been on a pretty focused journey of self discovery which doesn’t make me the greatest partner. Since transition I am less willing to compromise, give up my time, and am continually fighting a battle of feeling bogged down or trapped.
I guess the reality is that you are never trapped but considering my past… this feeling becomes all too real, too fast.
I spent the first 3 years of my twenties married to a guy because it is what I thought was expected of me. It is what I thought I had to do. Growing up in a conservative Christian household can really be a mind fuck. Basically I am finally living my life after so many years of living it for others and it is so scary to think of giving up that freedom. I don’t like asking permission for things and sometimes that is what a relationship entails.. especially the deeper you get into it. Maybe I am over-thinking it, or maybe I shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.
I have moments where I feel really anxious and trapped when I am in a relationship and the only thing that I feel will relieve it is to flee. All my mind wants to do is break up with that person so that I will no longer have to feel the anxiety… but then after doing so I find that is not what I wanted and end up getting back together. This also leads me to look a little crazy when it comes to dating someone.
I guess it is only human to want to protect yourself, and my flight response is STRONG… but I can’t keep doing that. At some point I am either going to have to figure out how to work through the trapped feelings, or flee for good.
There is another thing about being in a relationship that causes a flight response in me and that is emotions. I didn’t see much of them growing up, so seeing them now scares the shit out of me. I don’t know why or what it is that is so scary about emotions but both seeing them and expressing them provokes so much anxiety in me.
I am in flight mode right now but I am trying to figure out how to stop myself or to calm down. Anxiety is such a bitch.